He Loves Me

I hadn't told Mr. Man about my insecurities and doubts. It didn't seem fair. I know I probably should have - but we had previously spoken on how we're linked and if I do have a problem with something or don't feel good about something; then it affects him worse than it affects me. He had mentioned how it's one of the few things that really affects him deeply.

But he knew something was very wrong and he heard it in my voice. I won't go into extreme detail about what initiated the self-doubt, but more importantly doubt in the legitimacy of my relationship.He became a one man Emergency Room. He tried to be funny. He tried to talk about our future children. He tried to talk about how ignorant his daughter's mother is. He tried to talk about everything that might make me respond or laugh. Nothing. My heart was too busy aching and I was so mixed up inside. I didn't even want to see him because I felt if I did I might actually cry.

The following morning we spoke on my way to work - and I only sounded slightly better. After going to my desk, and getting settled in, Mr. Man called and asked what time I might be going to lunch. I told him 1:00. When I was in the back room speaking to my boss about a file, one of my co-workers told me someone was up front to see me. When I went up front, it was none other than Mr. Man! I was so surprised I could do nothing but smile. He went and surprised me for lunch. And what a surprise it was. And how NOSEY were my co-workers, lol. It was a nice thing for him to do - a small thing, but so very nice and overwhelming. I truly wasn't expecting it. He was impressed with the college. (I guess I'm not so much because I know all of the stinky bullshit that goes on behind closed doors, lol, but it's so nice to know at least it seems nice to someone who doesn't know better!)

Lunch was brief. I didn't want it to end at all because I didn't feel like we even talked about anything relevant (not that we had to.) He is wearing a sling because he injured his shoulder in basketball. I felt so incredibly sorry that he was traveling all handicapped and what not. He was telling me how he wasn't worried about his arm as worried as much as he was about me and he needed to see me to check in.

He left me a book, and a video, and a picture he had photoshopped and printed from Kinko's for my cubicle. It was the right size and everything. I had always been sort of in-between about posting a picture of us up in my cubicle - not that I'm embarrassed at all- but just extremely private. But I put my picture up right away because it was just the thoughtfulness of the whole afternoon. The repercussions of that one action are so long reaching - I'm not sure even he knows how much it mattered - or maybe he does and that's why he did it. I couldn't think of a time I loved him more than I did yesterday. He really came through for me in a pinch.

Later, we had a pretty big debriefing about the cause of the downward spiral during our daily nightly conversation. We spoke about things in our typical manner. And I laughed. And I smiled. And he could hear it and felt better - worlds better.

Regardless of the manner of how we got together, regardless of the swiftness of the union - something is so right about us being together anything else doesn't make quite as much sense. We just fit. We don't have to but we do. And that works for me. And he makes me deliriously happy. This is the person I've consciously chosen to spend the rest of my life (God-willing of course) with. I am glad.

I love him. But more importantly, he loves me. And that is the best feeling in the world.

Mahogany

SO. AMAZING. Mahogany, the movie stars Diana Ross as Tracey, urban girl with dreams of being an international fashion phenom, and Billie Dee Williams as Brian, resident politician and revolutionary. It's a catch 22 presented in this movie: is it better to be successful? What is success? And how successful can you be with nobody to share it with? What comes first, the chicken or the egg? Mr. Man and I watched it in the very beginning of our relationship as an exercise, but I believe I'm going to watch it on my own with a more critical eye.

As I contemplate my feelings (selfish? maybe.) I need to look really really hard at the people around me and consider if they're capable of being there for me, and providing the same quality of camaraderie I provide. I'm looking at every single relationship right now because I can't lose myself. Not here, not now, there are far too many things on the line.

I considered that some of my doubts/fears are arising from the peanut gallery. Momentarily I'm shutting everybody out whose name isn't Renee. Sorry Mom (and everyone else), but if you ain't me, and ain't getting ready to be me - right now, this is all about me.

Do You Feel Me?

It's not often, but from time to time I really cast doubts about the decisions I make in this life.

I'm so very tired.

I want to run away. Not too far. Nowhere exotic. This bug called the swine flu has pretty much quieted any internal desires to vacation somewhere beachy and sunny anytime soon. I want to run away far enough so people will miss me. I don't know if it's PMS or an honest to goodness feeling I've been having that sometimes my actions are unappreciated.

Far be it for me to feel taken for granted right? I often consider the minuscule trials and tribulations I encounter as being monumental, enough to afflict my mental and spiritual being - but then I think about Jesus Christ. No blasphemy, but, I liken myself to Jesus only a reminder that I should hold fast to my faith and when I feel like I'm alone, I know the Lord is with me - and encountered more in his 33 years in his life as a human than I will ever encounter positive and negative. Talk about unappreciated? Jesus' own people turned him over to be executed! Be that as it may - I still feel like I co-exist with people who think I'll always be around. Chris is one of these people - but its hard to measure his transgressions because we don't talk half as much as we used to.

I think part of that is my own fault though. I make it easy for people to come to me because I feel the need to help people. I give of myself until there is little to nothing left. That characteristic really went into overdrive when my father was sick. It seemed as if I was compensating for the things I might not had done while he was well, and felt I could atone in his sickness.

And then came Mr. Man. It has been said by my family members, specifically - that my relationship with Mr. Man was a transference of sorts - I clung to my father, and then I clung to Mr. Man.

