Here We Go...

I'm on my way to the library to...study.

What did you think I was going to say.

I think at the age of 25, I am officially sick of school. I am sick of midterms, and sick of finals. I am sick of sitting in 3 hour classes.

It's cold out here, and I don't feel like going one bit, but alas, I will do what I must because I am interested in the payoff. Afterall, it won't be soon before long I have my very own classroom.

And...12 more days until my trip to Atlanta.

Vote For Me And I'll Set You Free!

I am eligible to receive a late arrival of up to two hours to go vote on Tuesday, February 2.

Sweet! Get to go into work at 1PM. I should be sitting around somewhere trying to figure out what I will do with the extra hours in the morning!

Of course, I have taken this opportunity to ponder the thought process behind my voting.

The Vote or Die campaign started a few years back was an ingenious (really it was, I dig the method, even if I don't dig the man) method to inspire the "hip-hop generation" to get involved with the political process. America was preparing to enter lands to spread democracy and quell terrorism. On the homefront, however, things were not quite as noble. Students were poorly educated because schools were poorly funded, dot com businesses were fizzling out, and social security was maxed out by baby boomers. The future for my generation looked pretty bleaked. We were told, however, that we had power when we voted.

Let's revisit that theory. The first election I was old enough to vote in gave Bush a victory he did not rightly deserve due to some 'fuzzy math' in Electoral College 101, in which the wishes of the POPULAR VOTE were not carried out. Another election, Bush won again (seemingly legally) but, again, even if the President is the head of a party which you don't consider yourself a member of, this is a democratic repulic where the people's desires should be met on SOME level. Not so. Last year, like millions of people Barack Obama was voted into office, for the chance at 'change'. Well, a deepening recession and national waves of unemployment, sort of has me feeling some kind of way about Mr. Obama, but more importantly, questioning the millions of people who (after 8 years of Bush) voted for Barack with faith.

Looking back now, I do regret my decision. And here is why. As a nation, we have been sequestered into a pattern that has us voting for people that are necessarily qualified to run the nation, but voting for who we consider to be the lesser of two evils. And this is a habit that I don't think I can consciously support anymore.

Does this mean I cease voting, a right that so many people died for me to have? I have been trying to come to a conclusive decision but I just don't have one! If I vote on Tuesday (granted, these are local elections) I would just be voting down the party line (which I don't have a party) or even worse, voting for whoever is endorsed by the Sun-Times or the Tribune. Right now, I just don't know what to do...

Peace.

It Hurts When You Say I Ain't The One

So here I am looking at natural remedies for my infection. The reason for that is because I fall somewhere between being overly sensitive with medicine or they don't bother me at all. I wasn't as lucky with this particular medication that I was prescribed. Apparently, levaquin can make you feel hella weird, and I have been feeling BEYOND hella weird. My muscles ache, I feel nauseous, and jittery. I stopped taking the medicine. Luckily my doctor's appointment is on Monday. I am hoping that taking the cranberry juice and continuing to drink lots of water will get me through the week.

Monday is my mother's birthday. I bought her a 10.1 pink HP netbook. It is sooo pretty. :) I am pretty sure she is going to love it. I am a little frustrated with my sister in regards to my mom's birthday. I messaged her on FB asking her what days she would like to do something. I said we can shoot for the weekend prior to her birthday, or the weekend after. Do you know that heffa hasn't responded? I sent that message on Monday of this week. It's Thursday. And this heffa works in IT so don't y'all try to jump on me saying that "Maybe she doesn't check her FB like that." No, SHE DOES, she's just wack as hell sometimes. I don't care that she didn't make herself available for my birthday. I'm almost to the point where I don't feel the need to invite her to events period because she is so flaky. However, we have the same mother, and I DO continuously invite her out of obligation. What is the big deal for my mom having all her kids around her on her birthday, whether it is a dinner at home or a dinner out for once in her life? We have never done that, and we are all only getting older. So basically, I just asked my sister on FB if she got my last message.

