Here I Stand

I had a splendiferous weekend!!!

(SMILE SMILE SMILE!)

For the first time in a long time, everything seemed really good. My mom being in good spirits really makes my world so right. Even Mr. Man noticed that she was in a good mood. She called me and told me she had won a raffle prize she would share with Mr. Man. Future mother in law say what? I couldn't believe it. Her cheeriness continued into Sunday as Mr. Man came on over with breakfast for me and him. We watched the end of First Knight, and then went grocery shopping.

Even running errands with Mr. Man is an adventure all its own. He's comical, but what he probably doesn't understand is that I'm usually sizing him up for life after the wedding. Is he going to drive me crazy in public? Is he comfortable going grocery shopping? These are things I pay attention to, and with good reason. We had fun though. After bringing the groceries to my house then we went and spent time with his family. We were house hopping because he was welcome at my house for dinner (I know, lol) and we were getting restless just waiting. Then, we went to his apartment. I decided this weekend I don't care for his roomate. I don't really like him or dislike him. I'm cordial, because that's the type of person I am. I def. don't like his roomate's whatever. She's pretty stank. I try to not think bad things, because I'm not sposed to, lol - but she's rude. The very first time I met them, and I believe I spoke to her - she did not speak. That is one of my pet peeves. It is SO basic. When someone says "hi" just say "hi" back. Even if they don't say "hi" initiate it! I always do. My mama taught me to speak to people. Period. Plus, when I'm at Mr. Man's house, I feel like he's my king and I'm his queen and that's our palace. The whole royal effect wears off with wack roomates around. I only have to deal with them a little while longer. I can hang.

Work was whateverish. My boss wasn't there and honestly I was working on my monthly budget. The better weather is sure to break soon, and we have to start looking for a place to stay. That, is entirely another entry for another day, lol. The plus is my friend is a leasing agent. The minus is that Mr. Man is sooooooooo cheap. Some things you just can't scrimp on. I want to live in a decent place - is stainless steel appliances and a jacuzzi too much to ask? Okay,maybe I spend wayyyyy too much money, lmao. I think we'll meet in the middle, as we do on most things. Spending so much time at each family's respective house made me realize how significant our families are too us but more importantly how much I look forward to really living my life full-time with Mr. Man. It won't be easy. But this is something I want really badly. And when I want something I find a way to make it work.

Hey Mama! I Wanna Scream So Loud For You

It's no secret that my mom has the ability to drive me nuts. She nags me, is way too nosy, and generally a bother. She never wants to go out, refuses to go shopping, and besides work is very much a hermit. We argue like Felix and Oscar, like cats and dogs, like Jay-Z and Nas, lol. Epic, knock-down, drag out "I can't stand you" type arguments.

But she's still my mom! She's still my best friend. She's my rock, and my confidant. Forever full of wisdom (whether I care to listen or not, and 9 times out of 10 I DO listen). I think that sometimes since I complain about her interventions in my life more than anything, people get the wrong idea. I love my mom, I respect my mom, and as much as she mothers me, I definitely do my share of mothering as well.

The past few days me and my mom have been texting. Yesterday and today she was at two conferences for work. She revealed to me yesterday that she would be pursuing her doctorate in education. I was so proud at that. She had been going back and forth about going back to school for some time, but the latest round of unethical practices and general wackness by the administration at her job has pushed her towards doing something about those pricks. I'm going to school for my second Master's and my mom is going for her Doctorate. We revolutionistas do get greedy with degrees, lol.

My mom had to find a way to get to her second conference. Chris backed out at the last minute as a ride, and my mom doesn't drive. That was my dad's job. So today, we looked up the instructions, and lo and behold CTA and Metra would take her where she wanted to go. I was happy for her. Even though the CTA bus driver totally gave her the wrong instructions she still got on the Metra for the first time and made it to her conference. :-)

After getting her off to her conference, I jumped in the shower because Mr. Man was coming to pick me up early. His mom was getting ready for a wedding and she was getting all dolled up : shoes, nails, lol - the whole works. I thought it was cool because the past month she's been pretty sensitive and down about the breakup and moving in with her daughter. A wedding is just what she needed. I know, there won't always be good times for our mothers. But, the older I get, the more I realize it's the little things in life - getting ready for a wedding, riding the train alone for the first time - these things matter. For these women these small things meant a lot - and I saw that and I felt good inside to be a part of it.