I've been mulling over this thought a lot recently. What made me consider it was going out to dinner with my friend Kim the other night. We were talking about counseling - and I started thinking that I might benefit from starting up a round of counseling. Though I have not been abused (physically or mentally) I have experienced tragedy - and I'm not convinced that I'm whole. I understand that my father is gone and I can't get him back. But I don't understand my Superhero complex. I don't understand how I don't just offer help to people around me - I practically force it upon people. And because I spend the most time around him, I see myself falling into a pattern of "helping" Mr. Man - in little ways; reminding him to do this, staying on him to do that, purchasing things if he mentions it - and I guess at the beginning I found that these were things I should do. I love him, want him to be successful. I thought that his dreams and visions were so beautiful that I could just help him color in the remaining pieces - but what about my visions? And if I help him color in his visions - can I really count on him to help me color in mine? I adore Mr. Man, and I believe absolutely anyone can see that. He does love me too. So I can't say I don't know how he really feels about me - but lately things just seem so damn predictable I could scream. Sometimes it feels like if I don't start a conversation about something that needs to happen (outside of a revolutionary context), or suggest something - things won't get done. I've done my best to make sure this time he has been unemployed has been as seamless as possible, but I've found that lately I'm feeling more and more empty inside. And if I don't get the gratification I think I should receive - at least I can get laid. But if we don't have sex - I immediately get upset, like that's the least I should receive. It seems like in my thinking there are big potholes but I'm not sure where they originate from, or if they're even related.

I want to talk about these things, but I feel like people around me will want to say they knew that Mr. Man was using me, or how they knew we wouldn't last. I don't believe anyone is being used - I just feel like I've given Mr. Man tons of examples of how my efforts should be reciprocated. I don't care about money - but he's an intelligent, creative, beautiful spirit - he can come up with things. Besides myself - there's nothing I've invested more time in than this relationship. I love this man and I want to marry him and spend my life with him, and I don't even want to modify my behavior a lot. I just don't want to feel like I'm being played for a fool.

It's Like A Dream To Me

The past few days have been the best ever.

Yesterday Mr. Man and I were planning our trip to Aruba.

Yes, Aruba, lol. Let's take that back a little bit. A few weeks ago he went to one of those resort thingies they send you in the mail. We live in Chicago. This was out in Plainfield or something. For a person who works - taking a day off to go in the middle of nowhere...it doesn't work. Especially if you don't know what to you expect. His mom was trying to discourage him from going, but, determined to win his $44,000 (that's what he would tell me every time he would talk about going) Mr. Man went. The bad news is that he didn't win $44,000. But he did get two trips, an Am. Ex. card, and a gas card. We decided that since he isn't working right now it would be a good idea to give one of the trips to his mom. It's an all expenses paid trip to Las Vegas or Orlando. My mom doesn't travel and doesn't expect a whole lot for Mother's Day so that's pretty much how we made that decision.

The trip we kept for ourselves was the 5 day 4 night trip to either Hawaii, Jamaica, Puerto Rico, or Aruba. We chose Aruba. We figured that there was no real interest in Puerto Rico, Jamaica or Hawaii we could go to any good old time. Aruba is the furthest away -a small island right by Venezuela I think. Mr. Man says it'd be good to use this trip for our honeymoon. I thought that was pretty slick of him to slide it into the conversation like that, lol. The thought of being whisked away after my wedding to Aruba is a good look. :)

Otherwise, I'm loving this weather. I'm just loving life right now. Home is good, work is good, and Mr. Man is always good.I'm all good!

In A Perfect World...

I usually don't do two blog posts in a day (not lately anyway) but I had two youtubes/videos I wanted to share. First, a trailer for a movie by Alex Jones entitled The Obama Deception.



I support Obama, the person. I really do. But, I'm always suspicious of those in power, particularly those that occupy the seat of the President. America just isn't as free as most would like to believe. I'm not against Obama, per se, but I am against deception, and especially oppression. If I find that Obama is taking part in either of those two, I consider them crimes against the people, and I find it hard for him to be a friend of mine.

On the flip side, the people have a lot to do with the way this country is being run. We are so tuned into our I-Pods and PDA's, our internet, our texting - and yet we are still the most misinformed or uninformed bunch on the planet. Why is that? More people have cable with access to a variety of alternate information, but we still just don't have a clue of what's going on. Why is that? The bottom line is, we are a country of complexes: military complex, prison complex...the first amendment is being challenged with every day a civil liberty is stripped away. When does it end? Why do we stand for it? So, no. I'm not for Obama, if Obama is for corporate bankers, reducing my civil liberties, and aligning with Europe. I'm not with Obama, I'm not with Bush - fuck being called a democrat or a republican, because at the end of the day - it's just us, the people. And with each day that we remain disconnected from the information, we lose our power. All power, belongs to the people, at all times. We must not forget this key fact.

Just think people. Think beyond what's told to you. Always.

The second, (a little less serious) is a trailer for Twitter:



I mean for real, wtf is Twitter? I don't know if this officially shows how old I am, but I don't understand the shit. It seems like a colossal waste of time. And makes me go back to my original statement: this society is genuinely disconnected. We're not divided. Because when it comes right down to it, we all want the same things. We're just disconnected.

It's difficult to have such a passion to want to give my life to this thing bigger than myself, and not have people understand why. As long as I can remember, I have felt that my role in this lifetime is to serve the people. I find joy in it. I'm not motivated to do it because it pays well. I just want this world to be a slightly better world for my children to inhabit. What's the crime in that?

Right Under My Feet Is Air Made Of Bricks

It's been getting more and more difficult to write lately.