EDIT: She just responded. Didn't really answer my question. I'm done. I'm just going to coordinate my mom's birthday with who it's been all the while. Me and my brothers.

I Love Me Some Him

Even though I was in the bathroom like oh...every 30 to 45 minutes (due to my lovely UTI) this past weekend, it really wasn't that bad. Once I got in the shower and washed my hair, used my Carol Daughter products and braided that fro down, I felt pretty darn pampered. :)

Speaking of my hair, it is pretty effing awesome! I love my Natural hair, and on this uber rare occasion I enclose a picture of my 'frotastic locks! It is so healthy and I couldn't be more pleased. What's more is generally, I can just jump out the shower, put in some leave-in and go. People (co-workers) love to just touch it, lol, which cracks me up. I don't know why people think Black folk's hair is hard, but it really isn't. It's just textured, lmao.

Last night, after a long drawn out, sickly weekend, Mr. Man came on by the house after taking his daughter to the movies. He proceeded to get under my covers (mind you I'm the sick one) and commence snoring. Normally, this action pisses me off to no end. But, Mr. Man really did take wonderful care of me this weekend, and only left my side when it was necessary. Eventually I did nap with him, but while I was up on one of my thousand trips to the bathroom, I just had to take a picture of him so peaceful looking and sleep. Lord knows I love me some him.

Tomorrow is class. I was supposed to have read 5 Chapters. Seeing as how I was sick this weekend and didn't get the book until Saturday afternoon, how about I didn't even read one Chapter? Yuck. Not a good way to start off the quarter. Oh well. I'ma get it in when I can, I suppose.

Peace.

Tired of the Strain and Pain

She called my name.

It was about 4:15 on Friday afternoon.

Just 45 minutes.
Gotta pick up me and Mr. Man something for the Sabbath.
Call mom and ask her if she wants dinner too.
Gonna dip in and out the mall so quick - and then in my bed for 2 days.
But dammit, it hurts.

She called my name, and subconsciously, I felt the pain in my side. Sharp. I drew in my breath and semi-hollered "What?!" more so out of my pain, and less out of my sick of being called on again.

"Dezzy?!"
"Anita?! I am so so so so so sorry. That wasn't meant for you - I'm just so tired. And in pain."

I gave her the cards she needed before clutching my phone and walking to the bathroom to pee AGAIN.

Even peeing was killing me. It was my own fault. I have a bad habit of drinking tons of water and then waiting FOREVER to urinate. Not good.

I limped to the side door where folks normally pollute their lungs (as if working where we worked wasn't damage enough to the body?) and called Mr. Man. He was at school completing his registration. I smiled as I reflected on how proud of him I am sometimes.

"You sound sleep."
"I don't feel good babe."
"You can't hang for 30 more minutes?"
"I don't know, maybe I am just tired from standing up for 2 and a half hours."

Limped back to the office. Each step becoming harder and harder to take. At this point I don't care if I look fat, pregnant, or crazy. I'm sure I looked like I was all 3. I turned off my computer, got my stuff, politely told my boss I was leaving (10 minutes early) because if I didn't go to the doctor, I may not be able to report to work on Monday. He allowed it (of course).

I walked outside the doors and tried to inhale the fresh, winter air, only to find that breathing was becoming more and more difficult. This pain in my side was not letting up for nothing in the world. Limped to the bus stop as I tried to figure out who to call first and tell I was going to the doctor on a Friday night: Mr. Man who would insist on coming or my mom who would freak out and THEN insist on coming? I selected Mr. Man. I eventually informed my mother when I was halfway there. I really didn't desire either one of them to be with me for the simple fact that it would be more pressure on me to figure out what was exactly wrong. I knew that my mother doesn't drive so I really wanted to be clear in letting her know I would be okay and there was no need in her coming with. I was also clear in letting Mr. Man know that I knew he would be with his daughter this weekend and needed rest and at most I would need someone to stay with me on the phone.