Flashback Friday - For You I Will

Even though I loved Brandy when she played "Moesha", there was never any doubt when the beef came out between Brandy and Monica who was the better singer. It was Monica by a landslide. Monica could have been any one of my friends I went to school with who happened to be a singer. But I liked Monica because she was just hood enough, but still classy. When I was little and used to imagine falling in love - this was the song I envisioned. That all encompassing, do anything, cross the river, scale the mountain, sacrifice my last dollar type love. I believe love should be like that. Not on some Hollywood type shit, but if you can't be my everything, we are going to have problems. To me, my mom and dad embodied that love. It might not be romantic or all fairy-tale-ish. But it's real. And love has to be real.

Yep. That's my joint.

Life is so tripped out right now. I don't know where to begin. They tell me, however that the beginning is always a good place to start. Work is cuckoo bananas, to say the least. Looks like the recession has hit the college, as people are being axed every other week. What administration doesn't understand is what that does to a worker's psyche.

What has it done to my psyche? Please trust, I am putting my career center at DePaul and AIU to work. I have dusted off my resume, and this weekend I will get my career portfolio in order. (Yes, I have one, and you should too!) Alternatively, I am completing my application for grad school. This second Master's will help me get ther certificates required for me to teach in the state of Illinois. Teaching fits into my long range goal of reducing my loans as well as supplying the research necessary for my doctoral research.

Now I am fairly positive in whatever the Lord may deem as an appropriate interjecture in my journey ,but last week I was sick with the possibilities of unemployment. Absolutely sick. My family (Mr. Man included) need me to be gainfully employed. We simply can't make it any other way.

Speaking of Mr. Man, he and I are getting along marvelously. He did reiterate how on Monday how he really did want me and his daughter to meet. I indicated that of the parties involved neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. He was happy, and so was I. Truthfully, I can't wait to meet his daughter. But, the other thing that has my antenna up is his daughter's mother. I am trying to find a good way to tell him that I truly believe she has the right to know if he brings his fiance around. She needn't agree with it, but I believe she has the right to know. That's just me. I always try to be diplomatic regardless of the situation and regardless of whether I believe she personally deserves it. (For the record, I don't believe she deserves it.) But, my diplomacy and maturity is what separates me from the majority of these allegedly "grown ass women." I'm not interested in getting into some crazy confrontation with this woman. On the other hand I am pretty convinced something like that is right up her alley. I know, just from the conversations that Mr. Man's patience is wearing thin with her. Point in case: Mr. Man is unemployed and we all know this. We also know he has been paying child support (supposedly for his daughter's tuition). So tell me why, does it make sense for his daughter's mother to say "Why can't you take your daughter for four days?" Um, maybe because I'm paying for her to go to school. She got an attitude. You can't have it both ways. If you increase the frequency that he sees her she should expect for him to want partial custody. But she wants to dump her off whenever, have him pay child support, claim her on taxes, but have the least responsibility. Come on woman, I mean for real - woman to woman. Step your game up. I don't know about their relationship so I don't critique it. I don't know what she put up with. I know she left. And I know how she is as a mom. And to me, I feel she could do better, regardless of whether a man is around or not. Just my personal thoughts. I'm not a single mom, so I can't say for sure, but as a woman, I feel she needs to step it up a notch. Not for her either, but for the baby. But no matter what, I respect her. It's not my place to shit on her. (Quite frankly, its not necessary. I know I'm the shit. And she does a pretty good job of playing herself on the daily.)