The sun is shining. The weather is warming to a legitimate and acceptable April weather, and last Saturday Mr. Man and I were actually able to go to the park and just shoot the breeze like one of those old couples you always see on the Hallmark channel just sitting on the bench laughing and basking in the sunshine.

Before engaging in full out PDA with all of the touching and feeling and what not.

I remember us stopping at one point and him saying "Kids.." And I said "Who brings kids to the park anyway? What the hell?! Stopping my rotation!" lol.

The one thing that could very well get us in trouble is our random hooking up in public places. How to explain that to anyone...a 25 year old and 31 year old get caught in the moment...that wouldn't really look good for my career as an activist would it? Nope, not one bit. I was thinking about that the other day. What makes the hookup so fun anyway? I think it's the guilt (you're so not supposed to have sex on a playground, or the park, or the beach) mixed with the hype (but you might get caught) mixed with the adventure (why wait? here is here and now is now) mixed with the serious hotness (seriously, I can't think of one of those occasions from last year without picking up the phone and asking 'Got 5 minutes?')

We walked to Walgreens to get condoms (or condominiums as I call them, lol) and spent half an hour discussing what brand to purchase. I can't stand how he always wants to be cheap on something like condoms. I don't like LifeStyles. I don't like the standard Trojans (they're dry). M A G N U M S. That's the only brand we can ever use because first of all, you don't even fit the other brands. But, because he'll be so caught up on how Magnums are twice as expensive he'll look like "Why don't we like the other ones?" And I always respond "Well first of all they don't fit and break before you've even put it on all the way." Then he just looks at me and I'll always say "Are you saying these are too good for my vagina? Nothing's too good for my vagina. Only the best goes inside this vagina. Never forget that." But in all seriousness, Magnums should be sold like 64 to a box. I'd be good for at least two months. Maybe even three. But they make you spend more money by spending 14 dollars for 12 condoms. Yes, I know, we were breaking the math down in Walgreens. I know people were walking by like "WTF?"

As usual - Mr. Man and I are getting on just fine. May is approaching, and he's supposed to start working soon. I sure hope so. He confided that one of the reasons he was able to relax a little was because I was being so calm and supportive. I have no real reason to be any other way. I know how the economy is. It's not easy for anyone right now. And, it's not like he hasn't done all the appropriate things: he's getting unemployment, food stamps, light assistance. And his next job is all lined up. It's just a matter of when he will start. Also, he submitted his application to start school as well. All in all, he's been pretty productive. I'm lucky he isn't one of those men you have to beat over the head with things, but that's because he's pretty intune to his surroundings. Men that fall in the other category just don't give a fuck about things, and it shows. So with school, and work lined up, as far as I'm concerned we're set. I'll be hearing from DePaul's financial aid office soon (I hope) and that will determine whether or not I can enroll for school in the summer semester.

Mother's Day approaches, and I'm always left wondering what to get my mom, something she wants, or something she needs. I can never tell. I've settled on a pearl wardrober set and a PajamaGram (google them). The pearls are so she can stay out of my jewelry (lol, which will never happen, but still I can try! ) and the pajamas are because I noticed that she needs some. Parents kill me. I was asking her the other day why she insisted on keeping the tattered pajamas she has. She looked at me like I was born on Mars. Now granted, I don't go to bed like I'm some diva or something, but come on, I don't look like a bum either, lol. And who said comfort has to be bummy? Not I.

I wanted to get Mrs. Man something for Mother's Day too, but I don't know what to get her. Well I do, I was just going to get her a card and gift card for Nine West shoes. I was going to get his sister a card, since she's a mom too. She always let's Mr. Man borrow her car to drive me around, so I'll probably get her a gas card or something like that. I have held out thus far because I do want to check with him and see if that's something that they even acknowledge. Don't let me be the one to come and upset the apple cart, lol.

I got my hair done. Bye bye Angela Davis fro. : ( Hello Beyonce, lol. Well not really, I got micros, brown and light brown. I didn't get the colors I really wanted because I felt it would be too much of a contrast. I'll ease into it. Next time I get my hair done (around my birthday) I'll be sure to get micro twists. They look pretty cute. The African ladies that braid hair (well hairstylists in general) can be so unprofessional. The lady was 15 minutes late, so I called. She asked me to wait in McDonald's. I ended up waiting an hour and demanded that she take money off of what she would charge me. It was $180. I had a $10 card, so it was $170. She took off another $10 for being late. $160, so I stayed. When I give the $160, she calls her owner and the owner says "Well I didn't know you had the $10 off card." I politely told her that "Well, this is the only place I come to get my hair braided, so of course I have it. But more importantly, she was an hour late, it's raining." So the lady called back on some "Your hair is too long". Chick please. They were doing anything to get that $10 back! I was like hell to naw. These are micro braids. You being an hour late means that I coulda stayed at home in the bed under the covers an extra hour. And that means that's an hour I'll be getting home later. I had vowed that if the woman's disposition changed (she was quite additude-ish) I would give her the $10 in the end. It did not change. So I said, too bad, so sad. The moral of that story is - be on time.

Why do people try to play you like you got Parker's Bros. across your forehead?

Just Breathe

I tire of the AOL Radio. It blasts the same songs talking about...nothing meaningful. I've put Beyonce's "Diva" on pause. It's a lot for my ears to take right now. I need new songs to load onto my mp3 player, because I tire of the music on there also. 

