A Decade Under The Influence

I haven't done something like this in a really long time. I haven't done a really introspective reflection of the year because I haven't desired to look in the past.

But a few moments ago it hit me like a ton of bricks that 2009 is signaling not only the end of a year, but the end of a decade. In 2000, I was just 15 years old. A 15 year old me. *chuckles*

A pony-tail and bang wearing, *NSync/Backstreet Boys/Spice Girls playing, Pokemon watching, not so secretly pining away for some random* dweeb (*okay he wasn't so random but even now, even in my diary it is tres embarrassing to admit I loved him then) , semi-confident, law-school bound version of me. In 2000, I didn't know much about anything, but I was armed with optimism. And that optimism carried me through...

2001 - 9/11, the collapse of the twin towers, a moment that changed me, physically, spiritually, and politically.
2002 - The year of my high school graduation, and the first night I spent away from home. I was woke all night. This was also the summer of the first party I went to unsupervised. Grreaat times. I learned that I hated being away from home. I never can sleep well.
2003 - The year of the freshman 15 (I enjoyed earning each pound), my first love, first kiss, first breakup, and first job.
2004 - My first college graduation, my first disappointment (not being able to afford college) and my first miracle (someone taking a chance on me and offering a grant to attend college). This was also the first time I fell in love hard- with my best friend. This was also the first time I was in a relationship with someone I was NOT in love with. Yeah, I was slowly inching towards my own little drama.
2005 - My first heartbreak occurred in the year my father had his first stroke. Roles switched in the house. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget how Chris was by my side on that day either. This year I prayed to God, that if he allowed me to get a job at the school, I would stay for 3 to 5 years, and lo and behold, my boss took a chance on me. I'll be entering my fifth year there in April.
2006 - I was grinding hard, and just learning to define who I was. I was in school working on my BA in Political Science full-time, working full-time. I was a one woman show.
2007- I had obtained my BA! My parents suprised me with the greatest party ever. What a lot of people don't know is in 2007 I had a dream that foretold what was to come. A black fog entered through my window. And in my dream I knew it was death. I screamed until I woke up only to find out that I was screaming in real life. Shortly thereafter, when I took my trip out of town to downstate Illinois, I was called back home. My father had fallen ill again. And it was stated that he would not make it. This transformed me. My optimism, that I entered the decade with, was at an all time low, and it was up to me to keep my family together.
2008- We moved. My family hustled on the bus, saved money, searched for apartments, and moved - without my father. Our lives still very much revolved around him, even though he was in a nursing home. After a brave, and long struggle, he faded away as greats do, despite our hopes and wishes. It was the worst of times.

However, on facebook there was a shining light. Some Black rapper kid talking about the state of Black people. He spoke of revolution. I never mustered up the courage to comment on his posts because they were THAT damn good. But he did inspire me to write my own. One day, I challenged him. And he challenged me back. We began to correspond and share our own passion and pain intertwined within the Black struggle. And love was born. It was the best of times.
2009- Another degree. Same job. Pops gone. Love hangover. Recession affected many people, and the term "staycation" entered my vocabulary.

2010- ???

In the next ten years, I can only hope to be married, with children, as well as a real public policy on urban education, specifically in elementary aged children, but given so many years I've worked at a college, I feel I'm qualified to speak to that too. Regardless of my hopes and dreams, I know that I can't get much done without strengthening my relationship with God, first and foremost. More importantly, my desire to contribute to the greater good is a noble goal. If I wrote down methods on how to reach my ultimate goals, its very well that I won't even stick to them. The only thing I can promise in 2010 is to continue to be the best me I can be.

Peace.

Still They Can't Focus On Them, They Be Talkin' Bout Me

So, Anna shared this with me via my facebook account, and its pretty much been the topic of discussion everywhere I've gone this weekend, so thanks! It's about unmarried Black women and attempts to tackle the question why are they unmarried. What ensues is an absolutely irresponsible story, that makes Black women look unwielding, high expectation, non-compromising divas & makes Black men look like an overly uneducated and jailed populace. Even more insulting, is comedian turned "relationship expert" Steve Harvey's suggestion (date an older man, perhaps a sugar daddy?). And last but not least, hey if you can't find the perfect Black man, fear not, because White is Right!

So, me being the little YouTuber I am...clicked the responses to see what the Web was buzzing about in regards to this clip from ABC and found this:



A clip even more disturbing and irresponsible than the first! Because now, Black women are the reason there are no Black men to marry because Black women sabotage them even in childhood.

The flaw in both videos is the failure to see the bigger picture. The fact is that the failure of successful unions for whatever reason is seriously detrimental to the subsequent families we should be trying to rear for the future that are capable of leading nations. We should be talking about cultural values and norms that are acceptable now which should not be (and they actually affect all races, not just Black people). To view the oppressor solely in terms of race is so antiquated, it's embarassing to even make the claim with a straight face as that reasoning just doesn't hold 100% true. Things are just not that simple.

In regards to nation-building, it does start within the home, it does begin with union, it does begin with reintegrating basic fundamentals into daily life...we (as a people)have gotten so far away from family, and community, that it is hard to even consider these fundamentals as "basic". Which is why when I preach revolution, I'm not speaking solely from the armed front of it all. (One says revolution, and for some reason, images of anarchy abound, and to set that record straight, anarchy and revolution are NOT equivalent terms) I mean a balanced revolution to destroy the institutions that are self serving (such as the media, ahem, ABC, NBC, etc. etc.) and to erect only those institutions that contribute to the greater good and the cause of educating people responsibly.

I really felt the need to address this, because, as one can see, there is plenty of foolishness out there. And it shows how easy it is to get distracted, as well as divided over what the real issues are. This world, is going nowhere fast. Yet, I feel responsible in contributing my talents to making things better.

Peace.

Love Is My Religion

I gotta say, having my old laptop (and all my music) has provided me with a happiness that I can't describe. You would think that since Mr. Man makes music he would understand why I love music and crave it the way that I do. I can do without movies and television as long as I have music.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. It is my yearly physical. I am not looking forward to it in the least. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing my doctor. She is a short, round, younger Asian lady. She's a sweetie. I tell her what's been going on in my life with relative openness and honesty. She gives me the lowdown without being judgemental or anything. I appreciate that so much. Nevertheless, I have been prepping for this appointment like a date. LOL. Yes I am one of those people. Best undies & shave-o-rama. No way will my body parts or underwear selection be the lunch topic of the day. And for those of you who don't think that really happens, it does. We do it at my job and we just work at a school.

My semi-New Year's plans that I had have faded away into nothingness, lol. I don't really celebrate per se, but I did want to invite a few friends over. Nothing too big. But the more and more I thought about it, the more I thought about how I couldn't do too much. Perhaps next year, when I live in my own dwelling I will be more open to it, but this year there would be too much to consider, in regards to sleep arrangements, activities, etc. My maternal side was showing a little TOO much (as it usually does) so I just tucked it away. :) I can't have anything on my conscience weighing me down.

Yesterday Mr. Man came and picked me up. I don't know why, but I was really excited to see him. I took an extra long time in the shower, put on make-up, and all of that preparation you do for someone you care about looking good in front of. I was looking pretty pretty in a casual kind of way. I felt good, too. We drove around, talking, and joking. Picked up his mom and sister. I noticed that we picked his mom up from the Brown Line. I made a mental note to be careful about what I talk about in public because for some reason, he has family EVERYWHERE, lol. We got settled in and saw Taken (which was GREAT, by the way). Eventually, his nephews came home, and my heart leapt at seeing those little rugrats. Yes, they are overactive, fight, and whine. But in my presence, they vie for my attention and they know the best way to get it is to BEHAVE. It's really cute. I really have a soft spot for those monsters, lol. We were sitting there watching Michael Jackson doing the moves from the Thriller video. I imagine if anyone saw us from outside they would think we were having epileptic seizures. But we were having fun. But then Matthew,the 4 year old, was telling me how the end of the video scared him. I was holding him and explaining how the men were just in costume and makeup, and that they weren't real. I wondered how is it I was in a house full of grownups and everyone disappeared leaving me with the kids, lol. Michael, the 9 year old, kept saying that Matthew was going to crap his pants. Matthew called Michael gay. Oh Black Jesus, why did he say that?! I told him to apologize, but Michael had already bound the stairs to tell, which made me mad. Then Matthew started crying because he knew he was gonna get in trouble. I was sitting on the couch with my mouth open like, how did this happen?!