Mr. Man arrived at the doctor shortly after I did, because of course he does not listen. I was pretty relieved he got there when he did because, there was a mentally unstable man in the waiting room who made me nervous. This guy was engaged in a full scale argument with himself. People who talk to themselves don't bother me, people who answer themsleves send off all kinds of crazy flags though! The man was clearly arguing with his reflection. And hurling all sorts of obscenities too! I just kept thinking to myself if he was homeless (which I assumed from his clothing and green garbage bags with his belongings strewn about) how the hell did he get such yummy looking Chinese food?!

It wasn't soon before long I was in a room waiting to be seen. I had to pee in a cup. I always have bad aim with those things. So..yeah, lol.

The nurse then asked me what veins would be good for an IV.

"Why do I need an IV?!"
"Just in case you are trying to pass a kidney stone."
"Oh. Ow. Wow. Hmm. Okay pick an arm. Good luck, they normally aren't too sucessful."

She was no different. Stuck me in my hand and arm. Found nothing.
Called another nurse. I was thankful that she got it on the first try. Mr. Man commented that he could make me an IV with a hanger (scene from Taken, lol) and I started laughing so hard the pain was re-aggravated in my side. After hooking up the IV they gave me a wonderful pain medication. Somewhere throughout all of this Mr. Man is extremely extremely extremely unlike himself. Really flirty and seductive. I was like hello..we are in the emergency room. I'm pretty sure unless you have thousands of dollars in loans from med school your hand can't be underneath my gown right now. He sat back down and tried to behave but it just was not working. I was just super tired, partly from the events of the day, and partly from the events of the WEEK. It felt good to be laying down (even if it was a hospital bed) and it was nice that Mr. Man was being super attentive and protective. I could just drift off to sleep (and a few times I did) especially when they brought over the warm blanket and Mr. Man sat in the most uncomfortable of positions and wrapped his arm around my body so anyone who entered would go through him first, lol.

After a lot of false starts, stops, "what could be wrong with her?", CT scan (which was bananas! They stuck dye in my IV that made my body feel like it was on FIRE) I finally was brought back to my room and administered strong antibiotics for a urinary tract infection. All I know is when I was at the hospital I was going to the bathroom at least once an hour.

Finally, I was discharged, and Mr. Man and I hailed a cab home. The cabbie was nice enough. And a woman too. I hardly ever see female cabbies. She even gave us her card. When I got home my brother stayed up to make sure all was well and went to bed after seeing it was. Mr. Man fixed us some of the soup my mom had left on the stove, and then put the food away. We looked at some stuff on the computer. Although it was late we weren't sleepy (since we slept in the hospital room.) Eventually we did start getting ready to sleep (at least long enough for him to sleep before going home) and we had some good conversation. Well it was good in my opinion, perhaps because my part was drug induced. We were happy to just fall asleep with each other. He expressed how much he missed me, which is rare. In his eyes, why state the obvious - to him we aren't together every night and we SHOULD be together every night so of course he misses me. I remembered pointing out that even though I know he loves me he does not hesitate to say it every night or every day. He agreed with me. And we talked about a lot of deep and meaningful stuff that felt good at the moment I can't quite remember. I just remember him positioning my body in a way I would not be in pain and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. I'm sure I was talking when I fell asleep, but what I said only he and God know now.

Yesterday was a day of resting in. Mr. Man stayed with me late, before tucking me in and going on his merry way. I'm getting pretty used to him tucking me in. Today is Sunday,and I have homework to do (reading, which I should be able to skim to get a feel of things.)

Even though I'm starting off 2010 with an infection, I really do still feel like things are relatively well. I have a concrete plan for what I'm going to do to get the ball rolling on opening my school (which obviously won't happen for a few more years) but I can still make meaningful contributions in my field prior to that day. I feel very optimistic and pleased with my clarity of plans. To me most greats have accomplished much by 25 and I feel like I need to toss something into the universe to announce that I am here and very much a force to be reckoned with.