Keshia Knight Pulliam (aka Rudy from The Cosby Show) is starring in a reality show to air on Oxygen. Why Rudy, why? I tire of television. 

Today is one of the first official spring days, and April is practically at a close. I anticipate about 10 more "spring days" before going into unbearable Chicago heat. Yuck. 

I don't mean to be an Eeyore today, but I am pretty tired of everything. I am tired of work. In between people being so paranoid about being fired, I have the staff members who pretty much dare you to write them up. First I am told that I am not "stern enough" as a supervisor. Then when I indicate to staff what needs to be done I get looked at like I am an alien. I consider the following to be true: I don't really care what the staff says about me, as long as my boss feels like work is getting done. Which. He. Does. He hired me for a reason, and as much as I can't stand the environment there, I am prepared to dig my heels in until I am comfortable with my supervisory skills. 

I'm tired of my family vs. me vs. Mr. Man. It's SO old. And exhausting. And depressing. But I continue to work at it. My family is just too important for me to not work at it. As far as Mr. Man, we are getting along alright. We always are. Sometimes, I like being his friend better than being his fiance, because he is an extremely funny, rational, multi-talented person. He's cool - what more can I say?

I guess right now, I feel so blah-ish. Nothing new is happening. Spring makes me think of newness. I've got nothing new to be on really. Right now I'm just riding this wave out. I'm sure something will happen to make me have a "eureka" moment and give me a cause to rally around, but for now, I'm too tired to care. 

One good thing about spring approaching is that I can start people watching again. I make these stories in my mind. Maybe I could start putting those visions to paper. Write a book. There's a thought. Who'd want to read my musings though? 

I Shot The Sheriff...But Wait Til I Shoot These Bitches Down, Down

Lately, I have been questioning internally if I have a bullseye on my forehead that says:
"Please, start shit with me."

Last week, I spoke to Mr. Man's daughter's mother. What to call her...what to call her...from here on out we will refer to her as I.G. (Ignorant Girlie) so...that sounds like Iggy if you say it out loud which is what I have generally done to her and her antics (although, she almost had your girl get on her level. Let me fill y'all in...

On Thursday night, I was getting dressed and ready to go to church. I was in a good mood. Scratch that - I was in a great mood. I heard my phone ringing and ran to go grab it. A small sidebar is that, Mr. Man's phone/internet was cut off by ATT when he tried to switch to Vonage, and as a result he was left phoneless and internetless. At the time, we were anxiously awaiting a call from this job he applied to. Desperate to get the phone call, we both agreed that it would be a good idea to forward his calls to my phone. From experience, I know Mr. Man doesn't get too many phone calls - mostly from family, and as for I.G. he normally called her rather than have her call him. Anyway, I picked up the call, not recognizing the number. It's not something I normally do with my own cell phone - but seeing as how I'm paid up with all of my bills (smiles) answering my phone is a little less of an inconvenience. Also, I knew that all calls to my phone weren't technically for me, so I answered.

I heard nothing on the other line. So I say again, louder, and more clearer "Hello?" I hear a polite sounding female voice on the other line.

I.G.:"Hello? Can I speak to Mr. Man?"
Me: "Um, he's not with me right now. His phone isn't working so he's having his calls forwarded to my cell phone. I can give him the message when I talk to him though."
I.G.: (after small period of silence) Um, who is this? I mean - I'm not trying to be rude, but this is I.G., his daughter's mother...is this RealDealRevolutionista? My daughter mentioned your name...
Me: "Yep that's me and I've heard a lot about you guys."
I.G.: "Well this is kind of awkward...um can you just tell him to call me because his daughter wants to speak to him?"
Me: "Yep, I can do that - "
I.G.: "-"Yeah we're getting ready to go to church-"
Me: "Actually - so are we, so I'll see him shortly,and I'll let him know to call you as soon as he can."
I.G.: "Okay, thanks, bye."
Me: "Bye."

Perfectly pleasant. I was even beginning to wonder internally if Mr. Man overexagerrated I.G.'s ignorance. I silently wondered for only a few moments more, before hearing Mr. Man knock on the door. I asked him to step in the house for a moment as I put my heels on. I told him that I.G. called. He asked what she said. I said not much really - except that she said his daughter wanted to talk to him. We got in the car with his uncle and he borrowed his uncle's phone to call her back. When he called I.G. is approximately when the shit hit the fan. Did Mr. Man speak to his daughter that night? Uh- no. Apparently I.G. wanted to pick that time to talk about how 1. she didn't know his phone was off (lie #1 - I was there when Mr. Man called her over the weekend to tell her) 2. how she should have known his calls were being forwarded and 3. felt "uncomfortable" with the situation (that his calls were being forwarded to ME). He hung up on her as he should've. Don't call under false pretenses - you said his daughter wanted to speak to him - if you have beef about other things and need to discuss other things you need to be a woman and just say what's on your mind. But - she knows Mr. Man won't entertain conversation of any kind because he's severely uninterested in anything she has to say that doesn't involve their daughter directly. I've heard there conversations (well his part of them) and I've actually told him that he could be a little more friendly. I, initially was on her side because I felt that for some reason we had both seen something truly unique in Mr. Man to fall in love with him. I mean, how different could we possibly be if loving him is the one expereince we both happened to share? Silly me, Trixx are truly for kids, because this past weekend I learned how different we are.

