Stormy Weather

My heart is full of aching right now. I haven't felt this mentally and physically unstable probably since my father got sick. Even when there was a point when Mr. Man and me didn't know where we were going and what to do with our feelings for each other I didn't have this achey feeling. Truthfully, I was positioning myself to not get got. I don't really remember how I managed to get through the achey pain though. I don't believe it's even still tied to me missing my father. I think the other night my mom really managed to break my heart. I don't know what to do with her. I don't know what to say to her. For all the criticism she gives me, she doesn't provide any solutions.

The other thing is, my friend has been on this campaign to get me to move in with her. I would be lying if I didn't feel some sense of pressure from that direction, I don't want to let her down. But moving out of a place with my mom to move in with someone else doesn't seem to be the ticket either, regardless of how good a friend she is, and how much I adore her. I mean, my friend may not appreciate the fact that I actually like to walk around practically naked. The only reason I stay dressed where I am is because I'm with family. But I stay in shorts, tank tops and flip flops. And of course at Mr. Man's even less. She says there are no rules but, come on - moving in with someone else means then I'd have to be subjected to her s.o. just like she'd have to be subjected to mine and a chick like me is at the point where I don't want to be subject to nobody's shit but my own. I'm slowly getting on some real selfish shit. I want my own space. I want my own kitchen. I want my own washer and dryer. I want to walk around my house butt ass naked when I get good and gosh darn ready.

Obviously, if I were to move in with anyone it would be Mr. Man. But I have to put that in perspective, too. Is that because I want to see him when I get ready, or because I'm genuinely interested in going to that next level with him? Because it is a next level, short of marriage. It's really the only way for us to go. Either we get married or we move in or we move in or we get married, but that's all that's left.

But lately, I've been feeling like maybe I've been foolish about that. If we move in umarried - I'm playing the part of "wife" sans the title. And that's not how I imagined things for me. I understand what's right for some people isn't right for all people. I'm not a big person on marriage, I don't think. It's not like I see people living together unmarried and judge. I don't think a person necessarily has to be married to make a serious commitment. Part of the reason of what made my dad's situation so bogus is because my mom (not being legally married to him, and Illinois not recognizing common law marriage, only 13 states do) really wasn't entitled to anything (even if he had insurance and that sort of thing worked out.) My parents were together 25, 26 years. Mr. Man and I have taken vows together. What is being married if you don't take vows before the Lord? (At least, this is our reasoning - strengthen ourselves and our union before inviting others in.) But I don't know how much of my thinking regarding my moving in with Mr. Man is my thinking or my mom's thinking.

I just keep trying to think of my life without him. I'm not going to say I can't do this thing without him. I probably could. But I have no desire to. I want to be with him. I want to get married. I want us to have children. I want to be happy. I don't want everyone in my family to hate me when I do leave. I just want a little space and freedom to do me. If I mess up, then fine.

808's and Heartbreak on repeat. Kanye's emotion-tinged semin-drunken auto-tune rant seems to just meld with my emotions right now.