The whole misunderstanding last week with Mr. Man was never about him going to the studio. I had to let him know that. I just wanted some TLC after my period and before the Sabbath. That's all. We revisited the studio situation, because he said he wasn't going to go. I want Mr. Man in the studio. I believe in his dream. I told him on his birthday we need to get this album done come what may. So I think he might have been surprised when I brought it back up today. He muttered something about not having any money. How many times...how many times do I have to tell him I will go without if it means he doesn't have to? We talked about what it would take to have him finish the album. It was a good conversation. We decided that if he goes hard - 3 or 4 days back to back - and $100 to finish the album. That's nothing. I got you babe. He seemed so relieved, and I'm glad I could help. I love him, and we're no good if we can't help each other achieve our dreams. This isn't some pipe dream. This is his career. I want him to succeed. I would do this and much much more if necessary.

The only thing I want is one song dedicated to me. *blushes* lol.

I Coulda Been In Love By Now If It Wasn't For T.O.N.Y.

While I go back and forth on how I feel about Beyonce, I have never felt that way about Solange. I love her music, love her album, love her imperfect, unique, little self. Solange is the typical little sister. T.O.N.Y. (which cleverly stands for The Other Night, Why?) is one of my favorite songs. It's not about some perfect, undying love - and it's not totally man bashing. It's just an honest song about engaging in an act and contemplating the repercussions of that one night stand. It talks about how many more women could possibly be in love if we weren't so hasty to settle for lust that often simulates love. 

Where would I be without music? I just don't know. 

I am doing fine, fine, fellow bloggers, thanks for asking. :-) It is hard for me to comment because I have bene working a lot of overtime lately. I was musing how I've been with Mr. Man a year, and when we first met I was rushing in to do overtime at work. A year later, my office is still shortstaffed, and I'm still running in to do overtime at work. People need jobs yet my position has been vacant for a little under a year. Shame, shame, shame. 

Mr. Man and I had a disagreement. I was really upset with him. I think that I took a small situation and made it a big one (actually I know I did). It all would have been avoided had I done a better job of expressing how I just wanted to see him on Friday after the hellacious week I had. Sometimes I feel so weird about expressing aloud how bad I want to just be in Mr. Man's presence. It makes me feel needy or something. Blame it on pride, or whatever. But I suppose after a year it is perfectly acceptable to just want to be with my man. Even more so to admit it aloud. 

As usual, after talking it over (I was perfectly impossible the next day I did see him, which was Saturday) I felt pretty goofy for carrying on the way I was. Since I couldn't see him Friday, when I did see him I was a brat and wasted hours I'll never get back unnecessarily beefing. He took it in stride and seemed to think it was awfully adorable, not once did I sense an ounce of aggravation or frustration from him. He just held me in the way that he always does and kissed me on my cheek and forehead and reiterated that he loved me. 

It was nice, even though it was brief. Brief because on alternate weekends he has his daughter. That is always pleasant to me. I wish things were different in that situation, because I can't imagine how his daughter is dealing with not having her father on a constant basis. It must be so confusing. I only pray that her mother is handling the situation properly. Today I had to go to the grocery store by his house, and he had his daughter. I told him I would be brief (it was my intention.) He actually asked me to call him when I was done, so I could see him briefly. See him and his daughter? On his initiative, not mine? Of course! I was nervous, I was scared, I was shopping furiously. 

And then, I missed my shot, lol. He told me that he only had a short amount of time before his cousin came to take them out to eat, lol. He called me back in half an hour and told me that she had arrived and would be taking them to Mickey Ds. His cousin has a daughter the same age as his, so she would have a playmate for a few hours. I was glad. Glad that he was with his daughter. Glad they were having fun. Glad I was invited for 10 minutes, lol. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but it is. We both agree that just introducing children to random people wasn't a good look. It's just not responsible. Kids need continuity. Introducing them to your latest jumpoff could be plain dangerous. Everybody don't got good sense. As well, I'm uneasy when people just want to meet another person's kids right off. Given that both of us wanted to grow on all levels it was just agreed that he, she, and I would meet when the time was right. And I'm glad that he's initiated that. Even then, I still realize that their time together is so limited, and I wouldn't want to infringe. So, the invite was a big deal, lol. 

Anyway, I had more to write, but I'm sleepy. Hasta la vista bebes.