That night, she called at 1:00AM in the morning and left a message (Mr. Man strongly instructed me to not answer any more of her calls and to store the number in my phone so I would know not to answer. I.G. is literally listed as Do Not Answer. ) saying how she thought the phone would be fixed (lie #2 -if I told you at 7PM that the phone was disconnected, and you call me at 1AM, what phone man did you think would come fix it?) and how he needs to call her because his daughter wants to speak to him. Friday morning, she called me twice, and left another message, asking me to please tell him to call because his daughter wants to speak to him. He spoke to her on Friday, a little after that.

Sunday night, she calls THREE times in a row at 12:30am talking about how she thinks its BULLSHIT she has to "go through me to get to him" and that he needs to call and talk to his daughter and blah blah blah - she threw in the word BULLSHIT enough times for me to get pissed - so pissed I started to call her back and cuss her ignorant ass out because I had had enough (finally). That morning at 6ish I called Mr. Man's uncle and told him that I knew it was butt ass early in the morning but I needed to speak to Mr. Man right away. I told him that I.G. called three times and left a fucked up ass message on my voicemail. I was real ready to get on her level. This (to me) wasn't a situation that needed drama in any capacity. But I was fed up because she's manipulating the situation by saying your daughter needs to talk to her dad, but all YOU wanna do is try to figure out WHO is this chick answering his phone? And I can even understand her frustration if I was ignorant towards her. Save the drama for Baldwin Hills - this shit isn't about you I.G.! Mr. Man let me get out my frustration, and said he would not only cut off the call forwarding (the phone would just be disconnected) but he would call her - not to discuss the situation because he felt there didn't need to be a discussion. In his words - he wasn't about to explain his decisions to her because that wasn't her business - the only thing they need to discuss is his daughter, period.

I couldn't really get too upset because it was blatant that I.G. was bugging because whoever I am to Mr. Man (ahem, fiance, ahem)I'm obviously important enough to answer phone calls. And that means calls from his family (who I'm all cool with) and anyone else. She knows that he trusts my judgement, but more importantly my behavior to even accept a phone call and messages from her ignorant ass without stooping to her level. And as much as she might have left him, and walked away - they have a child together and she will always have SOME interest in who he's with (whether she'll admit it or not) because they do share a child. What did irk me was the blatant lying she did to me. First, she said, her daughter told her my name. WRONG. Her daughter doesn't know me - and even if Mr. Man mentioned my name to her, he wouldn't have said my full name, and even if he DID, he wouldn't have pronounced it incorrectly - which she did. That's two lies in one sentence. So what made me uneasy was that she knew who I was - but I don't know how. I can only assume that perhaps she has a facebook page or has a friend who has one, looked up Mr. Man, and saw the relationship status. Which - is pretty damn stalkerish - but to each their own. I can only hope I had a fly ass profile pic up there- because I'm gorgeous! In the end, I had to laugh the situation off - and be glad that I passed the test with flying colors.

Work is as ignorant as I.G.. The females at my job are really gunning for me. I went in to work today and checked my email. Why did one of my subordinates (HeffaGirl) send my boss a two page email about how a student cussed her out and how she felt a supervisor (i.e. me) should have intervened. Um, no. First rule in customer service is just to service the customer and ignore their behavior. Feeding into it means they are going to continue to behave in that manner because they have an audience. So yes, I was more focused on decreasing the line rather than focusing on licking your wound. *Ick* How about, if you hadn't given her misinformation, she wouldn't have started acting out in the first place? Did she reveal that part of the story? Of course not. *rolls eyes* Then today, it was all HeffaGirl could do to no tell StankGirl about the situation. I killed that part of their day though, lol. I ended up taking a late lunch, and went to the back, knowing that they were prolly going to be back there cutting up and what not. I politely sat with my information for school, my salad, and ate. LOL. Their whole rotation was thrown off, lol. My boss didn't even respond (at all) to the email (which made me laugh even more).

I mean, what is with females these days? My friend Kim put it best by telling me that it must be something I'm doing because I'm keeping these chicks up at night worrying, and wondering about me. Like I always say, don't watch me, watch TV. :-) I've been through way worse than ignorant mess like this, and it isn't enough to trouble me. I still have a job. I have a family that loves me (regardless of how they act) a wonderful relationship, and I am learning with each day how to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. My world isn't perfect, but for now I'm good.

Order My Steps

Well hello fellow bloggers. I hope you all are enjoying - wait what am I saying? I don't know many people that get Thursday and Friday off during this holiday season. All of this time I had been searching for at least one positive of working at the college and now I have one. Granted, the religious holidays I keep I don't have off, but if I have the days to take time off, my boss is very understanding with my observations.

The past two nights I have spent at church with Mr. Man. I think out of this week, two days of it I caught minor grief from my family about Mr. Man. I don't know how to change how my brothers feel, or if I can - but they seem to think that I put Mr. Man over them. I'm not sure how they receive that perception, especially given all of the things I try to get going for them. I do know that belief is pretty consistent with whomever I'm cool with. We've had it out about Elia, Chris, etc. etc. The other argument was with my mother about - going to church. Yes, don't look at the screen like that. When I told her Mr. Man was picking me up for the Passover, she went off on this whole "You agreed you wouldn't be going to a strange church."I was upset with the strange church comment, but she explained that if she didn't know it, it's strange. I told her that she just has to trust me. She said that it's hard for her to do since I almost had sex in a car, have been hanging out in hotel rooms, and was going to a church where nobody knew anything about (nobody in the house anyway). That statement kind of hurt my feelings. Here she was, not saying anything about anything, but then throws past issues in my face. I almost didn't go to church at all. I was prepared to stay home and sulk. Also, it gave me another reason to just stay home and avoid coming face to face with this belief I had been studying for a full year - mostly with the passionate desire to know the ins and outs and answer on my own all of the questions I had for myself. I have a psychological barrier I've had about churches for the better part of my life. I never thought I was good enough to go to one. I never thought I knew enough. I would always get very anxious at the mere thought of church. Last year's Passover, Mr. Man invited me to go with him, but I felt the same way basically.

