A Decade Under The Influence

I haven't done something like this in a really long time. I haven't done a really introspective reflection of the year because I haven't desired to look in the past.

But a few moments ago it hit me like a ton of bricks that 2009 is signaling not only the end of a year, but the end of a decade. In 2000, I was just 15 years old. A 15 year old me. *chuckles*

A pony-tail and bang wearing, *NSync/Backstreet Boys/Spice Girls playing, Pokemon watching, not so secretly pining away for some random* dweeb (*okay he wasn't so random but even now, even in my diary it is tres embarrassing to admit I loved him then) , semi-confident, law-school bound version of me. In 2000, I didn't know much about anything, but I was armed with optimism. And that optimism carried me through...

2001 - 9/11, the collapse of the twin towers, a moment that changed me, physically, spiritually, and politically.
2002 - The year of my high school graduation, and the first night I spent away from home. I was woke all night. This was also the summer of the first party I went to unsupervised. Grreaat times. I learned that I hated being away from home. I never can sleep well.
2003 - The year of the freshman 15 (I enjoyed earning each pound), my first love, first kiss, first breakup, and first job.
2004 - My first college graduation, my first disappointment (not being able to afford college) and my first miracle (someone taking a chance on me and offering a grant to attend college). This was also the first time I fell in love hard- with my best friend. This was also the first time I was in a relationship with someone I was NOT in love with. Yeah, I was slowly inching towards my own little drama.
2005 - My first heartbreak occurred in the year my father had his first stroke. Roles switched in the house. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget how Chris was by my side on that day either. This year I prayed to God, that if he allowed me to get a job at the school, I would stay for 3 to 5 years, and lo and behold, my boss took a chance on me. I'll be entering my fifth year there in April.
2006 - I was grinding hard, and just learning to define who I was. I was in school working on my BA in Political Science full-time, working full-time. I was a one woman show.
2007- I had obtained my BA! My parents suprised me with the greatest party ever. What a lot of people don't know is in 2007 I had a dream that foretold what was to come. A black fog entered through my window. And in my dream I knew it was death. I screamed until I woke up only to find out that I was screaming in real life. Shortly thereafter, when I took my trip out of town to downstate Illinois, I was called back home. My father had fallen ill again. And it was stated that he would not make it. This transformed me. My optimism, that I entered the decade with, was at an all time low, and it was up to me to keep my family together.
2008- We moved. My family hustled on the bus, saved money, searched for apartments, and moved - without my father. Our lives still very much revolved around him, even though he was in a nursing home. After a brave, and long struggle, he faded away as greats do, despite our hopes and wishes. It was the worst of times.

However, on facebook there was a shining light. Some Black rapper kid talking about the state of Black people. He spoke of revolution. I never mustered up the courage to comment on his posts because they were THAT damn good. But he did inspire me to write my own. One day, I challenged him. And he challenged me back. We began to correspond and share our own passion and pain intertwined within the Black struggle. And love was born. It was the best of times.
2009- Another degree. Same job. Pops gone. Love hangover. Recession affected many people, and the term "staycation" entered my vocabulary.

2010- ???

In the next ten years, I can only hope to be married, with children, as well as a real public policy on urban education, specifically in elementary aged children, but given so many years I've worked at a college, I feel I'm qualified to speak to that too. Regardless of my hopes and dreams, I know that I can't get much done without strengthening my relationship with God, first and foremost. More importantly, my desire to contribute to the greater good is a noble goal. If I wrote down methods on how to reach my ultimate goals, its very well that I won't even stick to them. The only thing I can promise in 2010 is to continue to be the best me I can be.

Peace.

Still They Can't Focus On Them, They Be Talkin' Bout Me

So, Anna shared this with me via my facebook account, and its pretty much been the topic of discussion everywhere I've gone this weekend, so thanks! It's about unmarried Black women and attempts to tackle the question why are they unmarried. What ensues is an absolutely irresponsible story, that makes Black women look unwielding, high expectation, non-compromising divas & makes Black men look like an overly uneducated and jailed populace. Even more insulting, is comedian turned "relationship expert" Steve Harvey's suggestion (date an older man, perhaps a sugar daddy?). And last but not least, hey if you can't find the perfect Black man, fear not, because White is Right!

So, me being the little YouTuber I am...clicked the responses to see what the Web was buzzing about in regards to this clip from ABC and found this:



A clip even more disturbing and irresponsible than the first! Because now, Black women are the reason there are no Black men to marry because Black women sabotage them even in childhood.