I think I can.

You're My Bad Habit Baby

I'm thinking I should possibly consider hitting up either the library or Redbox because I can't imagine being too mobile this weekend. If the snow is expected to be as bad as the weathermen say, I'm not really inspired to do much, except, possibly - my homework, lol. Go figure.

I ordered my boss's birthday/non-Christmas but kinda Christmas-ish gift from Amazon yesterday. It's a book, and I forget what else...oh Barack Obama memorabilia. I bought for myself none other than...a poetry book by Nikki Giovanni. This is specifically her Love Poems selection. I am such a Nikki Giovanni fangirl that when I read the poem for Nina, I sincerely started considering naming one of my daughters Nina. Even though I already have my children's names, I am in love with the name Nina, because of Nikki Giovanni.

It is not often, but reading her poetry is like singing the lyrics of my favorite song over and over again in the shower. EVERY poem is my FAVORITE poem, and when I post one on here, it's always so difficult to choose.

There was no purpose to this entry other than to brag about my latest book purchase. You mad?!

I'm off to face this weather.

Peace.

Baby, Baby, Baby!

2010 is looking mighty fine to me thus far. I've been positive, and for the most part my stomach has been calm. Good signals.

Yesterday was my first day of school. My teacher looks like Tad Martin from All My Children (yes, I watch the stories, not regularly, but my mom keeps me posted) and thats what I kept focusing on for the class period. He's one of those "I wanna know WHY you think what you think" professors. My eyebrow stayed raised all class period, because I was amused. He was all "Just call me Matt- I'm not one of those caught on titles" mmhmm..ok...I'll be calling you Professor as I call any one of my other instructors.

I am one of 4 Black people in the classroom. There are a few Middle Eastern girls (I couldn't tell whether they were Indian or Arabian) and it occurred to me to generalize them as Muslims may not be accurate because I have a Mid-Eastern co-worker, but she is Orthodox Christian. The rest of the class was White, from Ohio, or Missouri, or some shit. I swear, I hate class introductions. I love learning, I love education, but I am not really there to make friends. I want to do the best I can and get what I can, but the less interaction with people the better. I especially hate group projects. grown, man. And if I don't like people by now, I won't like them in this lifetime, got it? (Of course, I love people, and don't mind teamwork, but group projects normally are just a bad situation that could eff up my overall GPA. And I don't like those chances, feel me?)

Anyway, I have consciously decided to not let my Renee show AS much, and get back to my core. This essentially means that I don't want to end up resenting Mr. Man. In the beginning our relationship was great, and we didn't really spend that much time together, and lately, I have been craving more time but can't exactly figure out why. As well, I do feel kind of babyish when I admit it to him, especially because when we ARE NOT together, I know his exact itinerary and if he defers from that I am the first to know about it. I'm gonna go ahead and call it a phase. I notice when I'm busy, I don't care much, so I believe it was just a circumstance of being home alone during break not working, not having school work, being stuck in cold weather, and succumbing to the nothingness of it all. So, I made a promise to myself that come what may I will ALWAYS have something to call my own outside of Mr. Man.

That being said, I took myself to class (on the train) and made it BEFORE time. Had I caught the first bus, I may even have gotten there at 5:30 instead of 5:45. I felt so independent. So proud of myself.

I did call him at the close of class so he could bring me home safely. Independent my ass. That was about safety. And we did get home in a timely manner. We ate (the least I could do) and he enjoyed his food. He loves whatever I fix him basically. :) He actually likes MY cooking better than my mom's. He could just be pumping my head up, but others have eaten my food and lived to tell about it so it must be damn good lol. I was settling in on the computer, while he was just kind of laying there watching me work. I was consciously on my best behavior to not start anything before he left. I hate to start and then stop. Nope, you start with me, prepare to be here for the next 2 hours at least.