Flashback Friday - Hot Like Fire

The year was 1997. And R & B was THE BEST, with artists like Aaliyah, Ginuwine, beatmaker Timbaland, and Missy for added star power. Aaliyah was a girl with around the way appeal to both men and women. Sophisticated, mature lyrics over the right beat provided timeless music. Of course the drama that shrouded this young woman behind the shades (marriage to R. Kelly at the tender age of 17??)was enough to discount her musical prowess. Aaliyah was stronger than that, and soon showed the world that she was. I loved this song back then. I was a tween just beginning to ponder about love, imagine about my first kiss, and whom I might share it with (at that time, I was deeply in love with Anton Davis and Romero Holloman - either of them I wouldn't have minded being my first kiss, especially Romero!)

I get nostalgic sometimes y'all. Shit, ten years ago, I was a woman (biologically, lol) and I depended on my parents to provide. My dad was alive ten years ago, and it makes me thing had I known when he would die, maybe I would have clinged to him more than I already did. I always knew how important it was that not only I had a dad, but that he was active and around every day. I never had to wonder about that, and I thank my parents for that. Building a union like that isn't easy. I have realized that there is some truth to what the therapists say about women that have a father around, and women that don't; and how they subconsciously (or sometimes even consciously) relate that to their dating lives. I think that's why I really look some females upside the head for the ridiculousness they allow in so intimate an area of their life.

I'm so geometrical. That was a big long tangent, lol.

Mr. Man had a great birthdaversary. It was a week ago. I don't have much to say about it, except there were moments I wanted to choke the hell out of him. He was just so...well to me it appeared to be ungrateful. I suppose to him he was being his consistent self. I do things big, he does things small. We're different in that. We most likely always will be. He complained about the restaurant being full of white people (it was an Italian restaurant!) Then he complained about the prices of the food (which he wasn't paying for!) My whole thing is, you miss the bigger point of why I brought you here when we live in fucking Chicago and there is at least 5 restaurants on ONE block. I brought you here because YOU love salmon, and this place has the BEST salmon this city has to offer. Sigh. He did get it at one point, but it took him some time. We went to the Drake Hotel for the night, and it was nice, but that was something I paid for. I'm not complaining about paying, because I feel like if I wanted the shit done a certain way I'd do it myself. But I did get hurt because it was like...do I get a card? I don't need much, and I had already prepared myself for how I might be going way overboard for no real good reason. Truly, I'm just glad we got to spend time together, and cuddle, and be intimate and just relax for once. But on the other hand, sometimes (not often) I catch feelings that when it comes to the little random acts of kindness thing, I'm not matched in my efforts. Then, I scolded myself because deep down I know his money is funny since he's officially not working, but at the same time, I work and my money is funny and I just prioritized to make sure things were cool for his special day. I don't know. Maybe we'll always be different in that area. We're not arguing, because for one - I haven't determined if this is worthy of bringing up. I feel like for the most part we agree on all things important in our relationship.

On top of that, right now I'm not feeling super pretty. I'm my period, my face has too many bumps on it and I'm not digging it. I know I am pretty- have you guys seen me? I know I'm not "skinny" but I'm pretty hot, lol. But, right now my hair is straw set. You all know it's Natural. I got it straw set as opposed to micro braids because I have to be in a mind set to sit in a chair for 8 hours getting my hair done and then spending close to 200 dollars to have it done. Again, I said "Mr. Man isn't working and he may need some help making it. I'm not going to spend my money like this." So I didn't. When I see him, he was like "Oh, you look nice - what happened with the micros?" I told him "I just didn't feel like sitting." Do you know we had a hair discussion for like two hours? I was laying on my side that Saturday and I told him he'd be figuring me out for the rest of his life. He asked what that meant. Then I told him why I forfeited getting my hair done. If it comes down to him being in the studio and wrapping the album - or my getting my hair done, I opt for the record to get finished. I told him, that I'd always go without so he can have what he needs. Of course by this point I'm practically in tears because that's something I shouldn't have to say. I treat everyone like that, so it's not like he's the sole benefactor of that by being my man - he just tends to be in the top of the list of priorities. Anyhow, this straw set is almost a week old, and despite my efforts to keep it looking fresh, I haven't washed it out yet because I didn't want to give up on it, lol. Truly, I'm trippin, because I know it looks better but I don't feel like it so I want it gone.