The flaw in both videos is the failure to see the bigger picture. The fact is that the failure of successful unions for whatever reason is seriously detrimental to the subsequent families we should be trying to rear for the future that are capable of leading nations. We should be talking about cultural values and norms that are acceptable now which should not be (and they actually affect all races, not just Black people). To view the oppressor solely in terms of race is so antiquated, it's embarassing to even make the claim with a straight face as that reasoning just doesn't hold 100% true. Things are just not that simple.

In regards to nation-building, it does start within the home, it does begin with union, it does begin with reintegrating basic fundamentals into daily life...we (as a people)have gotten so far away from family, and community, that it is hard to even consider these fundamentals as "basic". Which is why when I preach revolution, I'm not speaking solely from the armed front of it all. (One says revolution, and for some reason, images of anarchy abound, and to set that record straight, anarchy and revolution are NOT equivalent terms) I mean a balanced revolution to destroy the institutions that are self serving (such as the media, ahem, ABC, NBC, etc. etc.) and to erect only those institutions that contribute to the greater good and the cause of educating people responsibly.

I really felt the need to address this, because, as one can see, there is plenty of foolishness out there. And it shows how easy it is to get distracted, as well as divided over what the real issues are. This world, is going nowhere fast. Yet, I feel responsible in contributing my talents to making things better.

Peace.

Love Is My Religion

I gotta say, having my old laptop (and all my music) has provided me with a happiness that I can't describe. You would think that since Mr. Man makes music he would understand why I love music and crave it the way that I do. I can do without movies and television as long as I have music.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. It is my yearly physical. I am not looking forward to it in the least. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing my doctor. She is a short, round, younger Asian lady. She's a sweetie. I tell her what's been going on in my life with relative openness and honesty. She gives me the lowdown without being judgemental or anything. I appreciate that so much. Nevertheless, I have been prepping for this appointment like a date. LOL. Yes I am one of those people. Best undies & shave-o-rama. No way will my body parts or underwear selection be the lunch topic of the day. And for those of you who don't think that really happens, it does. We do it at my job and we just work at a school.

My semi-New Year's plans that I had have faded away into nothingness, lol. I don't really celebrate per se, but I did want to invite a few friends over. Nothing too big. But the more and more I thought about it, the more I thought about how I couldn't do too much. Perhaps next year, when I live in my own dwelling I will be more open to it, but this year there would be too much to consider, in regards to sleep arrangements, activities, etc. My maternal side was showing a little TOO much (as it usually does) so I just tucked it away. :) I can't have anything on my conscience weighing me down.

Yesterday Mr. Man came and picked me up. I don't know why, but I was really excited to see him. I took an extra long time in the shower, put on make-up, and all of that preparation you do for someone you care about looking good in front of. I was looking pretty pretty in a casual kind of way. I felt good, too. We drove around, talking, and joking. Picked up his mom and sister. I noticed that we picked his mom up from the Brown Line. I made a mental note to be careful about what I talk about in public because for some reason, he has family EVERYWHERE, lol. We got settled in and saw Taken (which was GREAT, by the way). Eventually, his nephews came home, and my heart leapt at seeing those little rugrats. Yes, they are overactive, fight, and whine. But in my presence, they vie for my attention and they know the best way to get it is to BEHAVE. It's really cute. I really have a soft spot for those monsters, lol. We were sitting there watching Michael Jackson doing the moves from the Thriller video. I imagine if anyone saw us from outside they would think we were having epileptic seizures. But we were having fun. But then Matthew,the 4 year old, was telling me how the end of the video scared him. I was holding him and explaining how the men were just in costume and makeup, and that they weren't real. I wondered how is it I was in a house full of grownups and everyone disappeared leaving me with the kids, lol. Michael, the 9 year old, kept saying that Matthew was going to crap his pants. Matthew called Michael gay. Oh Black Jesus, why did he say that?! I told him to apologize, but Michael had already bound the stairs to tell, which made me mad. Then Matthew started crying because he knew he was gonna get in trouble. I was sitting on the couch with my mouth open like, how did this happen?!

Of course, there was yelling. Michael came back downstairs upset, and mumbling. I told him to not say things like that about his little brother. I got them to apologize to each other. But by the time I had the boys calmed down, their mother and grandmother were arguing about disciplining them. *rolls eyes* Hard to explain to little people how to behave when grown ups don't have the shit together for themselves. Anyway before I left, they gave me big hugs. Mr. Man came back in the house and was saying "Hey, y'all don't hug me!" LOL. It dawned on me how much I love those little kids.