Then he says..."2011 is the wedding right? No more Trojans?" I looked over the computer screen and raised my eyebrow. Negreaux say what?? Then he reached over and touched my belly and said "Miles is on his way in 2011." I did smile at the comment. We both know that I want kids within the next couple years (sticking in my original time frame) and we both know I want a boy first, and we both know his name will be Miles (after the jazz great) Emory (after the Black Panther artist extraordinaire), and I am pretty sure he'll look like me so it's a possibility he will wear glasses and be average height. As well, we were talking about how, we haven't had children yet, but how I'm absolutely already in love with them. (We've decided on at least 3) So I put my laptop on my dresser and laid my head on his chest listening to his heart beat as he rambled about fatherhood, and marriage, how much he adores me, and us, and how its all going to be just great. I don't know if he is baby crazy at the moment because of the Secret Life of American Teenager marathon I made him sit through the night before (what?! I love that show okay???) or if it just hits him sometimes how good we are together. But I could tell it was one of those occasions where he wanted to be up talking all night (just talking) and didn't want to leave. And I end up all, sappy, and soft-eyed, and bubbly and wondered how I could ever doubt this isn't my man through and through. Grr.

It was a good day.

Peace.

Dirty Money

Happy New Year! (Even though I don't really celebrate it, I'm surely blessed to have made it through another year) That's a humbling moment all on its own...

Moving on from the humility (its a passing thang :), I've got some things to sort through (as usual!) because I am just a bundle of nerves and thoughts so here we go:

I scored a face to face interview at the institution I was talking about a few entries back. :) It's a great feeling! Until I started doing what I always do, when something happens...

I think.
and think.
and think some more.

You see this image? The scales and the balls? That's my mind. I immediately thought, pros and cons (given a successful interview and subsequent job offer). And of course I'm conflicted. I complain a lot about my job because I am one of the few people who can just go somewhere and work, and leave. I care about the things that happen because I care about how it affects my students. I care about the work that I do, because these are people's lives and dreams on the line. I love my job. I get to meet and interact with new people every day. There is never a dull moment. I don't care for my co-workers all the time, but hell they could be a hell of a lot worse. And I do love my boss, in the office and outside of the office. He's a good man, who believes in me and has given me leeway since I've started there to pretty much do as I please. He lets me go to school (and he doesn't have to). He understands that I will no longer work on Saturdays (because of the Sabbath) and has never pressed me on the issue. I know what I do, I love what I do, and I couldn't ask for a better, more understanding boss.

On the flip side, I'm cursed with caring too much about the politics of it all. That is what is draining sometimes. I would like to make some more money also, because I do work really hard. With a new job comes new responsibilities, as well, I have no idea how those responsibilities will cut in on what free time I have to myself. I need a job that still allows me considerable flexibility to pursue my entrepreneurial non-profit ventures. I can't necessarily do that in an administrative position.

But I do want more money, lol.

But more money for what? I'm officially debt free. I live at home (for the moment) and most likely will for the next few months, considering that my mom is giving me more freedom in some areas. And anyway, I pretty much do what I want when I want money wise.

More money would be nice. More money to save, invest, and even plan for my future with, but right now, more money isn't a good enough reason for me to potentially leave the job I have. And it was from this perspective, that I respectfully declined to interview for the Registrar position. Ultimately, my dream is to teach, and I should be wrapping up these classes in about two years. I don't want to switch my job completely for merely 2 years. I just don't wish to lose focus on what I'm meant to do. And sometimes, I enjoy and welcome the struggle.

Peace.

A Whole New World

The line from this song is pretty much what I've been marinating on for the past couple of days:

"Tell me Princess, now- when did you last let your heart decide?"



I've got funky butterflies in my stomach doing humongous flip flops and they have been for the past couple of days, and I don't know why, lol. I'm excited for so many things. I'm anxious just considering the possibilities and I always drive myself crazy thinking things out. I'm not the person to just up and DO something.

I don't know which way to go about this job!!

Man.
Decisions, decisions.
But after doing SO much thinking, I need to let my heart take the wheel on this one..

Peace.