I've Been Changed

Today I write as a semi-free woman.

Free from the pressures of grad school for a quarter, long enough for me to make some real personal headway in this life of mine. Only the Lord knows if a new job will appear in the near future to take away some of the trouble with me pursuing this grad degree. I'm not going to fret either way (well, not too much ;])

My anniversary weekend was perfectly amazing. It was the mini-vacation I absolutely needed. The TV came on once all weekend. We got all caught up on our homework. But most importantly, it was a weekend away in pure peace and relaxation. I can't wait until we find another reason to go away.

While away, we saw Brooklyn's Finest. If there was ever a movie to see on bootleg, that is it. That has got to be the year's worst movie, and it's only March!Even the bad movie couldn't change the good time we had together though. We had a homemade picnic in our room, quiet conversation, and candles. What more could two people ask for?

The only thing I'm concerned with our my next two trips to Oklahoma and Miami. I wanted to get the trips in sooner, but it appears my vacation days are sort of short, and with everything coming up at work (my responsibilities) I don't feel comfortable taking time off. So we shall see!

Peace.

It's Our Anniversary

I thought I would include this video from Tony, Toni, Tone...but, we all know who THEY are. So in recognition of my sweet second year with Mr. Man, I am posting this unknown lip-synching a grade 'A' jam from one of the best R & B groups of the 90s.

PS. Weekend was GREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATTTTT at the Lodge! ;) Recap later this week sometime...

Peace!

I'm Only Human

Today is the beginning of my most glorious vacation with Mr. Man. We're going back to the Lodge. It's going to be nice just basking in each other's company four 4 days uninterrupted. He has some loose ends to tie up with school, as do I, so some studying will occur. Mostly just some chilling though, which is well needed. My mom says we're like an old married couple. She needs to just understand that quality time together is the BEST. My, how 2 years, and some months have passed though..seems like only yesterday he sent me a message on FB to be his friend, lol.

Happy Anniversary to us, lol!

Speaking of FB, I get a message from Mr.Man. Now back in the day, this was the only way we communicated. But now, FB seems pretty outdated, so if I generally receive a message from him its FB related. He was warning me that I.G. aka Iggy bka his daughter's mother has recently joined the ranks of FB. Now, my cyber stalking self, had actually been monitoring that, and apparently I'm slipping on my pimping (well, not so much, I check like every 6 months or so). Not that they were friends on FB or anything, but in the two years he and I have been together, I have not met this young lady, save for the uber-awkward phone conversation I posted up last year (click the link to catch up). At any rate, I would check FB to see if she had a profile, just for curiosity's sake. I know she had been checking for me because she hacked Mr. Man's Yahoo email account, and all of our emails were there. It made me sick to my stomach that someone would stoop to such a level and by in my B.I. like that, but I got over it.

I have not met Mr. Man's daughter. The biggest reason is because, he doesn't spend enough time with her, because of the strained relationship with the mother. It seems to me that soon the court will have to inevitably intervene because left to their own devices, it doesn't look too good for the little one. But the incredible thing about her is even though I have not met her, I LOVE HER. I ask about her, we talk about her, I see pictures of her and I just love her. I dream about this little person I've never met. I just get this indescribable feeling in my heart hearing about her. The love is so pure and not tainted and I just feel that away about her because she's a child, but not just any child, Mr. Man's child.

This sidebar is significant because upon notification of Mr. Man's message, I look up IG on facebook. And there she was. And it scared me. And made me feel something else in my heart. Mostly shame. And guilt. She's cute (but not cuter than me) and familiar looking (she could easily be one of the students I service at work). But most importantly, I could see her features in their daughter. And it made me double back. I asked myself how could I so strongly dislike someone who looks like someone I love so much just based on principle?? So this sent me on an internal trip I was not prepared for in any way, shape, or form. It was overwhelming. I closed the page, and thought. I don't like I.G. I don't like how she feels its necessary to use her daughter as a bargaining chip - I don't agree with her politics. And I know that we go to the same church (different branches, but same umbrella) and I know she knows better than to behave in the manner she chooses to, but she does. So I can't pardon her as merely being ignorant. I recognize her actions as desperation to make others feel as bad as she feels. I noticed she was scowling in the picture. I didn't know if she was trying to be sexy or not. But, on a universal we are all sisters/females level - I can see that she is so lost. And for that, although on the day to day basis, I find it hard to understand and accept her actions, I pray that she finds what she's looking for. I don't like her. And I don't have to. But my God says that I can pray for her earnestly and I do. I recognize that regardless of what either me or Mr. Man thinks, she IS the day to day caretaker of his Princess,and the child is not starving or suffering from broken bones and burns. And I appreciate that, because no child deserves to suffer.