I tried to tell Mr. Man about my anxiety in an email (his phone was accidentally disconnected) but of course, he didn't read the email until after the fact, and I felt bad mentioning it on the phone since he went through the trouble of getting a car. Off to Passover we went, and all I can say is I've never been in a service where there was so much Bible study. It was exciting, just like class, but above all - it was refreshing. I felt that everything that was said or read was reasonable. I had a good time. Yesterday was the second night, and the beginning of The Feast of Unleavened Bread. Basically, the feast is 7 days with no bread (or any other products with yeast.) And then there was food - so so much food. I couldn't eat a whole lot of it, because it had red meat in it and I don't eat red meat. As well, some of it just wasn't that good. Everyone can't cook like my my mom. Shit, everyone can't even cook like me, lol, a close subsitute. At any rate, I had a good time, and met the head of the church. He was so kind, and genuine. So was his wife. All in all it was a good night.

For a long time, I had searched and searched for a faith that made sense to me. It feels good to start piecing these things together. I look forward to learning more, and eventually getting up to the place where I'm ready to be baptized. That's a big step, but I feel like I'm working towards it like my life depends on it. That's because it does. 

Not Trying Is Worse Than To Stumble And Fall

That Jazmine Sullivan sure can sang.

Not sing, but sang.

I spent the whole weekend with Mr. Man's family.

It was interesting, to say the least.

This weekend was cold in Chicago. Cold like - let me pull back out the long johns cold. Cold like "Is that rain turning into ice?" The gas is off in my house, and will be until Wednesday. I don't utilize gas that often. Every now and again I use it because of the gas stove, but for the most part, gas is not necessary. Even though it's cold enough for long johns, I still find do sudden reason to quickly pay the gas bill.

So the one thing that made being in Mr.Man's sister's house with his family than my family was heat. Good old fashioned warmness. We didn't do much. On Friday, he and I went to Chinatown and had a ball. It wasn't as cold that day, so we had quite a bit of fun walking around being silly. The food was delicious. It's always so much fun going out to eat with Mr. Man. I think some people would think how he eats is so rude. I don't - at all. He is SO skinny, and one would think he doesn't eat. He does eat. But it is evident that we don't eat the same way. I eat to enjoy my food, and it just so happens that my body needs it. He eats because his body needs it and doesn't really enjoy it. This is the man who will eat chili out of the can every night, simply because it's affordable. But when he eats a full meal -- look out world, lol. It is truly humorous because he's like a beast with a meal. Fingers, forks, knifes - whatever he can use for a utensil! I always end up laughing so hard anytime we go somewhere new to eat. We had bok choi in garlic sauce. Bok choi is basically this Asian brocoli.

On Saturday, we didn't get into a lot of anything because it was his cousin's birthday party. I don't know about him, but I know that I'm still really trying to learn how to observe the Sabbath and put it into perspective with my daily life. He was really excited about his cousin's birthday. She was turning 4. I think he was most excited because he forsaw that his daughter would be in attendance. He wasn't able to arrange for his daugter to attend because he had this whole huge situation with his phone/internet, where he tried to switch carriers and his old carrier switched off his service completely before the transfer was complete. This left him phoneless and internetless (so not a word, lol). We ended up going to MonkeyLand. MonkeyLand is some big warehouse where children can run back and forth in those inflatable jumping gymborees and jungle gyms. There's an arcade room with pool tables, air hockey, and video games. All in all it's a kid paradise, lol - minus Chuck E. Cheese. I met some parts of his family I didn't know (cousins mostly). His cousin was so cute! She was really polite too. I love well-behaved children. After the party we went back to his sister's house with his sister and mom and watched Matrix Reloaded. He fell asleep after eating right on my boob and proceeded to snore loudly. I had mentally said I didn't mind him cuddling with me and fall asleep but if he drooled on my boobs- it was on like Donkey Kong! His mom and sister both were sitting there like - "He's so spoiled, look at him! Big old baby!" Of course - he drooled on my sweater, lol. I was like ewwwwwwww! He woke up, lol.

Sunday was pretty much the same thing. We watched Cadillac Records and Pride and Glory. If you all haven't done so already - go see Cadillac Records. Now I know I talk about Beyonce - but you've never heard me say she can't sing- well sang. Anyway, It was interesting talking to his family about the type of man he is - granted I already knew how he was because he has told me everything (which he reiterated last night, lol) but I am thrilled that his family was keeping it real. I had a lot of fun. It was just a low-key home down weekend.

My mom hasn't brought up the hotel. To me, I think we should leave it as it is: if she won't ask, I won't tell. I've been thinking ahead to the time where I have a daughter my age. I wouldn't want to know about her sex life. I would hope that she would wait until she was ready to have sex, hope that the person she shares that with is her husband, and if not, I'd hope it's with someone she loves and loves her too. I would hope she were having protected sex. But above all, I'd make sure that she'd be informed like I was about all aspects of love and sex and pregnancy well before she begins to determine if that's a road she wants to take. I know I keep saying she, but I know it could also be "he". I think what is told to a girl should be told to a boy in relation to sex. I think as a society oftentimes we put more emphasis on the girl because she is visibly the life carrier. But boys should have to have the same conversations with their parents.