Of course, there was yelling. Michael came back downstairs upset, and mumbling. I told him to not say things like that about his little brother. I got them to apologize to each other. But by the time I had the boys calmed down, their mother and grandmother were arguing about disciplining them. *rolls eyes* Hard to explain to little people how to behave when grown ups don't have the shit together for themselves. Anyway before I left, they gave me big hugs. Mr. Man came back in the house and was saying "Hey, y'all don't hug me!" LOL. It dawned on me how much I love those little kids.

When we got back to my place, me and Mr. Man had some things to discuss. I will share with you next entry, lol, I'm still thinking and haven't had a chance to make sense of much yet. But we reached a few conclusions. I was laying on my elbow talking to him with my eyes closed and he was looking at me. He was asking about my monthly visitor. Still hasn't visited. He was bragging about the fact that he knocked my cycle off course when we were on vacation. I rolled my eyes and replied that it wasn't ALL OF THAT. I peeked out of my eye to see if he was watching my facial expression as I said that. He said "Look at you can't even say it with a straight face." It's true, I was dying to bust out laughing. We never have problems in the bedroom. We generally don't have problems anyway, but we certainly never have problems there. We started talking about when we do have children. He said five years. I reminded him that just because he has a child and is keen on waiting doesn't mean I am. I expect to be having a child between 28 and 29. Not 30 or 32. He wants to be in the delivery room. I don't want him nowhere near the room. We settled on him being in the room but above the blanket, lol. I told him there is nothing he needs to see down there during childbirth. Eventually he agreed.

Why were we talking about that?! I don't know, lol. I still don't. But it's funny because we both have strong views about how stuff should go, until we talk about it and it always ends up being a compromise, lol. Children are absolutely not on the agenda no time soon, but still, when we discuss these things, its important to win the argument and set the basic premise, lol. From there its all about bragging rights baby. Oh yeah.

Holy crap. Two more days in 2009!

Peace...

Love Is A Shoulder To Lean On, Love Is You

For the Love of Ray J:2 is on VH1.

My life, my life, my life...hmmm...it's 2:00AM and I'm watching these girls be all heartbroken at not being chosen by freaking Brandy's brother. I mean that's his claim to fame - being Brandy's brother.

Although...when I was 13, Ray J. was a hottie! And yes, I'm ashamed to admit it, but you know I like to keep things as real as possible. I didn't know back then his claim to fame would end up being Brandy's brother and effing with Kim Kardashian (who profited way more from that situation than him, btw!)

But where was I? Ah, it's 2:00AM and I can't sleep.


Today was a very chill day. The past few days have been chill actually. After having a minor breakdown on 12/23, life seems to look a lot better. Breakdown? Yeah, in the midst of falling ice and rain I stared hard at my phone pondering who to call as the tears were falling, falling, falling, down my face. They had been filling up for days. I had been dangerously self-destructive in just about any relationship I found meaningful - PURPOSEFULLY I might add. To the point where Mr. Man blatantly said he was not familiar with the person he was dealing with - in fact, he was confused. And as much as that hurt to hear - I didn't really modify my behavior, until the conversation went in another direction entirely. This was 7 days ago.

You see, I could kind of rationalize about Lisa "Left-Eye" burning a dude's crib down because he didn't get her some sneakers. Because I was really seriously having the fits over not going to see The Princess & The Frog. And had I completely cracked up, her-story would have painted me as crazily as it painted Left-Eye. Her-story would not have dug deeper to reveal the thoughts swirling in my sub-conscious as I was just trying to make sense of the fact (and verbalize) that I didn't feel like Mr. Man was holding up his end of the bargain. And it caused me to act out. Talk back. Or go silent. Glare. Pout. Whine. Anything to avoid bearing all of those bloddy emo-emotions. Not me, no how, nuh uh.

Digging deeper, past that, I missed my dad. And I don't like to talk about it. People ask, and I say I'm good, I'm fine, but how the fuck could I be? He's gone, and he's just gone.

Add that to a late cycle (wouldn't this just be a marvelous time to find out I was carrying a human inside of me?) God can be mighty non-humorous in that kind of way. I mean right when I'd lined all my duckies in a row: looking for a new (better paying) job, moving out, going to school, getting rid of my debt - now I have to wonder "Where oh where has dear Aunt Flo gone?" :/

Ball of confusion, is what I was, and I didn't reach a tipping point until 12/23. I just remember being emotionally at my lowest. Bawling my eyes out on the bus. And not just crying, but, the kind of crying when you actually can't breathe because the tears are just coming through that strongly? Yep, that was me. I remember feeling lonely - wayy lonely, and good for not much of anything, at least not in an emotionally unstable that I was in. I got home, and of course, though I tried; I couldn't hide my tear stained face from Mama. I ate some soup, got my hug, and laid in the bed watching Everybody Hates Chris. Finally, Mr. Man called me. He had been working 12 hour days at work, and asked how my day was. I told him the truth. There was silence on the other end of the line, before he asked "What would you like me to do? Do you need anything?" At that moment, I realized that I loved this man even if he was always late, super cheap, and sometimes totally incapable of understanding that I want to feel tended to from time to time by him. He's a good man. He believes in God. Tries to get to church every week. He's nice to his Mama. And he wants to save the world as badly as I do. That is the bottom line saving grace of our union; our commitment to something way larger than ourselves. The fact that he would dart over to my house (sans car) after a 12 hour shift at work to spend even an hour with me, to turn around, get home by midnight, get 3 hours of sleep, and go back to work for another 12 hour shift snapped me out of it. That, a long talk with God, and sleep.

The few days since then have been progressively better. Life looks better when you're on a 10 day paid vacation from work. As well, it's better to just come to some base decisions...and as an old friend of mine says "Every now and again its good to take a calculated risk." Again, I'm hardly one for resolutions, but I'm not playing around in 2010. I'ma be trying to Barack Obama my way into 2010 - just give me three months to set the course of my domestic policy, dig?

Today, I experienced something truly wonderful. Mr. Man - with renewed attentiveness to EVERYTHING I ask for, or even seemingly think - was leaving. Hesitant to do so- and ever so apologetic, he explained the activities of the evening.He had a hot date to get to on the other side of town with a very demanding woman. His 4 year old daughter is one tough cookie. And I had heard her voice only twice before, once when Mr. Man allowed her to call me and say hello, and another time very randomly. Today Mr. Man put the phone on speakerphone while she was speaking and my heart melted. Literally, as if I wasn't already feeling, well, positively positive, that took the cake. She was excitedly jabbering about a surprise she had for him, which she let him know was cake, lol. He told her he had surprise to, as she guessed at it: "The Princess & The Frog?" I chuckled to hear that I wasn't the only one who was giving him shit about the movie, lol (even though we did see it!) as he tried to explain it wasn't on DVD so he couldn't bring it to her (at least a legit version :P) I was so delighted to hear her voice. Mr. Man could tell.

Hearing her reminded me that the things we do, really do have very real effects in the here and now. Our efforts matter. The daily struggle is necessary. We make small sacrifices now to perhaps have a better life in the future, and even if WE don't our children will. So we work the overtime, get the degrees, and pay our dues however The Powers That Be deem appropriate.

I don't know what is seeming to be special about 2010. It could be another year - same old thing. But maybe it's my oath, promise, that I'm making to myself (I'm actually buying MYSELF a promise ring) that I'm going to do whatever it takes to be wherever I need to be.

Peace...

A Regular Modern Day Shakespeare

Call them early new year's resolutions or what not, but I really do feel like I am close to figuring out some things about my so-called life.

For the most part I feel really positive. And that means something considering the past few days I have felt crappy about just about everything.

Things are looking up though.

I had a phone interview with a small private institution downtown yesterday. That made me feel a little better about myself. I am grateful for my job, but having a phone interview with someone whose actually seen my resume, doesn't know me (or my mother, lol) and actually expressed real interest in me felt good.
I've done a lot to build up my resume. I do take pride in my career because education is my passion. I spoke to the HR director at this school. The conversation was brief, she asked about my experiences. I let her know that a few of her colleagues actually now work where I do. She seemed excited at that fact. She let me know that if the select me to interview for the position of Registrar, I would interview with the Vice President of Academic Affairs, two Associate Deans, and the director of HR. As far as salary, I told them I expected no less than upper 40's, even though I am sure my father would have pushed me to go for the flat 50K. LOL. My dad had great faith in his children.

I miss him terribly. It doesn't necessarily get easier, just something you decide is more bearable some days than others.

I'm looking to do things that make me feel positive. I hate to say it like that, but the truth is, I like to volunteer because it makes my soul feel good.

This may be a passing joy, but today I feel good. :)

It Was Just My Imagination...Running Away With Me

I'm watching Real Chance of Love 2.

Major life fail, lol.

Anyway, I wanted to post this poem I really fell in love with a few days ago by Nikki Giovanni. I pretty much effing love her.