When we got back to my place, me and Mr. Man had some things to discuss. I will share with you next entry, lol, I'm still thinking and haven't had a chance to make sense of much yet. But we reached a few conclusions. I was laying on my elbow talking to him with my eyes closed and he was looking at me. He was asking about my monthly visitor. Still hasn't visited. He was bragging about the fact that he knocked my cycle off course when we were on vacation. I rolled my eyes and replied that it wasn't ALL OF THAT. I peeked out of my eye to see if he was watching my facial expression as I said that. He said "Look at you can't even say it with a straight face." It's true, I was dying to bust out laughing. We never have problems in the bedroom. We generally don't have problems anyway, but we certainly never have problems there. We started talking about when we do have children. He said five years. I reminded him that just because he has a child and is keen on waiting doesn't mean I am. I expect to be having a child between 28 and 29. Not 30 or 32. He wants to be in the delivery room. I don't want him nowhere near the room. We settled on him being in the room but above the blanket, lol. I told him there is nothing he needs to see down there during childbirth. Eventually he agreed.

Why were we talking about that?! I don't know, lol. I still don't. But it's funny because we both have strong views about how stuff should go, until we talk about it and it always ends up being a compromise, lol. Children are absolutely not on the agenda no time soon, but still, when we discuss these things, its important to win the argument and set the basic premise, lol. From there its all about bragging rights baby. Oh yeah.

Holy crap. Two more days in 2009!

Peace...

Love Is A Shoulder To Lean On, Love Is You

For the Love of Ray J:2 is on VH1.

My life, my life, my life...hmmm...it's 2:00AM and I'm watching these girls be all heartbroken at not being chosen by freaking Brandy's brother. I mean that's his claim to fame - being Brandy's brother.

Although...when I was 13, Ray J. was a hottie! And yes, I'm ashamed to admit it, but you know I like to keep things as real as possible. I didn't know back then his claim to fame would end up being Brandy's brother and effing with Kim Kardashian (who profited way more from that situation than him, btw!)

But where was I? Ah, it's 2:00AM and I can't sleep.


Today was a very chill day. The past few days have been chill actually. After having a minor breakdown on 12/23, life seems to look a lot better. Breakdown? Yeah, in the midst of falling ice and rain I stared hard at my phone pondering who to call as the tears were falling, falling, falling, down my face. They had been filling up for days. I had been dangerously self-destructive in just about any relationship I found meaningful - PURPOSEFULLY I might add. To the point where Mr. Man blatantly said he was not familiar with the person he was dealing with - in fact, he was confused. And as much as that hurt to hear - I didn't really modify my behavior, until the conversation went in another direction entirely. This was 7 days ago.

You see, I could kind of rationalize about Lisa "Left-Eye" burning a dude's crib down because he didn't get her some sneakers. Because I was really seriously having the fits over not going to see The Princess & The Frog. And had I completely cracked up, her-story would have painted me as crazily as it painted Left-Eye. Her-story would not have dug deeper to reveal the thoughts swirling in my sub-conscious as I was just trying to make sense of the fact (and verbalize) that I didn't feel like Mr. Man was holding up his end of the bargain. And it caused me to act out. Talk back. Or go silent. Glare. Pout. Whine. Anything to avoid bearing all of those bloddy emo-emotions. Not me, no how, nuh uh.

Digging deeper, past that, I missed my dad. And I don't like to talk about it. People ask, and I say I'm good, I'm fine, but how the fuck could I be? He's gone, and he's just gone.

Add that to a late cycle (wouldn't this just be a marvelous time to find out I was carrying a human inside of me?) God can be mighty non-humorous in that kind of way. I mean right when I'd lined all my duckies in a row: looking for a new (better paying) job, moving out, going to school, getting rid of my debt - now I have to wonder "Where oh where has dear Aunt Flo gone?" :/