I just think one of the worst things in the world is for a person (male or female) to feel as if they are unappreciated. That is so emotionally stressing.

Briefly, work is great. I'm leading my team in getting commencement underway. It is nice to be going in a positive direction where you will shortly see it all come together. It's my first time doing it and I'm pumped.

Family is fine, my brother got a raise (still hates his job, lol - but he DOES have one), my other brother applied for unemployment, and my mom has been unannoying to me pretty much since I got home from the hospital last week from my GERD episode.

I'm going shopping today. Recession, schmecession. I got money in the bank, and I'm spending some of it on myself without feeling guilty. Peace!

Flashback Friday - Why Do Fools Fall In Love?

Song of the Day - Why Do Fools Fall in Love
Year- 1956
Artist - Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers

A crazy thing about this clip is that Frankie is allegedly only 13! Besides me being enamored with all things considered throwback-ish, Frankie asks an age old question: Why do fools fall in love?

Mr. So Fly Crash Lands In My Room

I am quite sure thousands, if not millions, have blogged about Kanye's 808s and Heartbreak. I would never ever admit this to Mr. Man, but 808s and Heartbreak is my guilty pleasure. When I feel depressed (which is often, no matter how hard I try to avoid it sometimes) I put on 808s and Heartbreak. It is a super-emo album. The beats (created from this old machine used to create beats back in the day -hence the title 808's) are extremely hypnotic and soothing. You just get lost. In fact, I could totally get an instrumental of this album. I think this was an album Kanye needed to release regardless of what critics would say. At first, I will admit; I didn't get the concept. I didn't "get" the album.

Actually I still "don't" get it. But, after the billionth listen, I've given it a meaning that works for me.

The other day I was fantasizing something awful about taking a glorious vacation. Is it bad that after my initial thoughts that it would be the perfect thing for me and Mr. Man to do...I started fantasizing about frolicking in the sand all by my lonesome? A tote full of philosophical and political works, my MP3 player, and a journal. I love being with him but, he's done his share of exploring and traveling. Anyway, my co-worker (HeffaGirl) is a travel agent, and I was really thinking of going on a Jamaican vacation in July for my birthday. I was willing to book with her, regardless of my personal feelings, because at least someone I knew would get the comission. I also sort of wanted to give her the business to help her out, on a sista-to-sista type deal. 

Just because you're a sister, doesn't mean you're a sista. She was extremely funny about it when I was asking her questions about booking, and what not, as well as just being generally disinterested. Heffa, if you don't want this money, that is too cool. I would rather deal with someone who can at least pretend to understand the basics of customer service; regardless of whether we know each other or not. She just lost a commission, and a big one too. It's all to the good. It should probably be better that my first vacation is something smaller anyway. 

I'm tired, and my stomach hurts. This is the big birthdaversary weekend approaching. Did I mention that I'm tired, and my stomach hurts, lol? I have Mr. Man's two gifts wrapped in the corner. They're pretty, gold and black paper and bows, because they're his favorite color. I-Pod Nano in his favorite color, because he loves music, and  a Tupac book (the best one ever) because he loves Tupac. I know my man well. But, lately I've been getting a mighty sneaky suspicion that since I put so much emphasis into planning things for him (his birthday), he hasn't planned anything on his own in regards to our anniversary.  I don't know how I feel about that. At this point I'm speculating, but, I know him. I kind of wish that both didn't fall on the same day, because he'll always end up getting two gifts from me, because that's how I am. It's not to say he isn't sweet, isn't thoughtful, and doesn't remember things like this. But I wonder if I dropped the ball by not explicitly stating how amped I am for our anniversary. And how much I'm kind of expecting him to reflect the same amped-ness. And how I had better just lower my expectations now because after booking a room on the cheap at the Drake Hotel, and dinner for two at Maggiano's; I'm going to be beyond pissed if he drops the ball. However, if I don't expect much, I won't feel bad. I'm not expecting much. Just want him to put in what I put in. Match my effort. 