"choices" by nikki giovanni

if i can't do

what i want to do

then my job is to not

do what i don't want

to do

it's not the same thing

but it's the best i can

do

if i can't have

what i want . . . then

my job is to want

what i've got

and be satisfied

that at least there

is something more to want

since i can't go

where i need

to go . . . then i must . . . go

where the signs point

through always understanding

parallel movement

isn't lateral

when i can't express

what i really feel

i practice feeling

what i can express

and none of it is equal

i know

but that's why mankind

alone among the animals

learns to cry

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

This may be the rare occasion, that I post twice in one day.

I'm so thrown right now I could spit.

But that's severely unladylike.

First of all, my medication for my heartburn - has been gone for 3 weeks. I haven't felt it 'til today. Well, actually since Saturday, but it seems the worst today. I felt good in the shower..otherwise I've felt pretty darn icky. I've told myself that I will call the pharmacy and try to hustle my way into a third refill. But I don't want to do that. Be dependent on a drug to feel better.

When all I really probably need to do is SCREAM OUT LOUD!

Occasionally, my heartburn is brought on by stress. Alright, most times it is brought on by stress. But normally I could pin that stress on my mom and keep it moving. But not today.

Me & Mr. Man haven't been seeing eye to eye on our future lately. I'm aggravated that our time together is so short, and I'm not convinced it's quality time. This weekend we went to church together, and then he went home. I opted out of going to his side of town, because I have silently promised that I'm not going back to his place until he cleans up. The other thing is, there's nothing to do once I get there. He has no cable and his internet is off right now. His roommate moved out only for his uncle to seemingly move in. Again, I silently resolved that I would cut my time severely because I don't want to be there when other people are. I've always had problems with that. I can't even have sex the way I want to have sex if I know his uncle is there.

Long story short, I didn't go with him to his house.

The other thing is, I ride the bus all week. His car isn't working. The last thing I want to worry about is how I'm getting home. So yeah, my room is warm, clean, well equipped for my entertainment purposes..uh yeah I'm staying right where I am comfortable.

Plus - my black ass was tired. Do you know that negreaux had the nerve to ask me what have I done for the "movement" lately?

Wha-?

I can't even begin to think about the movement - because the movement isn't in my immediate (tomorrow) future. So no, I'm sorry. I can't think about the movement, because I'm thinking about your non-chalant attitude in registering for school. I'm worried about Iggy and this situation concerning your daughter. There's not enough money between us. You need help making rent as it is. I'm worried that I have no damn business being so worried about this stuff that doesn't directly concern me but yet you walk around stress-fucking-free.

I think, and I think, and I think about he, and I, and us so often. I'm the one continually molding my future to make sure he is included. But lately I feel like I'm the ONLY one accommodating and changing and remaining flexible. Like I'm the only one going without to make sure I can actually move next year.

And I'm tired.

And he had the nerve to talk about moving a wedding up.

Now you know on top of rolling my eyes my eyebrow stood up too straight.

Now while he's talking about moving a wedding up, I didn't hear him talk about a ceremony. And how planning for that would need to start like now. :/

I'm
not
changing
the
date.

We NEED the year.

And speaking of dates..on top of all of this bullshit I have been feeling lately, I thought, at least we could look forward to seeing The Princess and The Frog together. Say what you like about it, but I make it my business to see a Disney cartoon movie, and I always will. They make me feel good inside. And when I found out there would be a Black princess, I was so happy and anticipating this movie for two years. I haven't had a lot of extra money lately, but I had a free ticket to AMC theaters, and I was going to fix a box lunch so we could still munch on food.

But most importantly I was going to have a date with my honey. We haven't been on a date in forever and then some. We go out, but nothing like "let me come scoop you up and do the dinner and a movie thing." So I was excited.

Somehow, the Sunday I had been looking forward to turned into a day of fuckery.

I woke up and my stomach was hurting. Due to my stress and heartburn. But then it's noon. No call from Mr. Man. So I call him. He tells me that we'll go to the movie theater by my house. Cool. I thought I heard him say his mom and sister would be joining us, but that didn't register with me, until he came to pick me up. I was not ready. The last thing I knew when we spoke was that he would be at my house in a few hours. So of course he shows up, I'm not ready. And now I'm cranky.

Then we have to all squish into his uncle's cardeathtrap, lemon, jalopy, etc.

Close quarters+5 Black people = not a good setup.

His mom & sister don't really like each other. So they were arguing and rolling their eyes. I like them all about the same but because I'm really ticked that my date isn't going as planned they are all irritating the shit out of me. But I trudge along, afterall, at least we are together.

Then we get to the theater. We buy tickets - I'm beginning to get into it after inhaling the popcorn smell and seeing Princess Tiana's smiling face. And he purchases tickets for Ninja Assasins. Fucking. Ninja. Assassins.

Seriously?!

#*(&)(!?*!!)(*!@<>@*!

At this point, I'm really really mad beyond comprehension and wanted to walk out. Matter of fact, I did walk out because in the first scene someone's head is sliced clean off. I thought I would puke. My stomach was already percolating and hot from heartburn.

Anyway, I sat through this movie. The upside, was that this Korean actor also known as Rain was FINE and I engaged in naughty,naughty thoughts of those abs. I mean shorty is a 10. :)

And that wrapped my weekend. I need to find some other hobbies to get into or something because right now I feel too close to everything going on. Feeling too stressed and not enjoying much of anything. I spend my days wishing they were over just to get to the weekend, for peace, and Mr. Man. But I don't want to do that anymore. It's getting old. If he wants to get up with me he's going to have to do what everyone else does: make an effort.

He equates making an effort with spending money. And I don't. There are thousands of things we could do together that don't involve money. This concept seems abstract to him.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm with a a-hole. Because I'm not. I love him dearly. I'm just a little fed up and wanting to feel some affection outside of the physical.

That is all.

Peace...

It's A Family Affair

I can't put my finger on it, but this Sly & The Family Stone is what I'm on right now.

The 70's.
Big hair.
Bold colors.
Big ideas.

But most importantly...Real music.

Sly & The Family Stone get me so inspired I can't even properly put it into words.



Back then, music didn't have to be 4 or 5 minutes long, or even have an accompanying video to express a point.

I hate to say it, but most of the music nowadays doesn't inspire me to do anything but turn the radio off.

But, thank Black Jesus for YouTube and Itunes. At least I can download what I like to hear.

Speaking of Black Jesus, I went to church today.

Yes, I know it's Saturday, but I keep the Sabbath. And for me, the Sabbath is on the last day of the week, which is Saturday, not Sunday.

I posted my anti-Christmas message on FB the other day. I feel really awkward when people wish me a Merry Christmas and I mumble a half-hearted "thank you." I don't know if I should just politely say "Oh, I don't celebrate Christmas." I've tried doing that before.

But then I get blank stares followed by "Ohhhh - are you atheist?"

Um, no. I'm not an atheist.

But for those who DO celebrate Christmas (and can't imagine why anyone else wouldn't want to), I simply ask them to show me in scripture where Jesus asks to be remembered in that way. End. of. conversation. People can't show it to me because it's nowhere in scripture. If anything, in Jeremiah 10, Jesus purposely advises what not to do. Even the most basic history book will say that Christmas is a pagan celebration. Well the most basic history book, or Huey from the Boondocks:



Heck, maybe I'll just show everyone who asks this YouTube.

Peace...

What We Talkin' Bout?

"We on life support
Can you hear it beeping?
This love that we have
Is slowly creeping..."

It's not the greatest piece ever written, but that would have to be the first bout of poetry I've had in years. I know it's only four lines, and it may never evolve into a full blown piece. But it means something to me at 5:45AM on this wintry morning. Among firsts this morning, this is the first day I've written three days in a row in a long time.

I realized I made a big guffaw a few days ago. I applied for an advisor position at Anonymous University in Chicago. I looked at the cover letter as I was applying for the position of Registrar at another Anonymous University, when I realized that my cover letter was good. Great even. It just wasn't tailored for the specific job posting. It was in some places, but overall it wasn't. Naturally I caught it and said:

F*&%)($*!

I'm a little bothered by the fact that my career services advisor from my graduate school gave me an "A-OK" on the cover letter! Granted, she didn't see the full job description so to her, it may have looked good, even great, but I caught it.

Le sigh. Rookie mistake.

I guess that's God's way of telling me to slow it down some.

Don't get me wrong. I love my actual job. Salary is decent. It could ABSOLUTELY be more (way more) for what I'm doing, but I've always reasoned that I trade off for salary for relative flexibility and freedom (at least under my immediate supervisor) His boss is a total and complete douchebag dickhead.

