The past two weeks has seen my health on a downward spiral. I've had a lot of time spent on my back (and not in a good way) but it was semi-positive. I've done a lot of thinking about my father. I see now how being in a nursing home environment is a horrible place to be. It starts off a never ending cycle of continuous illness. Before my dad got sick, I never knew men could get yeast infections. Now that I had my yeast infection, and have seen the causes for it, I see that prolonged exposure to antibiotics - those things that are supposed to help you get better - actually make you prone to other things. Each time I got sicker, first the extra period, then the yeast infection, and then the ear infection, I kept thinking if my father felt all of the things he went through. I often thought that he wasn't in pain - thinking of him in pain AND being that sick would have ridden me with enough guilt (survivor's guilt) for the next two lifetimes. I quieted my conscience by saying that most of what he went through he didn't feel. There were times were I could visibly witness his pain, but most times, I often thought he was just plain old sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It is weird thinking of my dad being really deceased. I have not been to his grave. I did not go to the burial after the ceremony. I felt only a little guilty. Somehow that sight seems so totally final and something I'm not really ready for. I've never seen my brother's grave either, and I doubt that I ever will. I was so strong for so long for a lot of reasons in my dad's situation - but I know seeing that grave will just break me into pieces. And I'm woman enough to admit I'm just not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be either...
I had a lot of fighting going on around me last week. Besides me trying to gain the strength within myself to not succumb the itchy burny feelings in my ear and crotch...I was fighting at work. Not out and out clawing and yelling, but it was pretty close to it. If it's not being the King Solomon in the middle of petty disputes, it's fighting the administration. I think a few entries ago I mentioned my application to participate in this leadership academy at work. First of all, I thought it was a great way for me to professionally develop myself (outside of getting more degrees and certifications). Also, I don't think all leaders are born. I believe people can be taught to lead. I like to learn, know that there is a LOT out there for me to learn, and I have a real desire to be a leader. How else can I open my own school in a few years?
Well, the Dean certainly had qualms about allowing me to apply - not participate, but merely my application!! Me and my boss talked about it and I respectfully disagreed with the Dean's thought process (his exact words were "It's not her time") WTF?! I was so thrown and immediately threw myself into a job search. It's just not worth the drama. Everything is always so dramatic and everyone is so uninterested in moving above the status quo and that is NOT me.Eventually, my boss was able to persuade the Dean in signing off on my application, for which I was grateful. The overarching experience made me feel more determined than ever to be about my B I and keep it moving.
The weekend was a long one, seeing as how I was still sick but I made it through. My King took care of me. I am not in any way shape or form, a diva, or even a baby. But there's a feeling of knowing there's one person on this earth who will baby you no matter what. Mr. Man did basically everything I told him to do while I was sick. I asked him to rub my feet, and rub my back. He did it. I asked him to tell me a story because I didn't want to watch tv. What ensued was him making up a story about a Black cowboy named Dusty Rusty in the old Wild West, lol. Dusty Rusty was a loner, but eventually stayed in this one town and married Marilyn, a little waitress at the local inn he stayed at. Dusty eventually became sheriff of that town, retired, died, and entered the Lord's kingdom because even though he was a cowboy he was a good man. Lol. And like a 4 year old I interrupted every 5 seconds, lol. But it was funny and sweet. I told him to sing to me and he sang some song he made up called "Every Night." It was the worst singing I ever heard in my life, but he was working hard to make me smile and I couldn't help but do just that. Rapper, yes. Singer? Heck no! We watched movies he rented from the library and just had a gay old time as old people like to say. I probably fell more in love with him over the time I was at my absolute worst than I ever have before.
I've decided that my birthday provides the perfect occassion for both families to meet at ESPN Zone. Mr. Man's Mom did mention once to tell my mother "hello" although they had never met, and I think now is that time. We've been dating for over a year now, he introduces me to other people as his fiance. It only seems appropriate that our families meet each other in a low-pressure social setting. It's not some wedding dinner or whatever, it's a birthday dinner at ESPN Zone and if people get bored there are games to play and what not. Yes, I'm already considering my birthday, lol. It's about a month away before I turn...25.