I'm ranting now, but I know that this weekend has to be the bomb for him. Tomorrow is the last day he'll be working. I know he has said he's cool about it, but I can hear the reality of the situation settling in his mind and spirit also. To join the ranks of unemployed Black men - its not a familiar situation to me. My father, and brothers have been there. That's one of the reasons I've really been going all out. Mr. Man scrapes by on what's required and he never asks for anything, although he knows that I make twice as much as him. I hate to see that. To me, for once, I really wanted him to just not worry about money. I wanted us to just have the opportunity to focus on us for once. No roomates, no parents, no work, no studio. Just us. All of a sudden I just remembered why us being together for a year actually matters...

Peace.

So Sick

Today is the first day the sun has shown since Erika's pop passed away. I noticed that this morning. Sometimes, if a person passes too soon, it is said that the Lord is crying and the rain are his tears. You're on my mind girl, and I hope you're pulling through.

I was sick yesterday. I've been sick since Saturday night when I couldn't leave Mr. Man's house for anything in the world. It was so embarrassing. Everytime I stood up I felt like I would throw up or poop. I thought I had food poisioning and like a silly girl I blamed him (at least not aloud!) I told him I was hungry, and he bought me a sandwich from Subway the day before with mayo on it. I never have, and never will eat mayo because it disgusts me way down deep inside. Vomi-trocious.

I left work early and caught the bus home to pick up my cell-phone and HMO card. When I got there, my mom was already there. I called her from work to let her know I was going to the ER for the bad chest pains I was having. The crazy part about it is, I didn't desire to go to the ER on the bus. I mentioned that I would call Mr. Man to take me.

And we proceeded to argue, even though my chest was killing me. She said if I was THAT sick, I needed an ambulance. I told her to "get a grip." Stomped around the house, and left. I called Mr. Man from the bus stop. Of course fooling around with my mother I missed two buses. I was livid. I told him I was on my way to the ER and he asked if I wanted him there. Of course I do. Thank you for offering, because I felt my asking would have been babyish. His sister was kind enough to drop him off. I really do have to remember to get her some gas money, although I'm sure he does compensate her.

I got to the ER and was looking around in the waiting room for him, and suddenly there he was on my right side. I instantly felt a world of relief.

Triage checked me in, and notice my pulse and blood pressure were high. They had to order an EKG, just to be on the safe side of things. I didn't mind too much. An EKG means that they would just be checking on my heart. The guy who did my EKG was checking on more than my heart though, lol. Brotha was trying to holler. I must be some kind of sexy to solicit attention even when I'm sick, lol. It was cracking me up because, Mr. Man was right in the next room.

And then we waited. Mr. Man stayed for four hours before asking his mom to come and pick him up. I begged him to go get something to eat, because I knew if I was starving, so was he. He buckled down and agreed. He came back shortly after I was finally being seen by a doctor. It was close to 12:30AM. The medical student was so sweet and kind. She couldn't have been more older than me. It did my heart so much good to see a Black med school student doing her thang. She alluded to stress playing a big cause in my illness. I just looked at her. She also told me sternly, but kindly- to lose 10 pounds. It hurt my feelings. Not as much as considering the fact that if I don't start changing now, I may face an untimely death like my father. Laying on the hospital bed, I was having a conversation with my dad. Sorry daddy. You took good care of me when you were here. I'm unravelling all the work you put in to make sure us kids were strong, healthy. But I promise I'm going to make a change. A big change, too. A change is gonna come. It's GOTTA come. When Mr. Man came in and kissed me, she asked if he was the source of my stress. Not one bit lady. I smiled. They ran test after test, another EKG and a chest x-ray, a pregnancy test. Mr. Man and I awaited the results; I was curled up on one side of the bed, and his head lay next to mine, his body protecting me from outsiders even when he was sleeping. As usual, he was snoring. I smiled again as I joined him in sleepland briefly. The doctor came back to let us know how the results looked. She explained that I had been diagnosed with GERD. It is an illness when people have horrible acid reflux. Left untreated, I'm a prime candidate for ulcers later in life. It's better to get this taken care of sooner than later.