I logged onto xanga the other day to read my subscriptions. Someone I considered a friend IRL lost a relative. Though I don't speak to her whatsoever anymore, I did extend my condolences. I mean, I personally feel as if the person could've benefited from our friendship. But she is too bitter, too too bitter to move forward. She once made a comment saying that in order to "hate" on someone, she'd have to place importance on what a person has, in reply to my statement that she was hating on what I have worked so hard to obtain in my life thus far. Where she was six months ago, she still is right where I left her. I on the other hand have continued to move forward, and I will continue to do so. It's always very strange to lose a friend, but I feel better about myself without having to worry about whether something I say will be misconstrued or used against me by someone claiming to be my friend.

Peace!

He's Got Me Lovestoned, Man I Swear He's Bad & She Knows

I woke up freezing.

The gas is off. This wouldn't matter so much if it were 65 degrees as it should be in a major midwestern city in April.

But noooooooo...it's freaking 37 degress with the opportunity of freezing rain. Did I mention last Sunday it snowed?

*sigh*

Last night, I dreamed that my mom found out I was sexually active. The second dream I had was that I was leaving home because of it.

This morning my mom stomped downstairs and opened the door.

Coldness.

She was saying something about how I didn't call to check on her yesterday.
Um, you could have called me too.
She says she didn't have to call because she knew where she was.
Well, I know where I was too, I was with Mr. Man. Duh.

I might have even responded in a "duh-ish" manner. I'm still rather pissed about being cold in April and not really responding to her questioning directly.

She then replied "Well you could have been in a hotel. You could've been in the library. You could've been at Mrs. Man's house." I still laid under the double blankets, fully clothed like a crazy woman. I had silently wondered how she brought up "hotel" out of all the places to me. Me and Mr. Man went to the Drake Hotel on his birthday.

Might I insert an otherwise non-neccessary comment about how excellent the Drake was? It was AMAZING.

Back to the story. Nobody knows I went to the hotel. The only way someone could have known is if someone was in my room. Snooping. Maybe not snooping, because it's not like I hid the receipts. Why would I? It's my stuff, in my room. The only thing I can think is that A)one of my brothers went in my room, saw the receipts wherever they were and snitched or B) my mom saw the receipt for herself. If A) is the situation that occurred, I'm so disturbed at the fact that my brothers grew up to be some snitches. First of all, who paid for the hotel? Not you. So why do you give a damn? I mean, just in general - it's none of your business. Now everytime I buy a box of condoms I have to toss the receipt? Wackness.

At any rate, my mom wants to know why we got a hotel room. She wants to have the conversation in private. Which I respect. But, I don't understand why we have to have a conversation at all though. Truthfully - I'm...(I hate saying this) but, I'm grown as hell dawg! I got my degrees, I got my job, I pay my bills. I'm not 19 - I turn 25 in July. I could lie, but why am I going to lie? I was at the hotel. Why did we go? We went for privacy. Privacy for what? Sex? Sure, but not really, because if the past year has demonstrated we can and will have sex pretty much wherever it starts going down, so that wasn't it. The hotel room was an opportunity to live like royalty for a change. No roommates, room service, stupid ass huge big screen television (with cable!), humongous king-size bed (that we literally played in because we couldn't believe how big it was). Peace, quiet, and tranquility. That is why we went. Now if I'm asked outright if we had sex, well, that's going to have to come out.

In the meantime, I'm going to have to be looking at craigslist, lol, because I don't know how that's going to pan out.

I Can't Keep My Cool So I Keep It True

It's the middle of the day on Friday. Well almost middle of the day. It's about 11:36AM. I just finished my graduate school appointment for the Master of Arts with a concentration in Teaching. I feel so accomplished.

Even though I'm not admitted. I guess "accelerated admissions" means you give them everything, and then they dish out the 411 regarding your acceptance in 1 week as opposed to 4. *rolls eyes*

Call me weird, call me nerdy or whatever, but I'm excited at the possibility of being a student again. Especially at my alma mater.

I'm in a good mood looking at how my academic and professional life is gliding along almost seamlessly. People seem to be impressed with how direct I am when it comes to my goals. I don't want much. I just want all the world has to offer me. I see no practical reason that I can't have it either. When my children start rattling off their passions and desires to me, the hopes they have for this world I want them to know that they can do anything in the world just like their mom.

Speaking of topics that are wack and stupid, have any of you all heard about this? I hope that Black people intend on coming down from their Barack Obama induced high and get to the reality of this America we inhabit. There is no reason that every news outlet isn't reporting this tragic story about the Scott Sisters. Furthermore, where are the so-called activists? We can rally behind things like cutting off Barack Obama's nuts, and damning Reverend Wright's anti-America statements, but nothing at all about these two sisters being wrongfully imprisioned? I realize we can't all be Malcolm X or Angela Davis, but I can't wait until this unusually large state of apathy passes over. Please, and thanks.

So What We Gonna Have: Dessert Or Disaster?

Sometimes, love comes around, and it knocks you down, just get back up when it knocks you back down.

Two days ago, Mr. Man commented on how his roommate and his whatever got into a big fight. Apparently the young lady actually threw something at him. Oddly enough, we had commented how we had never really gotten into a fight. We've had disagreements. Duh. I'm me. You can't just say something to me carte blanche and not expect me to say something if I disagree. But for the most part our relationship is not something that requires too much of anything. We just are.