Yes, he's a chocolate Milk-Dud douchebag dickhead lookin' boy. 'Member that song? "Lookin' Boy?" Idk if it was just a midwestern thang or not so I'll post it. Take that into the 2010 if you like.



But uh, the real reason I'm looking to move up or move on, is because I really DO believe I do way more that I should get paid for (which I will not get compensated for) the way our contract is written. Our contract (I'm in a union) is soon to be up for negotiations. I'm not looking forward to it, because our union leaders are way more likely to sell us out than anything. I keep saying I hope to be long gone by then.

Besides money, it's hard for me to complete school for my teaching certification taking one class at a time. :/ The longer it takes for me to graduate, the farther away I feel I am from pursuing my real dream. I don't want to make it seem like I'm not happy to be working at a time where most aren't - I am.

But I'm not happy to not be as active in pursuing my dream as I could be. For now, I must contribute my talents to completing this degree, and possibly supplementing my work with meaningful volunteer opportunities so I don't get out of practice. We shall see...

And now for a random ass rant:

Why do they call the boyfriend sweater a boyfriend sweater? My boyfriend don't wear sweaters, let alone open cardigans. My boyfriend's sweater is a university sweatshirt he can't fit so he lets me wear it. The funny thing is his school sweater doesn't fit him but it fits meeeeee, lol.

Speaking of boyfriends, I feel so- soooo lately. I know that it's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along - hey wait that's a Maroon 5 song!!

But stillllll - well I never feel like I'm unloved. I won't and can't even say that. Sometimes though, I just feel like a little romance wouldn't kill me. He is romantic on occasion. In his own way. But lately I just feel like, he feels like he doesn't have to continually put work in.

Like I'm the part of his life that's just there. Like I'm a low maintenance plant. Like I'm a cactus!

Sure, you can LOVE the plant, but a cactus requires little of anything to survive in its own little happy environment. I feel like a cactus. Granted I love him something fierce, and will always go out of my way to show it. But I don't feel the same thing coming from him. I haven't been pressing him on it because it's been one thing after another (car, child support, rent- well at least one thing after another to him). We're beat, exhausted, and poor. The whole world seems to be coming down on us awfully hard sometimes, and it becomes more and more apparent that in this thang - this love thang, we all we got. I just wish things were more reciprocated. Lately it seems like even though he has a phone now when we talk the conversation tapers off before I can say much of anything because he's tired. So what am I going to tell him? "Hey fool, stay on the phone long enough so YOU can hear about MY day?" Nooo! But I am saying it wouldn't be too bad for him to delay sleep long enough for me to talk about it without feeling bad about keeping him up longer :/

Le sigh. Le love. Can't live without it...

Peace...

Bills, Bills, Bills

I've been thinking so much about being financially set before the end of the year that it dawned on me that one of my brothers has been unemployed at least one full year, and my other brother has been unemployed for about half a year.

Both have Bachelor's degrees.

So, as their sister, I look at them proudly. Two Black men that have their B.A. degrees, have never had problems with the law, and are childless.

But yet they are unemployed.

How do you address something like that? From their perspective, they must be looking at my parents sideways. What happens when you follow the straight and narrow and still come up short in this world?

I don't ever really know what to say to them. It's a slippery slope that is often frustrating. I do understand sometimes when they get frustrated with me, because on one level I can't relate.

I've never been unemployed. Ever.

But on the other hand, I understand that they need to be working, because right now, there is a financial strain in this household with them not working. It's kind of rough. I'm personally, at my wit's end, but I trudge forward and send them jobs that I deem appropriate for them. They've even been rejected from Mickey D's, Wally-Mart. (Although, my theory is, Mickey D's and Wally-Mart are not necessarily seeking those with an education to work there.)

Sigh.

In other news, Mr. Man is attempting to go at the system. His check is being chopped up in about 50gazillion ways (okay, really only two) and he has (finally!) decided that enough is enough. Lord knows he is an intelligent man, but I often wonder what takes him so long to reach the most logical of conclusions. The latest involves a matter regarding medical support that is being taken out of his paycheck. He makes a decent bi-weekly check without child support being taken out, but even then, his check is still bearable. With this latest medical support coming out, he's been struggling. His struggle equals my struggle because of course I help as I can. But given what I already described above in regards to my own financial situation, I don't have much help to give. His roommate moved out, and he is getting by on the bare minimums. Literally. I'm talking noodles in cup minimum. So, he expressed this to his daughter's mother. She in turn takes the high road and says "I will tell the state that our daughter is getting medical insurance." Allegedly, she faxed some sort of paperwork in to "the state." However, when Mr. Man inquired further, it was as if she couldn't be bothered to answer his questions - rant rant rant, hang up and they aren't talking anymore. :/ So, the question is, what did she fax (exactly) and who did she fax it to?

Finding information online, is horrendous. If Mr. Man were a deadbeat dad and a dog, there is plenty of information available - "Girl's Guide How To Get His Ass". And don't get me wrong, tons of men out there deserve to be got. He ain't one of them. To be labeled as the (gasp) non-custodial parent is a dirty dirty word. I know plenty of men who are trying to do the right thing in regards to their kids, but once the state gets involved I could see how they become disinterested. You do your best to make sure the child doesn't get harmed but it's inevitable, particularly when the state isn't trying to help you, or the other party involved isn't trying to help you. I wish (and maybe one day) may even be called to gather and create resources for the non-custodial parent. Because this ish right here is a trip that I didn't get the proper luggage for.

In the meantime, what we can do on our own we will. We've acquired the proper paperwork required to enforce visitation (praise Black Jesus!) and basically end the reign of terror that has been the last four years of this child's life in regards to the constant tug of war.

Question: Why does it always seem to be a battle of some sort going on?

Peace...

Never Knew I Needed

I've got to admit that I am simply excited to see The Frog Princess (I hope I typed that right. Idk why I want to keep naming it The Princess & The Frog story. I love Ne-Yo's song for this movie.

Granted, it doesn't seem to match the rest of the movie, but I still love this song. I've mentally placed it on the "Wedding" playlist. I know, it's a year away, but still, a girl's gotta plan.

And planning is what I've been doing. I'm proud to announce that I'm registered for my next quarter of classes that start in January. I really can't afford any less than an A. I'll be taking the Philosophy of Education. I tend to do well in Philosophy courses, so I hope the same will hold true for this course. I'm just one of those people who always do well in school. I will most likely always be enrolled in some kind of course because school centers me. The more things on my plate to be tackled translates into me being more focused. I'm a strange bird. I know!

Like a multi-million dollar corporation, it's important for my financial books to balance out at the close of this year. I have been humping lately with my bills. Honestly, the lil' Willowbrook excursion was something I had been saving for, but such a huge chunk of money non-dedicated to bills messed with me mentally. I don't consider myself to be uber-cheap, but I will say in the past few years of my adulthood I've tried to become more fiscally conscious. Perhaps it's a psychological way of preparing myself for full, unadulterated independence. Idk. Save for the occasional splurge on myself in the form of a new outfit or getting my hair done, I'd say I'm thrifty. My laptop? Bought it from QVC thanks to Flex-Pay. I used to be kind of embarrassed to admit to shopping from QVC, but not anymore. Listen: I'm not trying to keep up with the Joneses. I'm just trying to live my life the best way I know. And if I buy something I need and pay it off in 5 installments, so what, lol.

I've not been aggressive at all with it, but, I am starting to apply for new jobs. I'm trying to get myself in the mental state that I'm not going to be at my job forever. It's hard to believe I have been there for seven years. It hasn't been bad to me. Just now the one thing that is being compromised is my ability to complete my grad program in a timely manner. Right now I can only afford to take one class at a time because of the time I take off from work, since I work until 7PM and the bulk of my classes are at 5:30PM or 6:00PM. So, I'm putting myself out there realizing that besides a higher salary - I really just need to work a regular schedule. We shall see though. I am certainly grateful to have a good ass job considering. No job doesn't have it's stupid shit to put up with, but for the most part I try to remind myself it's just 8 hours and I won't be there forever.

I lost my glasses last week and had to go to America's Best to get some more. Well I didn't HAVE to go to America's Best. But they were the only place I knew I could get in on Saturday, and possibly have 2 pairs of glasses before the next week. Of course, I bought two pairs of glasses. The 2 for $69 is just the cost of frames. Uh duh. With lenses, and coating and what not, it can be close to $200. I politely told the salesman I didn't need all that bullshit, I just want to be able to see. At best, I may go back to get anti-reflective coating. I ended up spending $156.00 which is somewhat reimbursable by my vision plan. In the minute though it really hurt my wallet and heart. I should be getting my frames this weekend. I've said that perhaps it would just be best to keep one pair of glasses at work, and my other glasses at home. When I get some extra money I'm going to go to Four Eyes and get some prescription sunglasses. :) That should have me set for the next three, four years. I got my last glasses when my friends had their wedding shower, so its been about three years. Spread out over time, the investment is worth it.