Ball of confusion, is what I was, and I didn't reach a tipping point until 12/23. I just remember being emotionally at my lowest. Bawling my eyes out on the bus. And not just crying, but, the kind of crying when you actually can't breathe because the tears are just coming through that strongly? Yep, that was me. I remember feeling lonely - wayy lonely, and good for not much of anything, at least not in an emotionally unstable that I was in. I got home, and of course, though I tried; I couldn't hide my tear stained face from Mama. I ate some soup, got my hug, and laid in the bed watching Everybody Hates Chris. Finally, Mr. Man called me. He had been working 12 hour days at work, and asked how my day was. I told him the truth. There was silence on the other end of the line, before he asked "What would you like me to do? Do you need anything?" At that moment, I realized that I loved this man even if he was always late, super cheap, and sometimes totally incapable of understanding that I want to feel tended to from time to time by him. He's a good man. He believes in God. Tries to get to church every week. He's nice to his Mama. And he wants to save the world as badly as I do. That is the bottom line saving grace of our union; our commitment to something way larger than ourselves. The fact that he would dart over to my house (sans car) after a 12 hour shift at work to spend even an hour with me, to turn around, get home by midnight, get 3 hours of sleep, and go back to work for another 12 hour shift snapped me out of it. That, a long talk with God, and sleep.

The few days since then have been progressively better. Life looks better when you're on a 10 day paid vacation from work. As well, it's better to just come to some base decisions...and as an old friend of mine says "Every now and again its good to take a calculated risk." Again, I'm hardly one for resolutions, but I'm not playing around in 2010. I'ma be trying to Barack Obama my way into 2010 - just give me three months to set the course of my domestic policy, dig?

Today, I experienced something truly wonderful. Mr. Man - with renewed attentiveness to EVERYTHING I ask for, or even seemingly think - was leaving. Hesitant to do so- and ever so apologetic, he explained the activities of the evening.He had a hot date to get to on the other side of town with a very demanding woman. His 4 year old daughter is one tough cookie. And I had heard her voice only twice before, once when Mr. Man allowed her to call me and say hello, and another time very randomly. Today Mr. Man put the phone on speakerphone while she was speaking and my heart melted. Literally, as if I wasn't already feeling, well, positively positive, that took the cake. She was excitedly jabbering about a surprise she had for him, which she let him know was cake, lol. He told her he had surprise to, as she guessed at it: "The Princess & The Frog?" I chuckled to hear that I wasn't the only one who was giving him shit about the movie, lol (even though we did see it!) as he tried to explain it wasn't on DVD so he couldn't bring it to her (at least a legit version :P) I was so delighted to hear her voice. Mr. Man could tell.

Hearing her reminded me that the things we do, really do have very real effects in the here and now. Our efforts matter. The daily struggle is necessary. We make small sacrifices now to perhaps have a better life in the future, and even if WE don't our children will. So we work the overtime, get the degrees, and pay our dues however The Powers That Be deem appropriate.

I don't know what is seeming to be special about 2010. It could be another year - same old thing. But maybe it's my oath, promise, that I'm making to myself (I'm actually buying MYSELF a promise ring) that I'm going to do whatever it takes to be wherever I need to be.

Peace...

A Regular Modern Day Shakespeare

Call them early new year's resolutions or what not, but I really do feel like I am close to figuring out some things about my so-called life.

For the most part I feel really positive. And that means something considering the past few days I have felt crappy about just about everything.

Things are looking up though.

I had a phone interview with a small private institution downtown yesterday. That made me feel a little better about myself. I am grateful for my job, but having a phone interview with someone whose actually seen my resume, doesn't know me (or my mother, lol) and actually expressed real interest in me felt good.
I've done a lot to build up my resume. I do take pride in my career because education is my passion. I spoke to the HR director at this school. The conversation was brief, she asked about my experiences. I let her know that a few of her colleagues actually now work where I do. She seemed excited at that fact. She let me know that if the select me to interview for the position of Registrar, I would interview with the Vice President of Academic Affairs, two Associate Deans, and the director of HR. As far as salary, I told them I expected no less than upper 40's, even though I am sure my father would have pushed me to go for the flat 50K. LOL. My dad had great faith in his children.

I miss him terribly. It doesn't necessarily get easier, just something you decide is more bearable some days than others.

I'm looking to do things that make me feel positive. I hate to say it like that, but the truth is, I like to volunteer because it makes my soul feel good.

This may be a passing joy, but today I feel good. :)

It Was Just My Imagination...Running Away With Me

I'm watching Real Chance of Love 2.

Major life fail, lol.

Anyway, I wanted to post this poem I really fell in love with a few days ago by Nikki Giovanni. I pretty much effing love her.

"choices" by nikki giovanni

if i can't do

what i want to do

then my job is to not

do what i don't want

to do

it's not the same thing

but it's the best i can

do

if i can't have

what i want . . . then

my job is to want

what i've got

and be satisfied

that at least there

is something more to want

since i can't go

where i need

to go . . . then i must . . . go

where the signs point

through always understanding

parallel movement

isn't lateral

when i can't express

what i really feel

i practice feeling

what i can express

and none of it is equal

i know

but that's why mankind

alone among the animals

learns to cry

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

This may be the rare occasion, that I post twice in one day.