Shit I'm getting older.
But I can't deny that I'm getting better, too.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Can't Wear Skinny Jeans 'Cause My Knots Don't Fit
Perpare for an entry on complete and utter randomness:
1. Oral contraceptives (besides fucking with your cycle) can lead to yeast infections. I have learned this through personal experience. I am seriously beginning to ask - why use them bastards if they come with all of the effing side affects? Just have the damn baby already!
1a. Then again, would I rather have two weeks of discomfort or 18 years of lasting side effects in the form of someone who demands burping, diaper changing, feeding, and money? Option A, please!
2. Sex related random, so I'll keep it in this section. I am on day 10 of not having sex. Might be longer - scratch that - I know it'll be much longer before I get some. At least until I get the all clear from my doctor that everything with my va-jay-jay is intact. I don't have any STD's or anything like that. (They tested me for things I can't even prononce.) For the most part he (Mr. Man) has been pretty good about keeping his hands to himself...until I was in his kitchen cooking dinner last night. I thought he was joking but apparently it was some huge turn on to him. HUGE turn on. Who knew? So before the night was over, he got some oral action from me. I noticed he had murmured something about "sleeping like a baby" after I was done. Boy was he ever telling the truth. I was trying to talk to him on the train but I kept feeling his head get heavy on my chest. Everytime he gets oral action he pretty much knocks out. I can forget about gettin' some anything after that. Not even some conversation, lol. I just shook my head, lol.
3. I applied to be part of this leadership academy at work. I was pretty much keeping it to myself because I don't know if I will actually get selected. :/ It will look great on my resume if I do, and expose me to some new contacts in the educational field. I just feel funny about writing my thoughts on education down for other people to read. I feel like people might steal it or something. And that would be pretty devastating to me. I had no idea that the Dean had to sign off on my paperwork so we will see where it goes next. *shrugs* I hope I get in though. I just hate admitting that I hope I get in.
4. It is June and it is COLD. Like, I need to wear a winter hat because my scalp is exposed cold. Like, a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and a bowl of chili for dinner isn't entirely unacceptable. Le sigh.
5. Father's Day is approaching. I guess too many other family holidays have passed by that my family didn't really celebrate, but I do remember celebrating Father's Day. Decorating the ties in school. Writing the "What Does My Father Mean To Me" essays. I have been thinking about visiting the cemetery but I really don't know if that is something that I am prepared for. Thinking about it really makes me uneasy. It is very final. I see how heaven can be comforting for some people and thinking that their loved ones are looking down on them is a nice thought. I know that is not the case with my father. My faith reasons that the Lord will come down and establish his kingdom on earth. I believe that. My faith also reasons that if everyone instantly goes to heaven, then how is judgment to occur? I believe that also. I know if I am not comfortable going to the cemetery then I don't have to rush myself to go. But it seems like I should do it at least once. I don't know when that one time will be though.
1. Oral contraceptives (besides fucking with your cycle) can lead to yeast infections. I have learned this through personal experience. I am seriously beginning to ask - why use them bastards if they come with all of the effing side affects? Just have the damn baby already!
1a. Then again, would I rather have two weeks of discomfort or 18 years of lasting side effects in the form of someone who demands burping, diaper changing, feeding, and money? Option A, please!
2. Sex related random, so I'll keep it in this section. I am on day 10 of not having sex. Might be longer - scratch that - I know it'll be much longer before I get some. At least until I get the all clear from my doctor that everything with my va-jay-jay is intact. I don't have any STD's or anything like that. (They tested me for things I can't even prononce.) For the most part he (Mr. Man) has been pretty good about keeping his hands to himself...until I was in his kitchen cooking dinner last night. I thought he was joking but apparently it was some huge turn on to him. HUGE turn on. Who knew? So before the night was over, he got some oral action from me. I noticed he had murmured something about "sleeping like a baby" after I was done. Boy was he ever telling the truth. I was trying to talk to him on the train but I kept feeling his head get heavy on my chest. Everytime he gets oral action he pretty much knocks out. I can forget about gettin' some anything after that. Not even some conversation, lol. I just shook my head, lol.