So what I.G. and I have (in my mind) is a truce of sorts. I don't have to respect her, but I acknowledge and accept her presence. In my eyes, respect is earned. My beef with her is not related to Mr. Man - it's related to womanhood, and what real women should be capable of. And the day we meet, well, that's later than sooner. :) And for that I'm happy, because I'm still learning dammit. I am far from perfect but my humility aids me in coping.

Peace.

They Don't Know...Who We Be

"You will always be a part of me, I'm part of you indefinitely, boy don't you know you can't escape me, no way you're ever gonna shake me, you'll always be my baby" are the words I heard when I first woke up this morning courtesy of Mr. Man's ringtone. I reached underneath the pillow to answer and was pleasantly surprised at what I heard on the other line. Mr. Man called me, as he usually does in the morning so I know he arrived at work safely. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was thinking.

"Well, I called to basically say..that I just got done thanking God for you."

I sat upright and listened more intently as I fumbled for words to match such a heavy sentiment. We've been talking alot about life, and love, and our dreams lately - and how even if its all a huge failure to the rest of the world, we will have made our mark through our works, and our children.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself by not explaining where I've been the past month, and catching you all up.

I have been living this life like its golden. Snow be damned. Cold be damned. Never again will I cower inside on account of weather unless I opt to be snuggling with my honey. Life is too short for that. The true realization that my life is truly beautiful began with a few doctor's appointments I had at the beginning of the year...

In January, I brought in the new year with a UTI. Not super unfamiliar territory for me. Until the medicine that was supposed to make me better, made me worse. In hindsight, I thank God that the medicine made me sicker, because if I didn't get sick I wouldn't have gotten an awesome new doctor. My old doctor wasn't bad, but she allowed me to come in, tell her what was wrong, and keep it moving. And as an internist, what else could she really do?? After all, its HMO. (Not complaining, just explaining.) After mustering up the courage to talk about all of my symptoms and the things that were not right with me (missed periods, recurring infections, weight gain, and unusual hair growth) I was referred out to a OB/GYN on the north side of Chicago. I was scared, but hopeful.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways. The woman I was referred out to see to start working with me is the very same doctor who visited my Anatomy and Physiology class a little less than 10 years ago in high school. Also, this might sound crazy, but I have never had a Black (let alone Bi-Racial) doctor. I just felt she would be the person who would be able to finally let me know I'm not crazy paranoid about my body, but do the investigative work to figure out why an otherwise healthy 25 year old keeps getting sick?

Blood test after blood test, and culture after culture, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It isn't an inherently fatal disease. It can be if left untreated. PCOS is related to how my body works, as far as weight management (in some ways, it looks like diabetes, without pills or shots, which makes monitoring what I eat nerve-wrecking) but it also has huge implications on my ability to bear children, and can lead to further issues such as cancer, insulin-resistant diabetes, and as I said earlier, death.

It has been a major life change for me. The first thing I did was hop on a plane to Atlanta to see one of my besties. I kind of felt like "Fuck it, I got the cash to do it, I got a vacation day to do it, so I'm gonna do it." I got tired of saying "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it." School gets in the way of life, work gets in the way of life, and I just know that if I leave this earth tomorrow, there are things I want to do that I have not yet done. I started a Bucket List for things like that. The Bucket List (a work in progress) will most likely follow this entry. The Bucket List is merely a list of things I want to do (trivial or not) before I die. I know that sounds really morbid, but I'm tired of waiting for the perfect this or that to live life. And in a way that is what I've done. Now this doesn't mean I plan to live life unreasonably, or that I won't plan for the future, but in the meantime and in between time when I desire to do something, I will.