I'm so thrown right now I could spit.

But that's severely unladylike.

First of all, my medication for my heartburn - has been gone for 3 weeks. I haven't felt it 'til today. Well, actually since Saturday, but it seems the worst today. I felt good in the shower..otherwise I've felt pretty darn icky. I've told myself that I will call the pharmacy and try to hustle my way into a third refill. But I don't want to do that. Be dependent on a drug to feel better.

When all I really probably need to do is SCREAM OUT LOUD!

Occasionally, my heartburn is brought on by stress. Alright, most times it is brought on by stress. But normally I could pin that stress on my mom and keep it moving. But not today.

Me & Mr. Man haven't been seeing eye to eye on our future lately. I'm aggravated that our time together is so short, and I'm not convinced it's quality time. This weekend we went to church together, and then he went home. I opted out of going to his side of town, because I have silently promised that I'm not going back to his place until he cleans up. The other thing is, there's nothing to do once I get there. He has no cable and his internet is off right now. His roommate moved out only for his uncle to seemingly move in. Again, I silently resolved that I would cut my time severely because I don't want to be there when other people are. I've always had problems with that. I can't even have sex the way I want to have sex if I know his uncle is there.

Long story short, I didn't go with him to his house.

The other thing is, I ride the bus all week. His car isn't working. The last thing I want to worry about is how I'm getting home. So yeah, my room is warm, clean, well equipped for my entertainment purposes..uh yeah I'm staying right where I am comfortable.

Plus - my black ass was tired. Do you know that negreaux had the nerve to ask me what have I done for the "movement" lately?

Wha-?

I can't even begin to think about the movement - because the movement isn't in my immediate (tomorrow) future. So no, I'm sorry. I can't think about the movement, because I'm thinking about your non-chalant attitude in registering for school. I'm worried about Iggy and this situation concerning your daughter. There's not enough money between us. You need help making rent as it is. I'm worried that I have no damn business being so worried about this stuff that doesn't directly concern me but yet you walk around stress-fucking-free.

I think, and I think, and I think about he, and I, and us so often. I'm the one continually molding my future to make sure he is included. But lately I feel like I'm the ONLY one accommodating and changing and remaining flexible. Like I'm the only one going without to make sure I can actually move next year.

And I'm tired.

And he had the nerve to talk about moving a wedding up.

Now you know on top of rolling my eyes my eyebrow stood up too straight.

Now while he's talking about moving a wedding up, I didn't hear him talk about a ceremony. And how planning for that would need to start like now. :/

I'm
not
changing
the
date.

We NEED the year.

And speaking of dates..on top of all of this bullshit I have been feeling lately, I thought, at least we could look forward to seeing The Princess and The Frog together. Say what you like about it, but I make it my business to see a Disney cartoon movie, and I always will. They make me feel good inside. And when I found out there would be a Black princess, I was so happy and anticipating this movie for two years. I haven't had a lot of extra money lately, but I had a free ticket to AMC theaters, and I was going to fix a box lunch so we could still munch on food.

But most importantly I was going to have a date with my honey. We haven't been on a date in forever and then some. We go out, but nothing like "let me come scoop you up and do the dinner and a movie thing." So I was excited.

Somehow, the Sunday I had been looking forward to turned into a day of fuckery.

I woke up and my stomach was hurting. Due to my stress and heartburn. But then it's noon. No call from Mr. Man. So I call him. He tells me that we'll go to the movie theater by my house. Cool. I thought I heard him say his mom and sister would be joining us, but that didn't register with me, until he came to pick me up. I was not ready. The last thing I knew when we spoke was that he would be at my house in a few hours. So of course he shows up, I'm not ready. And now I'm cranky.

Then we have to all squish into his uncle's cardeathtrap, lemon, jalopy, etc.

Close quarters+5 Black people = not a good setup.

His mom & sister don't really like each other. So they were arguing and rolling their eyes. I like them all about the same but because I'm really ticked that my date isn't going as planned they are all irritating the shit out of me. But I trudge along, afterall, at least we are together.

Then we get to the theater. We buy tickets - I'm beginning to get into it after inhaling the popcorn smell and seeing Princess Tiana's smiling face. And he purchases tickets for Ninja Assasins. Fucking. Ninja. Assassins.