3. I applied to be part of this leadership academy at work. I was pretty much keeping it to myself because I don't know if I will actually get selected. :/ It will look great on my resume if I do, and expose me to some new contacts in the educational field. I just feel funny about writing my thoughts on education down for other people to read. I feel like people might steal it or something. And that would be pretty devastating to me. I had no idea that the Dean had to sign off on my paperwork so we will see where it goes next. *shrugs* I hope I get in though. I just hate admitting that I hope I get in.
4. It is June and it is COLD. Like, I need to wear a winter hat because my scalp is exposed cold. Like, a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and a bowl of chili for dinner isn't entirely unacceptable. Le sigh.
5. Father's Day is approaching. I guess too many other family holidays have passed by that my family didn't really celebrate, but I do remember celebrating Father's Day. Decorating the ties in school. Writing the "What Does My Father Mean To Me" essays. I have been thinking about visiting the cemetery but I really don't know if that is something that I am prepared for. Thinking about it really makes me uneasy. It is very final. I see how heaven can be comforting for some people and thinking that their loved ones are looking down on them is a nice thought. I know that is not the case with my father. My faith reasons that the Lord will come down and establish his kingdom on earth. I believe that. My faith also reasons that if everyone instantly goes to heaven, then how is judgment to occur? I believe that also. I know if I am not comfortable going to the cemetery then I don't have to rush myself to go. But it seems like I should do it at least once. I don't know when that one time will be though.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Midnight Bottle
Blame it on the a-a-a-nxiety, blame it on the web, blame it on Google. My imagination was driving me crazy. Sure, I was bleeding, but I didn't know why. Never did it dawn on me that I could really be getting my period twice within a 5 week period.
But that is absolutely what the situation was.
I went to the ER and it appears that my babbling to the doctor was completely incoherent. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was in there for until I told her "Well I googled vaginal bleeding - and it said ALL these things could be wrong."
:/
That's the face I got from the doctor - she completely understood A) how I was scared out of my mind and B) why I couldn't wait one more second to see what was REALLY going on.
Of course, I had to spread the legs so she could look. Said everything looked fine, healthy, no abrasions, bumps, etc. She swabbed my cervix and said at best, having taken Plan B, I probably experienced my period much sooner than expected. Also, I had to take in consideration for April - my period was nowhere to be found. Go figure. You all have no idea how good I felt after speaking to the doctor, my mind was clear - and I physically felt better. The next morning I woke up, I noticed the familiar feeling in my belly from being on my period. I was thankful.
I started school this week. Not my second Masters though. I enrolled in a class at the school I work at to defer my loans. Thank God for that. I really could not have afforded to start paying my loans back, as well, my mind needs the stimulation. I enrolled in a Psychology course. If I ever decide to pursue yet another Master's degree (lol) I could always choose Poli Sci or Psychology. I doubt it though. Most likely I would begin pursuit of my doctorate. My mom wants me to start that sooner than later, but I'm not wholly interested in that. How much time can a person spend in school? Especially when I have aspirations of starting my own school. I certainly want my doctorate, but I have to get in the community sooner than later! I'm sure you all know how parents can be, though. My mom thinks it's more likely for me to get knocked up than complete my studies. (Oh she of little faith!)
My cousin is having a BBQ this weekend that I can't attend. First off, it's on the Sabbath. Second off, I won't be able to eat anything that's cooked - I don't eat red meat or pork. She was pretty understanding about it, but I wish I had more people that understood or could relate to keeping the Sabbath. When I say I keep it, a lot of people just kind of look and say "Oh". It's not just "Oh." When the rest of the free world keeps the Sabbath on Sunday and society is meant to operate in that way it's hard to refrain from doing things on Saturday when you work all week, and on Sundays to try to get things done is difficult because most places are closed. (I'm not complaining, just explaining)I'm doing okay, but I suppose I could be doing a lot lot better. I'm getting there slowly but surely.
I need to get ready for work. Peace!
But that is absolutely what the situation was.
I went to the ER and it appears that my babbling to the doctor was completely incoherent. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was in there for until I told her "Well I googled vaginal bleeding - and it said ALL these things could be wrong."