My family has been really helpful. It's sad to say but, tragedy does bring people together in strange ways. And it's nice to know that they care. Annoying, because I don't like having family conversations about my ovaries, lol. But still nice, since they still do care.

I don't have a lot of good friends, but the few I do have, I realize I like to keep close. I have been good with spending time with them, but I intend on getting better. These are, after all the best years of our lives. And I just wanna live it up.

Last but not least, Mr. Man. The strain that I expected from this kind of news and a long, long cycle of non-sex and doctors visits is non-existent. If anything, I believe I have managed to put more pressure on myself than he could ever do. He is strong when I am not strong, and he helps me a lot. The biggest thing I have been tasked with doing with this disorder is losing weight, which is not easy. I love to eat. I have purhcased a Wii Fit and work out 30 minutes a day. I do Flirty Girl Fitness on days I don't work out. I eat about twice as many salads and have eased up on carbs. The fear of not being able to conceive children was enough for me to eliminate all bad habits almost instantly. I am not gonna claim to have it all worked out, but my efforts have resulted in SOME weight loss already.

The long and the short of the good and the bad is the evidence that I am still here to experience it all,and to echo Mr. Man's sentiment, I thank God for that. I thank Him for seeing me through, for giving me a great foundation, and making sure I have an amazing supporting cast. And I'm gonna keep on doing what I do until it ain't nothing left to do.

Peace.

Tell 'Em That It's Human Nature

I haven't had the opportunity to blog in some time, so this might be a long one. It may be short.

I'm all over the place lately.

However, I can say that I had a most excellent time last Sunday when I went to see the school production of "A Raisin in the Sun". Apparently this year is the 50th anniversary of Lorraine Hansberry's moving play about a Black family, and their dreams. I felt good because it was an opportunity to meet with my closest and favorite people. Not so ironically enough, my boss went to see the play and I was thrilled. Co-workers do not understand our relationship, nor do I really expect them to. :/ I feel confident in saying that my boss is just one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and we hang out outside the workplace every now and again. He always has worthwhile advice to share. To me, he's a fatherly figure but still someone you can reason with. My other co-worker came, also, with her family, so it was a bunch of us grouped together, but fun just the same.

Speaking of work, I'm so sometimey with it. I had said I would stay where I was for the time being, but, I saw an opportunity to transfer. Same hours (which sucks SO bad, I hate those hours) but way more money. Of course I applied. It is for the position of academic advisor, something I do already anyhow. I am really hoping to get called for an interview on that position. We'll see.

How Sick Am I, I Wish You Health...

Well, I have approximately 3 pills left to take. I am hoping that this will end my long running infection for good. To make a long story short, the first medicine I was prescribed made me feel totally horrible. So I had to switch antibiotics, which by the time I had, my infection morphed into something else (yup, morphed) so this is where I am now: third course of antibiotics, feeling better but somewhere expecting something else to emerge.

I must think positively, I know.

One of the things that transpired at my last doctor's appointment was a real brief discussion about my weight. I had never expressed concerns about it because I've been somewhat comfortable with my outer appearance. That comfort has not shifted, but it is amazing what you begin to consider when you really begin to visualize yourself as a life carrier. So, lately, I have been considering how if I'm heavy now, BEFORE I've had children, how much bigger might I be AFTER a few kids? Not a comforting thought especially since it's not healthy weight. Weight comes with diabetes, high blood pressure, crappy cholesterol (need I go on?)And given my family history, I don't need any added incentives to NOT do the right thing when it comes to weight. Anyway, I have a new doctor, and we did discuss my weight. She ran some blood tests to see why I am so heavy. Maybe it's genetic, maybe I have a disorder. I don't know. I will find out at my next appointment, but for the first time, I'm going to have a plan with this so I feel good. If more things in life were like school, I'd do so much better, I swear. Tell me what the problem is so I can study it. Simple as that.