Some days I feel really good about where I am in life. Some days not so much. I realized it's December and I'm still carless. Largely, because I'm still taking my sweet time in getting my permit. I have my Rules of the Road, and I have my Driver's Ed disc that Mr. Man bought me, but still, I've somehow procrastinated in getting it done. If it's going to get done I have to get it done this holiday break. I will just be disappointed if I can't put that feather in my cap for this year's accomplishments.

Peace...

Come Follow Me

I've got followers.

Excellent, lol.

I just noticed it this morning like oh my.

I just got out of the hot tub.



I know they are supposed be tres romantic and all, but I don't get all of that from it. It's a tub of hot water, and truthfully, the jets get me overexcited. Its like getting a way intense massage, so it really gets my heart rate up. I did like sitting in the water though. For some reason, I haven't done much of anything but I'm sore as heck. It must be the fact that I am simply not sleeping in my own bed. Don't get me wrong, this is a very comfy king size bed. But still, it ain't home, lol.

This room is beautiful. This web entry comes to you courtesy of some anonymous guys Wi-Fi since the resort's Wi-Fi crapped out on us. Oh well-o.

Our vacation draws to a close. I feel so good getting away from it all. Feel good that Mr. Man was able to accompany me on this journey, and feel we have obtained a great deal of clarity on he, I, & us.

I had more to say but heck it's late and I'm old and he's snoring, lol.

Deuces!

Untitled: Part I

So I guess this will be a series of rants, ponderings, and other things.

I'm in Willowbrook, IL. Didn't quite make it to Lake Geneva. Next time I guess. I'm with Mr. Man. He is sick. Insert sad face here.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I hate the holidays for the most part. My faith says we aren't supposed to keep the holidays anyway (long discussion about the Lord's Holy Days which don't include Easter, Thanksgiving, or Christmas, but instead Passover, Day of Atonement, etc.) But I hate them because they are a super big reminder that my dad isn't here anymore.

Speaking of which his one year anniversary was just a few weeks ago. It seems crazy to me to call the day he passed an anniversary, but at the base of the word anniversary (annual) it is what it is. I miss him. I have yet to seen his actual grave. For those not in the know, cemeteries up here are straight janky. He's (allegedly) buried in one of the two cemeteries up for investigation for moving folk's remains to make rooms for new remains of course without notifying the families. :/ Yeah, janky, like I said.

So, while I am pretty certain he is where he should be, one can never be absolutely sure. Which is heartbreaking. I've just about told myself that isn't really him anyway. At least not how I remember him. And if I take that to be true, why go to a cemetery?

This is going to be random, just remember I warned you all.

I had a wonderful breakfast with my friends from high school yesterday. It is always so fun to get up and see how we've changed, stayed the same, and see what our futures bring.

Mr. Man took some pictures of he and I before the rest of my friends got there. I saw a really cute one of he and I being quite affectionate. I posted it as my fb profile pic. Idk about the rest of you, but when I post a picture, and someone posts a comment, it is automatically sent to my email address. Well, no sooner than I posted the picture, my brother had posted a comment that said "SIMP". When I clicked on the link leading back to my picture, it had been deleted. Now mind you, I haven't been home in at least 24 hours since I'm out of town. I called home and asked if he had something to say to my face. He gave me some bullshit about how he "hates" profile pictures of people with their s.o. on fb. He claims its weak and they normally break up shortly after. I don't know what bothered me more; the fact that my brother thinks that I'm simping, the fact that he had the nuts to put it on fb, or the fact that he would disrespect me like that. I guess my mom found out and told him to delete the comment. I guess my whole thing is - who fucking cares? Last time I checked I was too damn grown. I'm not going to lie, the shit fucked up the rest of my day for no real reason. I'm just sick of feeling like I owe somebody an explanation. It's like, if you have something constructive to say than say it but otherwise, get a damn life.

Done venting I guess. I wish Mr. Man wasn't sick. It's far too early for me to be in bed and the fact that he thinks he's sick is not making me want to crawl into bed anytime soon at least without Lysoling a nig. I'm just saying.

Deuce.

What's It Feel Like To Be A Ghost?

That's how I feel when I log on to write.

I want to write. So many things I need to put into perspective, but I have some sort of block up that prevents me from just sitting down and doing it. So once again I will just start with what's primarily on my mind.

Mr. Man's nephew has a facebook account. I don't know why that bothered me. Maybe because he's a baby. (Well he's 9. And is beginning to be conscious of himself.) <--Which all the more reminds me of how much of a baby he exactly is. Of course Mr. Man just found out yesterday. Ironically enough, Mr. Man is not on facebook as much as when we started talking. It's just funny how for months that was our lifeline -completely vital in the early stages of our relationship, but now it's just one of those "remember when" memories of the early days. Anywho, his newphew is on facebook. First of all, they aren't friends, but second of all, it is super duper interesting who his nephew is friends with - Iggy's sister.

Say what now? Now, naturally I wonder why his nephew would have Iggy's sister as his friend. It did bother me a little bit. Why? My overactive imagination stepped on the scene. I easily saw Iggy logged in to her sister's account, perving Mr. Man's nephew's account, and eventually finding her way to Mr. Man's page that is somewhat a showpiece of our relationship. Very recently we decided it was cool to put pictures up of one another. At first we were extremely private and conscious of nosies, but at this point in the game it just doesn't matter anymore. For better or for worse we're together. I know, my overactive imagination could be wrong, but what more can I think of a person who has already hacked an email account and found out that I existed in that method? The fact that she probably sat and read every email we ever wrote in those days looking for something deliciously incriminating or something to accuse someone of. Le sigh.

But, I let my good sense overrule, and for the most part I am more concerned with the fact that a 9 year old baby is on facebook. My mama sense is going crazy. I want to tell, shit, I want my boyfriend to tell his sister. And I wonder if he will.

I've been wondering alot about me, he, and us. We're supposed to be going away the day after Thanksgiving. To Lake Geneva, I think. I look forward to dipping off and doing the romantic thang.Naturally my mother opposes but, what more can I do?

What bothers me most about my mother is that she thinks that I'm just walking around in this love cloud. I'm not. I know realistically there's no way I'm marching down anybody's aisle until I'm absolutely satisfied with this whole baby mama situation (at the very least). And it IS a situation. And although it's being handled it's not handled up to my level of handledness. (Nope,not a word. So!) He expects us to wed in March. That is absolutely not going to happen for a myriad of reasons. His house is not in order. I know this because my house is not in order. If I have it together more then most, and I can admit that all of my ducks aren't quite lined up, than I can certainly spot when someone (the man that I love) else's ducks aren't in a row. I'm walking into a situation where I become an instant step mom and I can't change that. But I can certainly make sure I'm prepared. And keep subtly dropping hints to let him know that 2010 is not looking good for me on this marriage thing, at least not the first 6 months. :/

I have much more to tell but this is it for now. Not getting everything out encourages me to return tomorrow or sometime this week.

Baby Love, My Baby Love

So much for my excitement about starting my observation today. My teacher I'm supposed to observe has laryngitis. Le sigh.

Tomorrow is the day of atonement. The point of the day of atonement is to spend the day considering how Christ is the ultimate atonement for our sins. It is a high and holy Sabbath meaning not only is there no buying, selling, cooking (basically polluting the Sabbath) there is no eating or drinking. I am supposed to afflict my soul. I remember last year I was so unprepared and miserable, but I am definitley getting all my food in starting with a nice fluffy pancake for breakfast. I will see what the day brings...this is a shame that I am planning my day by eating like a pig. Well not a pig - ever since my chest troubles I haven't eaten the way I used to. I suppose that's a gift and a curse. I have lost weight. Big gift. Hard to enjoy food when I can't eat what I want. Big curse.