:/
That's the face I got from the doctor - she completely understood A) how I was scared out of my mind and B) why I couldn't wait one more second to see what was REALLY going on.
Of course, I had to spread the legs so she could look. Said everything looked fine, healthy, no abrasions, bumps, etc. She swabbed my cervix and said at best, having taken Plan B, I probably experienced my period much sooner than expected. Also, I had to take in consideration for April - my period was nowhere to be found. Go figure. You all have no idea how good I felt after speaking to the doctor, my mind was clear - and I physically felt better. The next morning I woke up, I noticed the familiar feeling in my belly from being on my period. I was thankful.
I started school this week. Not my second Masters though. I enrolled in a class at the school I work at to defer my loans. Thank God for that. I really could not have afforded to start paying my loans back, as well, my mind needs the stimulation. I enrolled in a Psychology course. If I ever decide to pursue yet another Master's degree (lol) I could always choose Poli Sci or Psychology. I doubt it though. Most likely I would begin pursuit of my doctorate. My mom wants me to start that sooner than later, but I'm not wholly interested in that. How much time can a person spend in school? Especially when I have aspirations of starting my own school. I certainly want my doctorate, but I have to get in the community sooner than later! I'm sure you all know how parents can be, though. My mom thinks it's more likely for me to get knocked up than complete my studies. (Oh she of little faith!)
My cousin is having a BBQ this weekend that I can't attend. First off, it's on the Sabbath. Second off, I won't be able to eat anything that's cooked - I don't eat red meat or pork. She was pretty understanding about it, but I wish I had more people that understood or could relate to keeping the Sabbath. When I say I keep it, a lot of people just kind of look and say "Oh". It's not just "Oh." When the rest of the free world keeps the Sabbath on Sunday and society is meant to operate in that way it's hard to refrain from doing things on Saturday when you work all week, and on Sundays to try to get things done is difficult because most places are closed. (I'm not complaining, just explaining)I'm doing okay, but I suppose I could be doing a lot lot better. I'm getting there slowly but surely.
I need to get ready for work. Peace!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Fearless
Okay. Maybe not fearless. Maybe fearful should be what this is titled.
On one of the many occasions that Mr. Man and I were really making use of the King size bed we shared, it was brought to my attention that I was bleeding afterwards.
Talk about killing a buzz. Here I am floating so high in the sky (some orgasms later) and then - CRASH - the thought of blood is enough to snap me back into the very real and present reality. I won't lie - this is my blog so no need for that. There was some very hot, passionate, sweaty, rough sexxx going on. It didn't bother me because each time he took it up a notch - I took it up a notch also. Two people who don't really have any stopping sense when it comes to that category really don't have any reason to be together. But should it happen - the world should watch out.
I couldn't understand how I was bleeding. I looked down at my va-jay-jay. I wasn't sore. Well at least not in that area. My muscles were sore like I just got done playing two games back to back of full court basketball but otherwise. But nothing below the belt. I didn't worry about it. At worst, Mr. Man went too deep, and eventually I would be okay.
That was on Friday. Today is Monday and I'm still spotting. On one hand - I'm cool as a cucumber. I don't feel like I'm in pain so what is there to worry about? My paranoia (and slight instinct) has prevented me from even wanting to have sex (I told Mr. Man at best, perhaps we should wait 7 to 10 days before doing anything) but the more and more I consider things...the worse I feel inside. One (or two, or three maximum) sessions of rough sex could maybe bother my insides and prevent me from having children one day. What if the bleeding is indicative of a worse problem - a problem I'm not even ready to deal with? Or...what if I'm overeacting? This IS after all the first time Mr. Man and I have ever even been together intimately everyday in a week's span - maybe the va-jay-jay is worn out. But everytime I think about something being wrong with my reproductive organs - my heart hurts and I start wanting to cry. I don't want anything in the world to prevent me from having kids.