Seriously?!

#*(&)(!?*!!)(*!@<>@*!

At this point, I'm really really mad beyond comprehension and wanted to walk out. Matter of fact, I did walk out because in the first scene someone's head is sliced clean off. I thought I would puke. My stomach was already percolating and hot from heartburn.

Anyway, I sat through this movie. The upside, was that this Korean actor also known as Rain was FINE and I engaged in naughty,naughty thoughts of those abs. I mean shorty is a 10. :)

And that wrapped my weekend. I need to find some other hobbies to get into or something because right now I feel too close to everything going on. Feeling too stressed and not enjoying much of anything. I spend my days wishing they were over just to get to the weekend, for peace, and Mr. Man. But I don't want to do that anymore. It's getting old. If he wants to get up with me he's going to have to do what everyone else does: make an effort.

He equates making an effort with spending money. And I don't. There are thousands of things we could do together that don't involve money. This concept seems abstract to him.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm with a a-hole. Because I'm not. I love him dearly. I'm just a little fed up and wanting to feel some affection outside of the physical.

That is all.

Peace...

It's A Family Affair

I can't put my finger on it, but this Sly & The Family Stone is what I'm on right now.

The 70's.
Big hair.
Bold colors.
Big ideas.

But most importantly...Real music.

Sly & The Family Stone get me so inspired I can't even properly put it into words.



Back then, music didn't have to be 4 or 5 minutes long, or even have an accompanying video to express a point.

I hate to say it, but most of the music nowadays doesn't inspire me to do anything but turn the radio off.

But, thank Black Jesus for YouTube and Itunes. At least I can download what I like to hear.

Speaking of Black Jesus, I went to church today.

Yes, I know it's Saturday, but I keep the Sabbath. And for me, the Sabbath is on the last day of the week, which is Saturday, not Sunday.

I posted my anti-Christmas message on FB the other day. I feel really awkward when people wish me a Merry Christmas and I mumble a half-hearted "thank you." I don't know if I should just politely say "Oh, I don't celebrate Christmas." I've tried doing that before.

But then I get blank stares followed by "Ohhhh - are you atheist?"

Um, no. I'm not an atheist.

But for those who DO celebrate Christmas (and can't imagine why anyone else wouldn't want to), I simply ask them to show me in scripture where Jesus asks to be remembered in that way. End. of. conversation. People can't show it to me because it's nowhere in scripture. If anything, in Jeremiah 10, Jesus purposely advises what not to do. Even the most basic history book will say that Christmas is a pagan celebration. Well the most basic history book, or Huey from the Boondocks:



Heck, maybe I'll just show everyone who asks this YouTube.

Peace...

What We Talkin' Bout?

"We on life support
Can you hear it beeping?
This love that we have
Is slowly creeping..."

It's not the greatest piece ever written, but that would have to be the first bout of poetry I've had in years. I know it's only four lines, and it may never evolve into a full blown piece. But it means something to me at 5:45AM on this wintry morning. Among firsts this morning, this is the first day I've written three days in a row in a long time.

I realized I made a big guffaw a few days ago. I applied for an advisor position at Anonymous University in Chicago. I looked at the cover letter as I was applying for the position of Registrar at another Anonymous University, when I realized that my cover letter was good. Great even. It just wasn't tailored for the specific job posting. It was in some places, but overall it wasn't. Naturally I caught it and said:

F*&%)($*!

I'm a little bothered by the fact that my career services advisor from my graduate school gave me an "A-OK" on the cover letter! Granted, she didn't see the full job description so to her, it may have looked good, even great, but I caught it.

Le sigh. Rookie mistake.

I guess that's God's way of telling me to slow it down some.

Don't get me wrong. I love my actual job. Salary is decent. It could ABSOLUTELY be more (way more) for what I'm doing, but I've always reasoned that I trade off for salary for relative flexibility and freedom (at least under my immediate supervisor) His boss is a total and complete douchebag dickhead.

Yes, he's a chocolate Milk-Dud douchebag dickhead lookin' boy. 'Member that song? "Lookin' Boy?" Idk if it was just a midwestern thang or not so I'll post it. Take that into the 2010 if you like.



But uh, the real reason I'm looking to move up or move on, is because I really DO believe I do way more that I should get paid for (which I will not get compensated for) the way our contract is written. Our contract (I'm in a union) is soon to be up for negotiations. I'm not looking forward to it, because our union leaders are way more likely to sell us out than anything. I keep saying I hope to be long gone by then.