I am tired and sore. And not from vigorous, mind-blowing sex. (Okay, maybe just a little, lol.) Yesterday Mr. Man and I started cleaning up his house. Did I really think that he would have ME clean his house (even though I sort of volunteered a couple hundred times?!) That backfired. My asking was supposed to guilt him into doing it - not into me actually ASSISTING with the effort. But, I started it, so I had to finish it. His house is exactly the way I would expect a single 31 male apartment to look. It is messy. BUT, there is a part of the mess that gets extremely gross. Which is the roommate's mess. Where THAT child goes mess follows. I had determined that early on when Mr. Man had gotten sick last spring and I did some spot cleaning in his kitchen. The coffeepot had mold. AND THERE WAS COFFEE IN IT! I didn't know LIQUID could develop mold?! WTF?! Mr. Man doesn't even DRINK coffee. We were getting into it yesterday though, in a good way. He went to the dollar store, got gloves (the kind that come up to your elbow) and we went to work. He was in the bathroom and I was in the kitchen. It wasn't THAT bad - just really grimey. I can't understand how someone could live that way - and after seeing Mr. Man scrub down that bathroom - it confirmed that the habits weren't his own. We were high off cleaning detergent and our accomplishments. Even though we didn't do much, lol. It was enough to us though. We were pretty pooped.

It's important to Mr. Man to get his house right. It signals a new start. His roommate has been moving out his stuff - slowly but surely. Seeing as how moving isn't in either of our forecast right now - the plan is to get things together where he's at. The biggest thing he is gearing up for is something that I don't know I'm totally ready for. Mr. Man and I.G. have been going back and forth on this custodial issue. Her complaints have varied over the past year and a half: not enough money, not enough time - to where the complaints are specifically directed towards me - so much so, that she outright told him that everything he was doing was for me and not his daughter. I had been quiet for a long time on the situation because I don't know her at all and I refrain from petty ass drama. I'm not stooping to her level for anything in the world. I did FIRMLY let Mr. Man know that I.G.'s reign of terror is slowly on its way to an end. Playing on the phone? Not in my kingdom. But besides the issue of utter disrespect - her blatant hateration is messing up the father/daughter relationship he and his daughter should be capitalizing on right now. Mr. Man has acknowledged that there is no reasoning with I.G. So, he's getting everything lined up to take it to the courts - these are things that I don't think people realize that when we're together - WE are the easy part - it's the OTHER things we deal with that make us struggle. But so far we've handled it all. And this is another part of that. I don't want to take this girl's mother's place. I truly don't. I just want her to be with her dad the way she should. I just know how important that is - especially since I lost my own dad in the past year. We're excited but focused - both of us are just too old to make any mistakes in this area to go back.

Legs Jerked, Overworked, Underpaid But Don't Be Afraid

So, I couldn't think of a good title so I used a recycled Ludacris lyric from What's Your Fantasy. Why? It's fully applicable to last night's round of grown folks activities.

What I learned last night is never to call Mr. Man an old ass man. I only ever say it in jest - I'm 25, he's 31, and it cracks ME up, lol. But, he was on a mission to prove his no old-manness. And it was duly noted.

Today I intend on going shopping for myself. I deserve it. My graduation is coming up and I want to look fly. :) Plus I have coupons. I hope I can go to Lady Foot Locker. Not likely though. Too many shoes, I only have 2 feet and I'll be there all day. With them I'm safer ordering online.

I'm keeping it as easy as possible today because tomorrow is my first day of observation. I will be observing 7th and 8th grade students (there are 13) at a Christian private school located in Chicago's loop. I look forward to it so much. It's crazy but I feel like being with children will give my life meaning. Lately there hasn't been a lot of that at all. Just go to work, work, work. Going to school is such a highlight and bright spot in my life - it just reaffirms that there are people in the world who are interested in making the world a better place.

Revolutionary Man by Jill Scott

I am grown now
A woman
Got my house
Got my car
Gotta cat too
Yeah!
But I needs me a man
Like air
Like wa ta
Yeah!
(I ain't trying to impress you)
I needs me a breakfast makin'
Conversationalist
Yeah!
I needs me a standing up
Accept no bullshit (cept mine) man
An honest, hair brushing
Public kissin, praying on his knees man
Respect full
Protect full
Full-grown man
Yeah!
Laughin' anda working,
Ain't afraid to be afraid man
Ain't afraid to be strong
Revels in it
Needs me a soldier
Yeah!
Needs me some passion
Needs me a revolution in my bed


Amen & hallelujah! I love this poem by Miss Scott.

Let's Get Marrieeedd

It is so weird to me to be in the same room with my mom when she can be so happy about someone else's nuptials but be so against mine. :/

In the past month two co-workers have tied the knot.


Finding love in this world is rare. Finding COMMITMENT is practically impossible. But yet in the past month, I've witnessed two beautiful occasions.

It's just ironic to me that my mother doesn't find the beauty in my own union.

Which is fine. It's her prerogative.

But it's almost as if she doesn't even respect the fact that this is my life, and the decision to get married, whether it be to Mr. Man or anyone else is my decision to make. It bothers me. Every time I make some kind of comment about my future and I make mention to Mr. Man, she'll say something like - "Who said it would be with him?" Even if someone ELSE makes a comment; oh here's a classic one: "Dezzy's next to get married." She'll roll her eyes and just act really fucking wack. It makes me want to just pinch her every time she does it.

Le sigh. Just wanted to get that out.

Starting Over

And so...dear readers (whomever among you remains) *smiles*

I have no choice but to start over.

I have felt so anxious lately and thought it might be best to sit and try to get my thoughts together. I don't know where to begin.

Work? School? (I'm BAACCKK!) Family? Mr. Man?

I want to go back and explain a few things that have happened in the month or so since I last blogged but it all seems sort of irrelevant. Today is today so why go back?

I stopped blogging because I didn't know what to write. And then it hit me that it didn't necessarily matter what I wrote because I was writing for the benefit of one person - myself. So from that standpoint - I am starting over with a fresh outlook of blogging. The old entries are there...for whatever purpose, lol (IDK how long they will stay..I had been wanting to get rid of them for a while but for now they remain.)

That is all for now..big dumpy blogs coming up about what I've been feeling lately.

Let The Truth Be Told

It's Monday.

Just another manic Monday.

I thank God I have a job but it is always so hard to go back there after vacation. When I'm away from the madness of my job I feel so so inspired. I fall for my own hype that one day [someday] I can actually save the world.

:sigh:

Then back to reality. I like my job. I love my job, actually. I could do it for hours on end with no real problem. Helping people get enrolled in college? That's my jumpoff. Not only do I get to help people, but I help them get educated. The hours are wearing me down though. I wish my hours were 8 to 4 or 9 to 5. Also, the bs that comes with this job is wearing me down. :/

Being a grown up is tough work sometimes.

But, I'm here to live it, ups and downs and all.

This weekend was a blah one. Went to church on Saturday. I was getting so fed up with waiting on Mr. Man I was fixing to leave him and go to church on my own. :sigh: He's always late. I don't know why it irritated me on this particular day. Well partially because I didn't want to have an awkward conversation with my mom. She knows we're having sex and to her it's hypocritical for us to be having sex and not be married. I won't even go into the doctrine on that one, because Mr. Man and I have a different understanding...but more importantly, I like going to church. I'm trying to live my life the best way I know how. I don't want to leave that part out. So, my mom just kind of eyeballing me was making me anxious to leave. And the fact that I was anxious was adding to my impatience because I didn't want to be late. I went and waited for Mr. Man on the bus stop. I did want him to know that I don't like being late to church. He was getting a little touchy feely about it and I could tell. His bottom line response: don't. ever. leave. me. period. LOL. I really wasn't leaving [for real for real] I just wanted him to know that the thought possibly kind of crossed my mind to teach him a lesson. He got the point, lol. We didn't do anything else on that day because he fell asleep. Then after he woke up, I fell asleep, lol.

We've been apartment hunting [somewhat online, somewhat hitting the pavement]. I really wanted us to go big and get a house but I am realizing that is a way bigger commitment than either of us is willing to make just now. I still am looking into it, because even if we get married next year and have to rent, I only expect to do that a year - maybe two years tops. Truthfully, my credit is in the crapper [lesson learned!] and I'm still paying off my debts. Chicago is a beast. Houses are so damn expensive here. It's actually pretty discouraging, but I've been looking into these housing assistance corporations, and they give me hope that maybe within the next 1 or 2 years, I can have my own garden and what not. :)Otherwise, apartment hunting is not what's hot. I've got my wants and he's got his wants...but I find that more and more we're meeting in the middle. Like for instance, I have won the washer + dryer battle (in-unit). Score! Basically, he was firm on his position of a laundry room until I said: "I like to wash in the middle of the night. What if I want to wash clothes in the middle of the night in my panties? You've taken that away from me." He looked at me with his mouth open. He said "No you wouldn't do that..." I was like "Dude, do I not do everything in my panties when I get the chance?" And he thought about it. And caved on his original position.

Check.&.Mate. Sex trumps reason almost every time. I don't know why this troubles me...lol. It should be empowering...lol.