Even then, I'm taking measures into my own hands. I didn't want to be in the gym with all of the New Year's folks, so pretty soon (like tomorrow soon) I'm joining X-port Fitness (maybe)- lol. Depends if I like it. I do want to take a tour...so we shall see!

Peace.

Here We Go...

I'm on my way to the library to...study.

What did you think I was going to say.

I think at the age of 25, I am officially sick of school. I am sick of midterms, and sick of finals. I am sick of sitting in 3 hour classes.

It's cold out here, and I don't feel like going one bit, but alas, I will do what I must because I am interested in the payoff. Afterall, it won't be soon before long I have my very own classroom.

And...12 more days until my trip to Atlanta.

Vote For Me And I'll Set You Free!

I am eligible to receive a late arrival of up to two hours to go vote on Tuesday, February 2.

Sweet! Get to go into work at 1PM. I should be sitting around somewhere trying to figure out what I will do with the extra hours in the morning!

Of course, I have taken this opportunity to ponder the thought process behind my voting.

The Vote or Die campaign started a few years back was an ingenious (really it was, I dig the method, even if I don't dig the man) method to inspire the "hip-hop generation" to get involved with the political process. America was preparing to enter lands to spread democracy and quell terrorism. On the homefront, however, things were not quite as noble. Students were poorly educated because schools were poorly funded, dot com businesses were fizzling out, and social security was maxed out by baby boomers. The future for my generation looked pretty bleaked. We were told, however, that we had power when we voted.

Let's revisit that theory. The first election I was old enough to vote in gave Bush a victory he did not rightly deserve due to some 'fuzzy math' in Electoral College 101, in which the wishes of the POPULAR VOTE were not carried out. Another election, Bush won again (seemingly legally) but, again, even if the President is the head of a party which you don't consider yourself a member of, this is a democratic repulic where the people's desires should be met on SOME level. Not so. Last year, like millions of people Barack Obama was voted into office, for the chance at 'change'. Well, a deepening recession and national waves of unemployment, sort of has me feeling some kind of way about Mr. Obama, but more importantly, questioning the millions of people who (after 8 years of Bush) voted for Barack with faith.

Looking back now, I do regret my decision. And here is why. As a nation, we have been sequestered into a pattern that has us voting for people that are necessarily qualified to run the nation, but voting for who we consider to be the lesser of two evils. And this is a habit that I don't think I can consciously support anymore.

Does this mean I cease voting, a right that so many people died for me to have? I have been trying to come to a conclusive decision but I just don't have one! If I vote on Tuesday (granted, these are local elections) I would just be voting down the party line (which I don't have a party) or even worse, voting for whoever is endorsed by the Sun-Times or the Tribune. Right now, I just don't know what to do...

Peace.

It Hurts When You Say I Ain't The One

So here I am looking at natural remedies for my infection. The reason for that is because I fall somewhere between being overly sensitive with medicine or they don't bother me at all. I wasn't as lucky with this particular medication that I was prescribed. Apparently, levaquin can make you feel hella weird, and I have been feeling BEYOND hella weird. My muscles ache, I feel nauseous, and jittery. I stopped taking the medicine. Luckily my doctor's appointment is on Monday. I am hoping that taking the cranberry juice and continuing to drink lots of water will get me through the week.

Monday is my mother's birthday. I bought her a 10.1 pink HP netbook. It is sooo pretty. :) I am pretty sure she is going to love it. I am a little frustrated with my sister in regards to my mom's birthday. I messaged her on FB asking her what days she would like to do something. I said we can shoot for the weekend prior to her birthday, or the weekend after. Do you know that heffa hasn't responded? I sent that message on Monday of this week. It's Thursday. And this heffa works in IT so don't y'all try to jump on me saying that "Maybe she doesn't check her FB like that." No, SHE DOES, she's just wack as hell sometimes. I don't care that she didn't make herself available for my birthday. I'm almost to the point where I don't feel the need to invite her to events period because she is so flaky. However, we have the same mother, and I DO continuously invite her out of obligation. What is the big deal for my mom having all her kids around her on her birthday, whether it is a dinner at home or a dinner out for once in her life? We have never done that, and we are all only getting older. So basically, I just asked my sister on FB if she got my last message.