Besides money, it's hard for me to complete school for my teaching certification taking one class at a time. :/ The longer it takes for me to graduate, the farther away I feel I am from pursuing my real dream. I don't want to make it seem like I'm not happy to be working at a time where most aren't - I am.

But I'm not happy to not be as active in pursuing my dream as I could be. For now, I must contribute my talents to completing this degree, and possibly supplementing my work with meaningful volunteer opportunities so I don't get out of practice. We shall see...

And now for a random ass rant:

Why do they call the boyfriend sweater a boyfriend sweater? My boyfriend don't wear sweaters, let alone open cardigans. My boyfriend's sweater is a university sweatshirt he can't fit so he lets me wear it. The funny thing is his school sweater doesn't fit him but it fits meeeeee, lol.

Speaking of boyfriends, I feel so- soooo lately. I know that it's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along - hey wait that's a Maroon 5 song!!

But stillllll - well I never feel like I'm unloved. I won't and can't even say that. Sometimes though, I just feel like a little romance wouldn't kill me. He is romantic on occasion. In his own way. But lately I just feel like, he feels like he doesn't have to continually put work in.

Like I'm the part of his life that's just there. Like I'm a low maintenance plant. Like I'm a cactus!

Sure, you can LOVE the plant, but a cactus requires little of anything to survive in its own little happy environment. I feel like a cactus. Granted I love him something fierce, and will always go out of my way to show it. But I don't feel the same thing coming from him. I haven't been pressing him on it because it's been one thing after another (car, child support, rent- well at least one thing after another to him). We're beat, exhausted, and poor. The whole world seems to be coming down on us awfully hard sometimes, and it becomes more and more apparent that in this thang - this love thang, we all we got. I just wish things were more reciprocated. Lately it seems like even though he has a phone now when we talk the conversation tapers off before I can say much of anything because he's tired. So what am I going to tell him? "Hey fool, stay on the phone long enough so YOU can hear about MY day?" Nooo! But I am saying it wouldn't be too bad for him to delay sleep long enough for me to talk about it without feeling bad about keeping him up longer :/

Le sigh. Le love. Can't live without it...

Peace...

Bills, Bills, Bills

I've been thinking so much about being financially set before the end of the year that it dawned on me that one of my brothers has been unemployed at least one full year, and my other brother has been unemployed for about half a year.

Both have Bachelor's degrees.

So, as their sister, I look at them proudly. Two Black men that have their B.A. degrees, have never had problems with the law, and are childless.

But yet they are unemployed.

How do you address something like that? From their perspective, they must be looking at my parents sideways. What happens when you follow the straight and narrow and still come up short in this world?

I don't ever really know what to say to them. It's a slippery slope that is often frustrating. I do understand sometimes when they get frustrated with me, because on one level I can't relate.

I've never been unemployed. Ever.

But on the other hand, I understand that they need to be working, because right now, there is a financial strain in this household with them not working. It's kind of rough. I'm personally, at my wit's end, but I trudge forward and send them jobs that I deem appropriate for them. They've even been rejected from Mickey D's, Wally-Mart. (Although, my theory is, Mickey D's and Wally-Mart are not necessarily seeking those with an education to work there.)

Sigh.

In other news, Mr. Man is attempting to go at the system. His check is being chopped up in about 50gazillion ways (okay, really only two) and he has (finally!) decided that enough is enough. Lord knows he is an intelligent man, but I often wonder what takes him so long to reach the most logical of conclusions. The latest involves a matter regarding medical support that is being taken out of his paycheck. He makes a decent bi-weekly check without child support being taken out, but even then, his check is still bearable. With this latest medical support coming out, he's been struggling. His struggle equals my struggle because of course I help as I can. But given what I already described above in regards to my own financial situation, I don't have much help to give. His roommate moved out, and he is getting by on the bare minimums. Literally. I'm talking noodles in cup minimum. So, he expressed this to his daughter's mother. She in turn takes the high road and says "I will tell the state that our daughter is getting medical insurance." Allegedly, she faxed some sort of paperwork in to "the state." However, when Mr. Man inquired further, it was as if she couldn't be bothered to answer his questions - rant rant rant, hang up and they aren't talking anymore. :/ So, the question is, what did she fax (exactly) and who did she fax it to?