I need to go to the doctor, but if I go now - my mom will be super suspicious. I can't wait to schedule an appointment, because with fucking HMO I'll have to go to my internist BEFORE going to the gynecologist. If something IS wrong - then I'd be waiting anywhere from 3 weeks to a month before seeing someone about it. The way I'm feeling now though - I know I'm going to the ER, I just have to try to wait it out until Wednesday. If this were a regular workday, I guess I would just go after work and not worry about my mom. Granted, I'd probably be in the ER til about 11AM or 12 midnight but I'm sure I could talk my way out of that. Also, I'm due in at work for overtime this week at 8AM instead of my regularly scheduled 11AM. At best, I think I will just leave early on Wednesday or Thursday. What other choices do I have? The longer this spotting (and it's not major - just enough to make me freak out! and who wouldn't freak out at the sight of blood when its not that time of the month?!)occurs, the crazier I feel inside.
If it's not one thing it's another. I have no moral to this sotry until I find out the root cause of the bleed. I want to blame someone - but I can only blame myself. I feel so retarded. How could I not tell he was hitting something inside that he shouldn't have been hitting if I honest to God was in no pain? He feels bad because he doesn't want to think that he caused me pain - inadvertently or otherwise. It's embarassing, unnerving, but most of all, I'm scared out of my mind....
On one of the many occasions that Mr. Man and I were really making use of the King size bed we shared, it was brought to my attention that I was bleeding afterwards.
Talk about killing a buzz. Here I am floating so high in the sky (some orgasms later) and then - CRASH - the thought of blood is enough to snap me back into the very real and present reality. I won't lie - this is my blog so no need for that. There was some very hot, passionate, sweaty, rough sexxx going on. It didn't bother me because each time he took it up a notch - I took it up a notch also. Two people who don't really have any stopping sense when it comes to that category really don't have any reason to be together. But should it happen - the world should watch out.
I couldn't understand how I was bleeding. I looked down at my va-jay-jay. I wasn't sore. Well at least not in that area. My muscles were sore like I just got done playing two games back to back of full court basketball but otherwise. But nothing below the belt. I didn't worry about it. At worst, Mr. Man went too deep, and eventually I would be okay.
That was on Friday. Today is Monday and I'm still spotting. On one hand - I'm cool as a cucumber. I don't feel like I'm in pain so what is there to worry about? My paranoia (and slight instinct) has prevented me from even wanting to have sex (I told Mr. Man at best, perhaps we should wait 7 to 10 days before doing anything) but the more and more I consider things...the worse I feel inside. One (or two, or three maximum) sessions of rough sex could maybe bother my insides and prevent me from having children one day. What if the bleeding is indicative of a worse problem - a problem I'm not even ready to deal with? Or...what if I'm overeacting? This IS after all the first time Mr. Man and I have ever even been together intimately everyday in a week's span - maybe the va-jay-jay is worn out. But everytime I think about something being wrong with my reproductive organs - my heart hurts and I start wanting to cry. I don't want anything in the world to prevent me from having kids.
I need to go to the doctor, but if I go now - my mom will be super suspicious. I can't wait to schedule an appointment, because with fucking HMO I'll have to go to my internist BEFORE going to the gynecologist. If something IS wrong - then I'd be waiting anywhere from 3 weeks to a month before seeing someone about it. The way I'm feeling now though - I know I'm going to the ER, I just have to try to wait it out until Wednesday. If this were a regular workday, I guess I would just go after work and not worry about my mom. Granted, I'd probably be in the ER til about 11AM or 12 midnight but I'm sure I could talk my way out of that. Also, I'm due in at work for overtime this week at 8AM instead of my regularly scheduled 11AM. At best, I think I will just leave early on Wednesday or Thursday. What other choices do I have? The longer this spotting (and it's not major - just enough to make me freak out! and who wouldn't freak out at the sight of blood when its not that time of the month?!)occurs, the crazier I feel inside.
If it's not one thing it's another. I have no moral to this sotry until I find out the root cause of the bleed. I want to blame someone - but I can only blame myself. I feel so retarded. How could I not tell he was hitting something inside that he shouldn't have been hitting if I honest to God was in no pain? He feels bad because he doesn't want to think that he caused me pain - inadvertently or otherwise. It's embarassing, unnerving, but most of all, I'm scared out of my mind....
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