EDIT: She just responded. Didn't really answer my question. I'm done. I'm just going to coordinate my mom's birthday with who it's been all the while. Me and my brothers.

I Love Me Some Him

Even though I was in the bathroom like oh...every 30 to 45 minutes (due to my lovely UTI) this past weekend, it really wasn't that bad. Once I got in the shower and washed my hair, used my Carol Daughter products and braided that fro down, I felt pretty darn pampered. :)

Speaking of my hair, it is pretty effing awesome! I love my Natural hair, and on this uber rare occasion I enclose a picture of my 'frotastic locks! It is so healthy and I couldn't be more pleased. What's more is generally, I can just jump out the shower, put in some leave-in and go. People (co-workers) love to just touch it, lol, which cracks me up. I don't know why people think Black folk's hair is hard, but it really isn't. It's just textured, lmao.

Last night, after a long drawn out, sickly weekend, Mr. Man came on by the house after taking his daughter to the movies. He proceeded to get under my covers (mind you I'm the sick one) and commence snoring. Normally, this action pisses me off to no end. But, Mr. Man really did take wonderful care of me this weekend, and only left my side when it was necessary. Eventually I did nap with him, but while I was up on one of my thousand trips to the bathroom, I just had to take a picture of him so peaceful looking and sleep. Lord knows I love me some him.

Tomorrow is class. I was supposed to have read 5 Chapters. Seeing as how I was sick this weekend and didn't get the book until Saturday afternoon, how about I didn't even read one Chapter? Yuck. Not a good way to start off the quarter. Oh well. I'ma get it in when I can, I suppose.

Peace.

Tired of the Strain and Pain

She called my name.

It was about 4:15 on Friday afternoon.

Just 45 minutes.
Gotta pick up me and Mr. Man something for the Sabbath.
Call mom and ask her if she wants dinner too.
Gonna dip in and out the mall so quick - and then in my bed for 2 days.
But dammit, it hurts.

She called my name, and subconsciously, I felt the pain in my side. Sharp. I drew in my breath and semi-hollered "What?!" more so out of my pain, and less out of my sick of being called on again.

"Dezzy?!"
"Anita?! I am so so so so so sorry. That wasn't meant for you - I'm just so tired. And in pain."

I gave her the cards she needed before clutching my phone and walking to the bathroom to pee AGAIN.

Even peeing was killing me. It was my own fault. I have a bad habit of drinking tons of water and then waiting FOREVER to urinate. Not good.

I limped to the side door where folks normally pollute their lungs (as if working where we worked wasn't damage enough to the body?) and called Mr. Man. He was at school completing his registration. I smiled as I reflected on how proud of him I am sometimes.

"You sound sleep."
"I don't feel good babe."
"You can't hang for 30 more minutes?"
"I don't know, maybe I am just tired from standing up for 2 and a half hours."

Limped back to the office. Each step becoming harder and harder to take. At this point I don't care if I look fat, pregnant, or crazy. I'm sure I looked like I was all 3. I turned off my computer, got my stuff, politely told my boss I was leaving (10 minutes early) because if I didn't go to the doctor, I may not be able to report to work on Monday. He allowed it (of course).

I walked outside the doors and tried to inhale the fresh, winter air, only to find that breathing was becoming more and more difficult. This pain in my side was not letting up for nothing in the world. Limped to the bus stop as I tried to figure out who to call first and tell I was going to the doctor on a Friday night: Mr. Man who would insist on coming or my mom who would freak out and THEN insist on coming? I selected Mr. Man. I eventually informed my mother when I was halfway there. I really didn't desire either one of them to be with me for the simple fact that it would be more pressure on me to figure out what was exactly wrong. I knew that my mother doesn't drive so I really wanted to be clear in letting her know I would be okay and there was no need in her coming with. I was also clear in letting Mr. Man know that I knew he would be with his daughter this weekend and needed rest and at most I would need someone to stay with me on the phone.