And I would like to say this is just a male thing, but I don't think so. Me personally? Like I would give a crap if he washed clothes in his boxers! Wouldn't do much for me at all, lol.

Anyway...I felt like sharing this awesometastic artist...Laura Izibor..I am finding that I like most music from across the pond..these girls can sang...it's one of the few albums in my rotation right about nizzow... :) I'm looking to add Maxwell to my repertoire within the next week..not until payday though...was sposed to get it for my bday *pouts* but I didn't get it...Amazon sent out the wrong CD. So until then...Laura Izibor from Ireland...

Pretty Wings

It's been a long time since I've blogged last. I look over to my calendar and I still can't really get over the fact that it's July.

Motherf*&$@#* July.

The year is officially more than halfway over. How to cope, how to cope - I just don't know.

I've wanted to write, at least mentally I've said over and over again "I'm gonna blog tonight." But - that hasn't translated into me getting off of my ass and pounding the keys.

First things first: my birthday was so awesome. I'm still semi-buzzin' from the birthday high. Mr. Man came and picked me up from work last Thursday, took me out to dinner. Picked me up Friday, to supposedly take me to get my eyebrows arched. When I get to the place he wants to take me to (of course, I didn't pick up on anything, thought he was doing the good guy thing by picking me up so I wouldn't be on the bus) the Russian lady tells me (in a beautiful Russian accent):"You're getting a facial?!" I stammered and replied "Uh, just my eyebrows thanks. I've gotta go get my birthday outfit." She tilted her head to the side, and laughed as she said "Oh your boyfriend has surprised you. You will spend the rest of the afternoon here at the spa, recieve a manicure, pedicure, massage, and facial. Oh and I can arch your eyebrows too!" I laughed and said "My boyfriend!?" She then informed me he would be back for the massage. It was such a wonderful experience. It was the whole enchilada...the cashmere robe, being waited on hand and foot, right in the middle of downtown Chicago - I was so emotional because I thought how thoughtful to not only get me a present I wouldn't get myself, but also to get me something I would just love! She called him to tell him to come back because she had done my feet and hands. When he walked through the door I kissed him on the forehead. The whole body massage was pretty funny to me - because I'm deathly ticklish. The room was kind of cold, but relaxing. Had the candles, and the music jumping off. I was so sure I was going to crack up but I held my composure.

We left the spa, he brought me home and I could tell that this birthday weekend was getting to him. He was exhausted, but so happy to make me happy. We went to church on Saturday, then to the hotel room he booked which was right by ESPN Zone (walking distance.) He even volunteered to pick up my family to take us to ESPN Zone, and when I went in my bedroom there were all these presents from my family, my boss. I was so overwhelmed. My mom got me a silver, diamond encrusted Mickey watch with a black face - it's sharp, lol. Definitely not for children. I had a basket of these African soaps (carrot and pomegrante) I love to use with candles and what not. That was from my boss. He gave me a silver heart necklace with pink stones. All of the love and presents was making me real emotional. Keep in mind this was technically my first birthday after my father passed away, so I was a little sensitive anyway.

The party was bomb. Even though a lot of people I didn't expect to flake out on me did flake out on me. My sister couldn't come because of work. I won't lie that I took it seriously; but it was all to the good by the end of the night. The people who came made sure I had a good birthday, and that I did. :)

I also got a new gold band because we thought I lost my original band. We went to Kay Jewelers but was kind of turned off by the bourgeois attitude of the saleslady. So, we booked it to K-Mart, went right to the the gold bands, and bought me a new one. Of course, I find it afterwards, but we still thought it's better to have a ring that actually fits, so we don't have to worry about that anymore.

I had the week off after my birthday from work so really...I just been chilling. I actually went to the doctor yesterday (my face, yes, my FACE has been killing me) and apparently I have a sinus thingie going on. They prescribed me some antibiotics - which I am opting to not take. Them shits will give me ANOTHER yeast infection, and I'm sick of having a hot crotch. I'm going to go to Whole Foods and get my natural healing on. So far, I've been sipping vinegar water, which helps me feel a lot better than taking all of these manufactured medicines. I think the doctor got an attitude with me but I didn't give a damn. How dare you tell me to take a medicine to make one thing better that would make another thing worse? That is so counterproductive and just plain stupid to me. I was telling Mr. Man that in about 20 years I'm going to be so earthy and hippie-ish it's going to be ridiculous. I was feeling a little righteous anyway since I've got my fro back. :) I love my hair, man. It's so thick and soft. Me personally, if I could walk around in linen tunics, flowy skirts and flip flops all the time I would. He didn't care too much, since he says he's going to grow a Moses like beard.

This is the end of this ramble. I'll be back to regular blogging about stuff that matters to me soon, soon, soon. Peace!

Build Me Up Buttercup

Finally something somewhat blogworthy and positive:

I met Erika!

And she is every bit as sweet, warm, funny, interesting, and COOL as one might think!!!

That totally made my summer, lol!!!

Love Behind The Melody

The past two weeks has seen my health on a downward spiral. I've had a lot of time spent on my back (and not in a good way) but it was semi-positive. I've done a lot of thinking about my father. I see now how being in a nursing home environment is a horrible place to be. It starts off a never ending cycle of continuous illness. Before my dad got sick, I never knew men could get yeast infections. Now that I had my yeast infection, and have seen the causes for it, I see that prolonged exposure to antibiotics - those things that are supposed to help you get better - actually make you prone to other things. Each time I got sicker, first the extra period, then the yeast infection, and then the ear infection, I kept thinking if my father felt all of the things he went through. I often thought that he wasn't in pain - thinking of him in pain AND being that sick would have ridden me with enough guilt (survivor's guilt) for the next two lifetimes. I quieted my conscience by saying that most of what he went through he didn't feel. There were times were I could visibly witness his pain, but most times, I often thought he was just plain old sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is weird thinking of my dad being really deceased. I have not been to his grave. I did not go to the burial after the ceremony. I felt only a little guilty. Somehow that sight seems so totally final and something I'm not really ready for. I've never seen my brother's grave either, and I doubt that I ever will. I was so strong for so long for a lot of reasons in my dad's situation - but I know seeing that grave will just break me into pieces. And I'm woman enough to admit I'm just not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be either...

I had a lot of fighting going on around me last week. Besides me trying to gain the strength within myself to not succumb the itchy burny feelings in my ear and crotch...I was fighting at work. Not out and out clawing and yelling, but it was pretty close to it. If it's not being the King Solomon in the middle of petty disputes, it's fighting the administration. I think a few entries ago I mentioned my application to participate in this leadership academy at work. First of all, I thought it was a great way for me to professionally develop myself (outside of getting more degrees and certifications). Also, I don't think all leaders are born. I believe people can be taught to lead. I like to learn, know that there is a LOT out there for me to learn, and I have a real desire to be a leader. How else can I open my own school in a few years?

Well, the Dean certainly had qualms about allowing me to apply - not participate, but merely my application!! Me and my boss talked about it and I respectfully disagreed with the Dean's thought process (his exact words were "It's not her time") WTF?! I was so thrown and immediately threw myself into a job search. It's just not worth the drama. Everything is always so dramatic and everyone is so uninterested in moving above the status quo and that is NOT me.Eventually, my boss was able to persuade the Dean in signing off on my application, for which I was grateful. The overarching experience made me feel more determined than ever to be about my B I and keep it moving.

The weekend was a long one, seeing as how I was still sick but I made it through. My King took care of me. I am not in any way shape or form, a diva, or even a baby. But there's a feeling of knowing there's one person on this earth who will baby you no matter what. Mr. Man did basically everything I told him to do while I was sick. I asked him to rub my feet, and rub my back. He did it. I asked him to tell me a story because I didn't want to watch tv. What ensued was him making up a story about a Black cowboy named Dusty Rusty in the old Wild West, lol. Dusty Rusty was a loner, but eventually stayed in this one town and married Marilyn, a little waitress at the local inn he stayed at. Dusty eventually became sheriff of that town, retired, died, and entered the Lord's kingdom because even though he was a cowboy he was a good man. Lol. And like a 4 year old I interrupted every 5 seconds, lol. But it was funny and sweet. I told him to sing to me and he sang some song he made up called "Every Night." It was the worst singing I ever heard in my life, but he was working hard to make me smile and I couldn't help but do just that. Rapper, yes. Singer? Heck no! We watched movies he rented from the library and just had a gay old time as old people like to say. I probably fell more in love with him over the time I was at my absolute worst than I ever have before.