I have never felt more serious in my life to make this change. I really have to work on myself mentally, and phsyically. No more screwing around. I've only got one life to live, and I'm trying to live out all my days, feel me? When I die, they'll say - she lived such a full life, rather than she's gone too soon.

The revolution must begin with me.

So Simple

The life lessons I feel like I'm learning now are more like concepts I've known previously but lost from lack of application. Life is a lot like mathematics that way. I bet most of you guys couldn't do too well on an Algebra test right now because most of us haven't used Algebra in such a long time. Life is like that. If you don't use a concept, you'll lose it.

Last week was a rough week. Most of them have been since losing my dad. And I guess the thing that I couldn't get out of my head was the image of how I last saw him at the funeral. My mom found some really old pictures of him from my brother's high school graduation. The thing you have to understand about my dad is that he never took pictures. I believe it's because his mom was half Native American, and I know they believe by taking pictures you're taking away from your life expectancy. I don't know how accurate that was. But towards the end of his life, he did away with that. And for memory's sakes, especially for his future grandchildren's sake, I am happy that I have a few pictures. It makes remembering the good times easier. And when I was writing that message to Mr. Man, that's what I was essentially getting to. There is no reason all the good memories I have (practically a lifetime) should be overshadowed by how his life ended.

Me and my mom are okay for the most part. All I can say is some days are good days, and some are not. This weekend I ate some food that didn't settle well with me at Mr. Man's house. I couldn't get out of his house because my stomach was seriously too weak. I kept thinking I had to vomit and use the bathroom. I didn't get home til 5 something. I texted my mom and brother to let them know I was okay but I was just hanging around until I was able to be more mobile because I was obviously sick. Let's just say she was less than happy about demanding I get home: something along the lines of "get your ass home" was said. I was less than pleased. Later that morning, she kept saying if I was that sick then she should've been called to take me to the hospital. Mom, you don't drive. How were you going to get me to the hospital? Then I was told that when I'm with "him" I don't think or make responsible decisions. Since my stomach was still weak, and I was tired, I just went to take a shower and clean the kitchen. I'm sick of arguing. Same song, different melody. It gets old. I'm trying harder and harder to do the things I've been told I'm not doing, but I'm largely unsuccessful. Mr. Man came over yesterday, bought me yogurt for my stomach, and sat in the front room just chopping it up with James yesterday. I appreciated that a lot. He's trying, too.

We went to go see Watchmen in River Forest. It was a great movie. Not your typical superhero flick, but one has to recall that it's a dystopian feature so how could it be TYPICAL? I enjoyed it though, and even managed to stay up for the whole movie. It was one of those movies I'd seen once, and immediately needed to see agian, lol. We got a bite to eat, and went to Borders. It was a nice, relaxing, day.

Today is Monday, the beginning of a new work week. I'm off to take a nice shower to get things started on the right foot. Peace!

Humble Me

Not much to blog about, so I will share my correspondence to Mr. Man from the past two days with you all. I only do it because they (the emails) pretty much sum up the things I've been considering and trying to deal with.