Mr. Man arrived at the doctor shortly after I did, because of course he does not listen. I was pretty relieved he got there when he did because, there was a mentally unstable man in the waiting room who made me nervous. This guy was engaged in a full scale argument with himself. People who talk to themselves don't bother me, people who answer themsleves send off all kinds of crazy flags though! The man was clearly arguing with his reflection. And hurling all sorts of obscenities too! I just kept thinking to myself if he was homeless (which I assumed from his clothing and green garbage bags with his belongings strewn about) how the hell did he get such yummy looking Chinese food?!

It wasn't soon before long I was in a room waiting to be seen. I had to pee in a cup. I always have bad aim with those things. So..yeah, lol.

The nurse then asked me what veins would be good for an IV.

"Why do I need an IV?!"
"Just in case you are trying to pass a kidney stone."
"Oh. Ow. Wow. Hmm. Okay pick an arm. Good luck, they normally aren't too sucessful."

She was no different. Stuck me in my hand and arm. Found nothing.
Called another nurse. I was thankful that she got it on the first try. Mr. Man commented that he could make me an IV with a hanger (scene from Taken, lol) and I started laughing so hard the pain was re-aggravated in my side. After hooking up the IV they gave me a wonderful pain medication. Somewhere throughout all of this Mr. Man is extremely extremely extremely unlike himself. Really flirty and seductive. I was like hello..we are in the emergency room. I'm pretty sure unless you have thousands of dollars in loans from med school your hand can't be underneath my gown right now. He sat back down and tried to behave but it just was not working. I was just super tired, partly from the events of the day, and partly from the events of the WEEK. It felt good to be laying down (even if it was a hospital bed) and it was nice that Mr. Man was being super attentive and protective. I could just drift off to sleep (and a few times I did) especially when they brought over the warm blanket and Mr. Man sat in the most uncomfortable of positions and wrapped his arm around my body so anyone who entered would go through him first, lol.

After a lot of false starts, stops, "what could be wrong with her?", CT scan (which was bananas! They stuck dye in my IV that made my body feel like it was on FIRE) I finally was brought back to my room and administered strong antibiotics for a urinary tract infection. All I know is when I was at the hospital I was going to the bathroom at least once an hour.

Finally, I was discharged, and Mr. Man and I hailed a cab home. The cabbie was nice enough. And a woman too. I hardly ever see female cabbies. She even gave us her card. When I got home my brother stayed up to make sure all was well and went to bed after seeing it was. Mr. Man fixed us some of the soup my mom had left on the stove, and then put the food away. We looked at some stuff on the computer. Although it was late we weren't sleepy (since we slept in the hospital room.) Eventually we did start getting ready to sleep (at least long enough for him to sleep before going home) and we had some good conversation. Well it was good in my opinion, perhaps because my part was drug induced. We were happy to just fall asleep with each other. He expressed how much he missed me, which is rare. In his eyes, why state the obvious - to him we aren't together every night and we SHOULD be together every night so of course he misses me. I remembered pointing out that even though I know he loves me he does not hesitate to say it every night or every day. He agreed with me. And we talked about a lot of deep and meaningful stuff that felt good at the moment I can't quite remember. I just remember him positioning my body in a way I would not be in pain and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. I'm sure I was talking when I fell asleep, but what I said only he and God know now.

Yesterday was a day of resting in. Mr. Man stayed with me late, before tucking me in and going on his merry way. I'm getting pretty used to him tucking me in. Today is Sunday,and I have homework to do (reading, which I should be able to skim to get a feel of things.)

Even though I'm starting off 2010 with an infection, I really do still feel like things are relatively well. I have a concrete plan for what I'm going to do to get the ball rolling on opening my school (which obviously won't happen for a few more years) but I can still make meaningful contributions in my field prior to that day. I feel very optimistic and pleased with my clarity of plans. To me most greats have accomplished much by 25 and I feel like I need to toss something into the universe to announce that I am here and very much a force to be reckoned with.