Finding information online, is horrendous. If Mr. Man were a deadbeat dad and a dog, there is plenty of information available - "Girl's Guide How To Get His Ass". And don't get me wrong, tons of men out there deserve to be got. He ain't one of them. To be labeled as the (gasp) non-custodial parent is a dirty dirty word. I know plenty of men who are trying to do the right thing in regards to their kids, but once the state gets involved I could see how they become disinterested. You do your best to make sure the child doesn't get harmed but it's inevitable, particularly when the state isn't trying to help you, or the other party involved isn't trying to help you. I wish (and maybe one day) may even be called to gather and create resources for the non-custodial parent. Because this ish right here is a trip that I didn't get the proper luggage for.

In the meantime, what we can do on our own we will. We've acquired the proper paperwork required to enforce visitation (praise Black Jesus!) and basically end the reign of terror that has been the last four years of this child's life in regards to the constant tug of war.

Question: Why does it always seem to be a battle of some sort going on?

Peace...

Never Knew I Needed

I've got to admit that I am simply excited to see The Frog Princess (I hope I typed that right. Idk why I want to keep naming it The Princess & The Frog story. I love Ne-Yo's song for this movie.

Granted, it doesn't seem to match the rest of the movie, but I still love this song. I've mentally placed it on the "Wedding" playlist. I know, it's a year away, but still, a girl's gotta plan.

And planning is what I've been doing. I'm proud to announce that I'm registered for my next quarter of classes that start in January. I really can't afford any less than an A. I'll be taking the Philosophy of Education. I tend to do well in Philosophy courses, so I hope the same will hold true for this course. I'm just one of those people who always do well in school. I will most likely always be enrolled in some kind of course because school centers me. The more things on my plate to be tackled translates into me being more focused. I'm a strange bird. I know!

Like a multi-million dollar corporation, it's important for my financial books to balance out at the close of this year. I have been humping lately with my bills. Honestly, the lil' Willowbrook excursion was something I had been saving for, but such a huge chunk of money non-dedicated to bills messed with me mentally. I don't consider myself to be uber-cheap, but I will say in the past few years of my adulthood I've tried to become more fiscally conscious. Perhaps it's a psychological way of preparing myself for full, unadulterated independence. Idk. Save for the occasional splurge on myself in the form of a new outfit or getting my hair done, I'd say I'm thrifty. My laptop? Bought it from QVC thanks to Flex-Pay. I used to be kind of embarrassed to admit to shopping from QVC, but not anymore. Listen: I'm not trying to keep up with the Joneses. I'm just trying to live my life the best way I know. And if I buy something I need and pay it off in 5 installments, so what, lol.

I've not been aggressive at all with it, but, I am starting to apply for new jobs. I'm trying to get myself in the mental state that I'm not going to be at my job forever. It's hard to believe I have been there for seven years. It hasn't been bad to me. Just now the one thing that is being compromised is my ability to complete my grad program in a timely manner. Right now I can only afford to take one class at a time because of the time I take off from work, since I work until 7PM and the bulk of my classes are at 5:30PM or 6:00PM. So, I'm putting myself out there realizing that besides a higher salary - I really just need to work a regular schedule. We shall see though. I am certainly grateful to have a good ass job considering. No job doesn't have it's stupid shit to put up with, but for the most part I try to remind myself it's just 8 hours and I won't be there forever.

I lost my glasses last week and had to go to America's Best to get some more. Well I didn't HAVE to go to America's Best. But they were the only place I knew I could get in on Saturday, and possibly have 2 pairs of glasses before the next week. Of course, I bought two pairs of glasses. The 2 for $69 is just the cost of frames. Uh duh. With lenses, and coating and what not, it can be close to $200. I politely told the salesman I didn't need all that bullshit, I just want to be able to see. At best, I may go back to get anti-reflective coating. I ended up spending $156.00 which is somewhat reimbursable by my vision plan. In the minute though it really hurt my wallet and heart. I should be getting my frames this weekend. I've said that perhaps it would just be best to keep one pair of glasses at work, and my other glasses at home. When I get some extra money I'm going to go to Four Eyes and get some prescription sunglasses. :) That should have me set for the next three, four years. I got my last glasses when my friends had their wedding shower, so its been about three years. Spread out over time, the investment is worth it.

Some days I feel really good about where I am in life. Some days not so much. I realized it's December and I'm still carless. Largely, because I'm still taking my sweet time in getting my permit. I have my Rules of the Road, and I have my Driver's Ed disc that Mr. Man bought me, but still, I've somehow procrastinated in getting it done. If it's going to get done I have to get it done this holiday break. I will just be disappointed if I can't put that feather in my cap for this year's accomplishments.

Peace...