I've decided that my birthday provides the perfect occassion for both families to meet at ESPN Zone. Mr. Man's Mom did mention once to tell my mother "hello" although they had never met, and I think now is that time. We've been dating for over a year now, he introduces me to other people as his fiance. It only seems appropriate that our families meet each other in a low-pressure social setting. It's not some wedding dinner or whatever, it's a birthday dinner at ESPN Zone and if people get bored there are games to play and what not. Yes, I'm already considering my birthday, lol. It's about a month away before I turn...25.

Shit I'm getting older.

But I can't deny that I'm getting better, too.

Can't Wear Skinny Jeans 'Cause My Knots Don't Fit

Perpare for an entry on complete and utter randomness:

1. Oral contraceptives (besides fucking with your cycle) can lead to yeast infections. I have learned this through personal experience. I am seriously beginning to ask - why use them bastards if they come with all of the effing side affects? Just have the damn baby already!

1a. Then again, would I rather have two weeks of discomfort or 18 years of lasting side effects in the form of someone who demands burping, diaper changing, feeding, and money? Option A, please!

2. Sex related random, so I'll keep it in this section. I am on day 10 of not having sex. Might be longer - scratch that - I know it'll be much longer before I get some. At least until I get the all clear from my doctor that everything with my va-jay-jay is intact. I don't have any STD's or anything like that. (They tested me for things I can't even prononce.) For the most part he (Mr. Man) has been pretty good about keeping his hands to himself...until I was in his kitchen cooking dinner last night. I thought he was joking but apparently it was some huge turn on to him. HUGE turn on. Who knew? So before the night was over, he got some oral action from me. I noticed he had murmured something about "sleeping like a baby" after I was done. Boy was he ever telling the truth. I was trying to talk to him on the train but I kept feeling his head get heavy on my chest. Everytime he gets oral action he pretty much knocks out. I can forget about gettin' some anything after that. Not even some conversation, lol. I just shook my head, lol.

3. I applied to be part of this leadership academy at work. I was pretty much keeping it to myself because I don't know if I will actually get selected. :/ It will look great on my resume if I do, and expose me to some new contacts in the educational field. I just feel funny about writing my thoughts on education down for other people to read. I feel like people might steal it or something. And that would be pretty devastating to me. I had no idea that the Dean had to sign off on my paperwork so we will see where it goes next. *shrugs* I hope I get in though. I just hate admitting that I hope I get in.

4. It is June and it is COLD. Like, I need to wear a winter hat because my scalp is exposed cold. Like, a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and a bowl of chili for dinner isn't entirely unacceptable. Le sigh.

5. Father's Day is approaching. I guess too many other family holidays have passed by that my family didn't really celebrate, but I do remember celebrating Father's Day. Decorating the ties in school. Writing the "What Does My Father Mean To Me" essays. I have been thinking about visiting the cemetery but I really don't know if that is something that I am prepared for. Thinking about it really makes me uneasy. It is very final. I see how heaven can be comforting for some people and thinking that their loved ones are looking down on them is a nice thought. I know that is not the case with my father. My faith reasons that the Lord will come down and establish his kingdom on earth. I believe that. My faith also reasons that if everyone instantly goes to heaven, then how is judgment to occur? I believe that also. I know if I am not comfortable going to the cemetery then I don't have to rush myself to go. But it seems like I should do it at least once. I don't know when that one time will be though.

Midnight Bottle

Blame it on the a-a-a-nxiety, blame it on the web, blame it on Google. My imagination was driving me crazy. Sure, I was bleeding, but I didn't know why. Never did it dawn on me that I could really be getting my period twice within a 5 week period.

But that is absolutely what the situation was.

I went to the ER and it appears that my babbling to the doctor was completely incoherent. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was in there for until I told her "Well I googled vaginal bleeding - and it said ALL these things could be wrong."

:/

That's the face I got from the doctor - she completely understood A) how I was scared out of my mind and B) why I couldn't wait one more second to see what was REALLY going on.

Of course, I had to spread the legs so she could look. Said everything looked fine, healthy, no abrasions, bumps, etc. She swabbed my cervix and said at best, having taken Plan B, I probably experienced my period much sooner than expected. Also, I had to take in consideration for April - my period was nowhere to be found. Go figure. You all have no idea how good I felt after speaking to the doctor, my mind was clear - and I physically felt better. The next morning I woke up, I noticed the familiar feeling in my belly from being on my period. I was thankful.

I started school this week. Not my second Masters though. I enrolled in a class at the school I work at to defer my loans. Thank God for that. I really could not have afforded to start paying my loans back, as well, my mind needs the stimulation. I enrolled in a Psychology course. If I ever decide to pursue yet another Master's degree (lol) I could always choose Poli Sci or Psychology. I doubt it though. Most likely I would begin pursuit of my doctorate. My mom wants me to start that sooner than later, but I'm not wholly interested in that. How much time can a person spend in school? Especially when I have aspirations of starting my own school. I certainly want my doctorate, but I have to get in the community sooner than later! I'm sure you all know how parents can be, though. My mom thinks it's more likely for me to get knocked up than complete my studies. (Oh she of little faith!)

My cousin is having a BBQ this weekend that I can't attend. First off, it's on the Sabbath. Second off, I won't be able to eat anything that's cooked - I don't eat red meat or pork. She was pretty understanding about it, but I wish I had more people that understood or could relate to keeping the Sabbath. When I say I keep it, a lot of people just kind of look and say "Oh". It's not just "Oh." When the rest of the free world keeps the Sabbath on Sunday and society is meant to operate in that way it's hard to refrain from doing things on Saturday when you work all week, and on Sundays to try to get things done is difficult because most places are closed. (I'm not complaining, just explaining)I'm doing okay, but I suppose I could be doing a lot lot better. I'm getting there slowly but surely.

I need to get ready for work. Peace!

Fearless

Okay. Maybe not fearless. Maybe fearful should be what this is titled.

On one of the many occasions that Mr. Man and I were really making use of the King size bed we shared, it was brought to my attention that I was bleeding afterwards.

Talk about killing a buzz. Here I am floating so high in the sky (some orgasms later) and then - CRASH - the thought of blood is enough to snap me back into the very real and present reality. I won't lie - this is my blog so no need for that. There was some very hot, passionate, sweaty, rough sexxx going on. It didn't bother me because each time he took it up a notch - I took it up a notch also. Two people who don't really have any stopping sense when it comes to that category really don't have any reason to be together. But should it happen - the world should watch out.

I couldn't understand how I was bleeding. I looked down at my va-jay-jay. I wasn't sore. Well at least not in that area. My muscles were sore like I just got done playing two games back to back of full court basketball but otherwise. But nothing below the belt. I didn't worry about it. At worst, Mr. Man went too deep, and eventually I would be okay.

That was on Friday. Today is Monday and I'm still spotting. On one hand - I'm cool as a cucumber. I don't feel like I'm in pain so what is there to worry about? My paranoia (and slight instinct) has prevented me from even wanting to have sex (I told Mr. Man at best, perhaps we should wait 7 to 10 days before doing anything) but the more and more I consider things...the worse I feel inside. One (or two, or three maximum) sessions of rough sex could maybe bother my insides and prevent me from having children one day. What if the bleeding is indicative of a worse problem - a problem I'm not even ready to deal with? Or...what if I'm overeacting? This IS after all the first time Mr. Man and I have ever even been together intimately everyday in a week's span - maybe the va-jay-jay is worn out. But everytime I think about something being wrong with my reproductive organs - my heart hurts and I start wanting to cry. I don't want anything in the world to prevent me from having kids.

I need to go to the doctor, but if I go now - my mom will be super suspicious. I can't wait to schedule an appointment, because with fucking HMO I'll have to go to my internist BEFORE going to the gynecologist. If something IS wrong - then I'd be waiting anywhere from 3 weeks to a month before seeing someone about it. The way I'm feeling now though - I know I'm going to the ER, I just have to try to wait it out until Wednesday. If this were a regular workday, I guess I would just go after work and not worry about my mom. Granted, I'd probably be in the ER til about 11AM or 12 midnight but I'm sure I could talk my way out of that. Also, I'm due in at work for overtime this week at 8AM instead of my regularly scheduled 11AM. At best, I think I will just leave early on Wednesday or Thursday. What other choices do I have? The longer this spotting (and it's not major - just enough to make me freak out! and who wouldn't freak out at the sight of blood when its not that time of the month?!)occurs, the crazier I feel inside.

If it's not one thing it's another. I have no moral to this sotry until I find out the root cause of the bleed. I want to blame someone - but I can only blame myself. I feel so retarded. How could I not tell he was hitting something inside that he shouldn't have been hitting if I honest to God was in no pain? He feels bad because he doesn't want to think that he caused me pain - inadvertently or otherwise. It's embarassing, unnerving, but most of all, I'm scared out of my mind....