I think I can.

You're My Bad Habit Baby

I'm thinking I should possibly consider hitting up either the library or Redbox because I can't imagine being too mobile this weekend. If the snow is expected to be as bad as the weathermen say, I'm not really inspired to do much, except, possibly - my homework, lol. Go figure.

I ordered my boss's birthday/non-Christmas but kinda Christmas-ish gift from Amazon yesterday. It's a book, and I forget what else...oh Barack Obama memorabilia. I bought for myself none other than...a poetry book by Nikki Giovanni. This is specifically her Love Poems selection. I am such a Nikki Giovanni fangirl that when I read the poem for Nina, I sincerely started considering naming one of my daughters Nina. Even though I already have my children's names, I am in love with the name Nina, because of Nikki Giovanni.

It is not often, but reading her poetry is like singing the lyrics of my favorite song over and over again in the shower. EVERY poem is my FAVORITE poem, and when I post one on here, it's always so difficult to choose.

There was no purpose to this entry other than to brag about my latest book purchase. You mad?!

I'm off to face this weather.

Peace.

Baby, Baby, Baby!

2010 is looking mighty fine to me thus far. I've been positive, and for the most part my stomach has been calm. Good signals.

Yesterday was my first day of school. My teacher looks like Tad Martin from All My Children (yes, I watch the stories, not regularly, but my mom keeps me posted) and thats what I kept focusing on for the class period. He's one of those "I wanna know WHY you think what you think" professors. My eyebrow stayed raised all class period, because I was amused. He was all "Just call me Matt- I'm not one of those caught on titles" mmhmm..ok...I'll be calling you Professor as I call any one of my other instructors.

I am one of 4 Black people in the classroom. There are a few Middle Eastern girls (I couldn't tell whether they were Indian or Arabian) and it occurred to me to generalize them as Muslims may not be accurate because I have a Mid-Eastern co-worker, but she is Orthodox Christian. The rest of the class was White, from Ohio, or Missouri, or some shit. I swear, I hate class introductions. I love learning, I love education, but I am not really there to make friends. I want to do the best I can and get what I can, but the less interaction with people the better. I especially hate group projects. grown, man. And if I don't like people by now, I won't like them in this lifetime, got it? (Of course, I love people, and don't mind teamwork, but group projects normally are just a bad situation that could eff up my overall GPA. And I don't like those chances, feel me?)

Anyway, I have consciously decided to not let my Renee show AS much, and get back to my core. This essentially means that I don't want to end up resenting Mr. Man. In the beginning our relationship was great, and we didn't really spend that much time together, and lately, I have been craving more time but can't exactly figure out why. As well, I do feel kind of babyish when I admit it to him, especially because when we ARE NOT together, I know his exact itinerary and if he defers from that I am the first to know about it. I'm gonna go ahead and call it a phase. I notice when I'm busy, I don't care much, so I believe it was just a circumstance of being home alone during break not working, not having school work, being stuck in cold weather, and succumbing to the nothingness of it all. So, I made a promise to myself that come what may I will ALWAYS have something to call my own outside of Mr. Man.

That being said, I took myself to class (on the train) and made it BEFORE time. Had I caught the first bus, I may even have gotten there at 5:30 instead of 5:45. I felt so independent. So proud of myself.

I did call him at the close of class so he could bring me home safely. Independent my ass. That was about safety. And we did get home in a timely manner. We ate (the least I could do) and he enjoyed his food. He loves whatever I fix him basically. :) He actually likes MY cooking better than my mom's. He could just be pumping my head up, but others have eaten my food and lived to tell about it so it must be damn good lol. I was settling in on the computer, while he was just kind of laying there watching me work. I was consciously on my best behavior to not start anything before he left. I hate to start and then stop. Nope, you start with me, prepare to be here for the next 2 hours at least.