From Me to Mr. Man: 3/5/09

I am taking a break from work - and trying to refrain from getting too reflective...but I can't help it...I can be quite over-analytical at times (I guess it's a gift and a curse - you tell me) but there seems to be a permanent black cloud over this place...evil has taken hold...a lot of the daily rigmarole of it all... I just choose not to mention aloud, but you have no idea (actually, you are probably one of few who do know and can empathize) how damaging it can be to the spirit...the constant repression of intellectual exchange ("dumb it down") combined with the overarching oppression...all in an institution of higher education (how ironic! I think on how my father is sooo having the last laugh right now...I could've been a corporate attorney like he wanted for this) the blatant classism that exists amongst the workers...what's the point anyway? Some are so eager to lie, cheat, snitch, and steal, to get where they need to be...but the bottom line is; whether you're faculty, staff, cafeteria worker, or janitor...to the administration we're all lumped in as lumpen...even worse, a mere means to an end...it is so crazy...people like you and I burdened with the awareness of our seemingly perpetual condition are few and far between it seems...I find myself more and more of an official recluse in this environment...I can't merely discuss shopping at Nordstroms' or the mall, nor citing how Barack Obama is really doing his "thang", nor Lent or Easter and not eating meat on Friday...I'm at a standstill, because there is no revolutionary change I can put into place where I am...for the sole exception of my student organization (all females ironically...I often reference Harriet's quote 'if only they knew they were slaves...'I guess to me at this particular level (since this is where the bulk of my time is) my goal is only to spark something in someone...maybe inspire (force...you know I have totalitarian tendencies) someone to go beyond what they're taught..I simply count the time that goes by and interact when necessary until I can flee to the freeness and (semi)solitude of my room where I can study and work in peace...I find solace in the fact that this is "only" 8 hours...that my self-identity isn't based on this job...and I suppose to that end, this is only a means to an end for me too but, it isn't that...I genuinely care about the well-being of any people I consider myself to serve...in this capacity it's the students...in a revolutionary capacity, it's the people and obtaining our freedom..the more I feel the institutions bearing down on me the more motivated I become to make sure we do not stray too far from our path...we simply don't have any other viable options...

I don't know if I wrote all of this to necessarily garner a response or just to get it out (perhaps a little of both)...as always I'm severely grateful for your presence...for always having an answer...for always keeping me encouraged...you know, I must admit it is getting more and more difficult to not share my life with you on a daily basis (physically, obviously...I suppose a more accurate term would be 'space')...I'm not complaining, just explaining...but, to use a phrase from our early days... "sooner than later" right comrade?...I guess the question is how 'soon' is (too) soon?...and given that question...where would that place us on the ceremony timeline...sooner than later as well...soon as before moving or soon as in after...? I absolutely consider you my King in every sense of the word...but I know a long time ago I made a promise to myself that I am so very tempted to disregard...I just want to be with you...period...that is all...if it sounds like I'm inconclusive in it's because I am (only a little though)...but what I'm not inconclusive about is the fact that I love you more today than yesterday (is that possible?Yeah, it is because I say so) and that next to the fact that I'm gaining more and more understanding with the Lord...preparing myself to participate (lead?!) in the struggle...just a few things that comfort me amongst the madness dear...I remain undeterred...

From Me to Mr. Man: 3/6/09

It seems awfully serendipitous that I began to read the Betty Shabazz book when I did...first of all, thank you...you operate in my subconscious quite frequently...second of all...it seems that I have been internally considering loss (quite a bit...Mrs. Shabazz knows loss...and that's what got me really thinking) lately...on surface, we are told to remember that "everything happens for a reason" particularly in death and other life catastrophes...I hate to admit it but it's hard to see the reason...wouldn't dare questioning the reasoning of the Lord, but..."why" is a thought that has crossed my head and heart frequently (to noone in particular) but this process has proved to be extremely cathartic (which is necessary for me) and I don't have the entire answer, but from a revolutionary and spiritual context (the dual perspective works...and probably should be the only perspective from which I operate from from here on out) loss is extremely inevitable...regardless of the type of loss, it is bound to happen...and you should know I'm framing this from the context of losing my father recently and then losing my really good friend at work...it helps to think of my father as at final peace...and it is better that I laid him to rest rather than the other way around...likewise, my friend will move on to a better position...we all know how damaging this environment here is to growth, creativity, truth, and intelligence...spiritually....I think of how the Lord instructed Lot and his family to leave the town (loss) and to never look back...of course...Lot's wife looked back and we know how that story ends...I think we have a lot to do in the present, a lot to focus on without looking back...as well looking back is bound to harbor pain and sorrow when we (humans) contextualize loss upon loss...if I am able to honestly accept that I have learned something from this loss...if from this loss, I am able to garner motivation to move forward...than the loss truly IS behind me, and I can instead focus on what I have gained as a result...you know in an even larger context, I have foresaw that when the movement starts moving, we are bound to lose comrades as well...so it's best to compartmentalize loss, and keep it movin...whew, I was working on that thought for a moment, lol...I just know that internally I have to make things like this right or externally I won't perform the way I need to...