Then he says..."2011 is the wedding right? No more Trojans?" I looked over the computer screen and raised my eyebrow. Negreaux say what?? Then he reached over and touched my belly and said "Miles is on his way in 2011." I did smile at the comment. We both know that I want kids within the next couple years (sticking in my original time frame) and we both know I want a boy first, and we both know his name will be Miles (after the jazz great) Emory (after the Black Panther artist extraordinaire), and I am pretty sure he'll look like me so it's a possibility he will wear glasses and be average height. As well, we were talking about how, we haven't had children yet, but how I'm absolutely already in love with them. (We've decided on at least 3) So I put my laptop on my dresser and laid my head on his chest listening to his heart beat as he rambled about fatherhood, and marriage, how much he adores me, and us, and how its all going to be just great. I don't know if he is baby crazy at the moment because of the Secret Life of American Teenager marathon I made him sit through the night before (what?! I love that show okay???) or if it just hits him sometimes how good we are together. But I could tell it was one of those occasions where he wanted to be up talking all night (just talking) and didn't want to leave. And I end up all, sappy, and soft-eyed, and bubbly and wondered how I could ever doubt this isn't my man through and through. Grr.

It was a good day.

Peace.

Dirty Money

Happy New Year! (Even though I don't really celebrate it, I'm surely blessed to have made it through another year) That's a humbling moment all on its own...

Moving on from the humility (its a passing thang :), I've got some things to sort through (as usual!) because I am just a bundle of nerves and thoughts so here we go:

I scored a face to face interview at the institution I was talking about a few entries back. :) It's a great feeling! Until I started doing what I always do, when something happens...

I think.
and think.
and think some more.

You see this image? The scales and the balls? That's my mind. I immediately thought, pros and cons (given a successful interview and subsequent job offer). And of course I'm conflicted. I complain a lot about my job because I am one of the few people who can just go somewhere and work, and leave. I care about the things that happen because I care about how it affects my students. I care about the work that I do, because these are people's lives and dreams on the line. I love my job. I get to meet and interact with new people every day. There is never a dull moment. I don't care for my co-workers all the time, but hell they could be a hell of a lot worse. And I do love my boss, in the office and outside of the office. He's a good man, who believes in me and has given me leeway since I've started there to pretty much do as I please. He lets me go to school (and he doesn't have to). He understands that I will no longer work on Saturdays (because of the Sabbath) and has never pressed me on the issue. I know what I do, I love what I do, and I couldn't ask for a better, more understanding boss.

On the flip side, I'm cursed with caring too much about the politics of it all. That is what is draining sometimes. I would like to make some more money also, because I do work really hard. With a new job comes new responsibilities, as well, I have no idea how those responsibilities will cut in on what free time I have to myself. I need a job that still allows me considerable flexibility to pursue my entrepreneurial non-profit ventures. I can't necessarily do that in an administrative position.

But I do want more money, lol.

But more money for what? I'm officially debt free. I live at home (for the moment) and most likely will for the next few months, considering that my mom is giving me more freedom in some areas. And anyway, I pretty much do what I want when I want money wise.

More money would be nice. More money to save, invest, and even plan for my future with, but right now, more money isn't a good enough reason for me to potentially leave the job I have. And it was from this perspective, that I respectfully declined to interview for the Registrar position. Ultimately, my dream is to teach, and I should be wrapping up these classes in about two years. I don't want to switch my job completely for merely 2 years. I just don't wish to lose focus on what I'm meant to do. And sometimes, I enjoy and welcome the struggle.

Peace.

A Whole New World

The line from this song is pretty much what I've been marinating on for the past couple of days:

"Tell me Princess, now- when did you last let your heart decide?"



I've got funky butterflies in my stomach doing humongous flip flops and they have been for the past couple of days, and I don't know why, lol. I'm excited for so many things. I'm anxious just considering the possibilities and I always drive myself crazy thinking things out. I'm not the person to just up and DO something.

I don't know which way to go about this job!!

Man.
Decisions, decisions.
But after doing SO much thinking, I need to let my heart take the wheel on this one..

Peace.