Or were - on Tuesday, for about 4 hours I felt so unappreciated and hurt by Mr. Man I just wanted to run away from home. The situation, arised because I filed his taxes. I paid to file his taxes, and noticed that he owed. I bought it up to his attention, and he (alleges) that he told me "just to file them" and not to "worry" about the debt.

Me, in my typical "don't worry about anything" manner, went to the Currency Exchange to get our money orders for our school applications, and I bought one for the taxes he owed. I felt good because we were making movement on big things, or so I thought. I had told him via email that he didn't have to worry about the money order for his application, or the taxes he owed. He called me at work but I missed the call so I called him back. I had forgotten his phone wasn't working because he was switching service providers. So when he calls me on my cell phone, we talk about some random stuff. Then the proverbial shit hits the fan:

Me: Did you check your email?Him: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that..
Me: Is there a problem?
Him: Yeah - what would make you, I mean why would you do something like that?
Me: Okay, we need to have this conversation away from my desk-
Him: No, I'll talk to you later -
Me: Well I mean, I'm already up, I'm going to take this call.

He tells me that he appreciated the gesture (once) but then goes into this long dialogue about how I shouldn't have paid it (because of his beliefs about the state) and how if I was doing anyone else's taxes would I have paid what was owed (uh, obviously not - but you're not everyone) and just asking some more questions that made me dislike the whole conversation. I let him talk. He didn't get disrespectful, or ignorant. First of all, are we really beefing because I paid something for you? I don't think I really got over that part of it. I could even get over the (apparent) waste of money. But I couldn't get over how unappreciative he was. I politely told him, and I probably said it with a lot of pain, and exhaustion that "I have always acted on your behalf positively. There's not a moment where I haven't done something to make your life easier." I told him that "It was whatever" and that after going over it for 15 minutes, I was done. I had to go back to work anyways. He said "okay - I love you" and I said really quickly "loveyoutoobye". I was hurt. I didn't appreciate the implication - first, that I was doing something I was explicitly told not to do. And second, that I had acted independently on his best interest. Thirdly, I was utterly confused as to what boundaries should be crossed and how was I to proceed in the future when it came to him?

Apparently, he did some thinking, and sent me an e-card right away apologizing. I knew it wouldn't take long. He said he was sorry, grateful for me and loved me so much. It was cute. The card had a dog poking out of a hole, and when we first met, I reassured him I would never let himself dig a hole with me. He said I broke my promise. He was in the hole and he knew it. He followed that up with an email saying that "he had never seen/heard me sound so-" um, that's because you've never made me feel so- he reiterated his sorriness (lol) apology, and love to me. By this time - I still needed to communicate with him in person because I still felt rather sad and hurt. We agreed to go get a bite to eat. It was cold. It was windy, it was rainy.

But yet, when I left work that day, angry, and hurt - I prayed that I didn't act bogus. After all, I love him. No matter what. As I walked toward the busstop - I saw a rainbow. The rainbow is significant of so many Biblical things - I couldn't help but feel reassured that we'd absolutely be okay. It was one of those picture perfect rainbows from side to side. You could see the entire arc. I was only able to get a small shot of it, and that is the picture up above.

Suffice it to say, we went out to dinner, and rehashed everything. Took us like 3 hours, but how glad am I we were able to talk through it and even laugh about it. It wasn't soon before long that we were carrying on like teenagers.

Blah. Lol. The whole episode was so exhausting. But necessary. We addressed some key issues. I can't stress how import communication is in a relationship. Not just a love relationship but a work relationship, a family relationship...I believe problems generally arise when communication breakdowns occur. What do you guys think? I am (and will always be) a talker. If I have a problem with you please understand it will only be a brief amount of time before you hear about it. You can't hide a problem or breakdown by just glazing over it, or hoping it will go away. Sometimes, these are little lies we tell ourselves for whatever reason. Maybe we don't want to rock the boat. But maybe the boat needs to be rocked. To me, a person's primary interest should be to provide security, happiness, and freedom for self first and foremost before branching out into any relationship. If you're scared to mention an issue or topic because you think he/she might leave you that's one sign right there that the boat needs to be rocked. If you're in a relationship with someone that isn't interested in your security (the right to feel safe in a relationship) your happiness (the right to be happy in a relationship) and your freedom (the right to be free to pursue happiness and security by any means in your relationship) then to take a word from my brother: that's a huge fail. By my count that's three strikes and maybe a good reason to walk away.

I was thinking about this heavily. The people closest to me are the people who I've fought with at some point or another. Regardless of who was right (I was always right, lmao) they stuck through it to see to it that I expressed those 3 fundamental rights I expressed above. That's a real relationship. It hurts me when people make sacrifices to be with people that are not willing to reciprocate. It just boggles my mind. I beg of you all - please take a moment and consider the health of yourself. Now, consider the health of your relationships. Is there a wide gap between the two? Just think on it.

Long sidebar - I haven't preached in a while, lol so let me do my thang, lol.

This weekend seems to be a good one in the making. Partially because I know there will be hours and hours and hours of making up on the agenda (ha!) but on the flip side, Mr. Man's cousin's daughter is having a birthday party (she's turning 4 I think, lol). He invited me. He is unsure if he will watch his daughter yet - but he did indicate to me that either way I'm invited. I will go. I love rugrats, lol. And if we're at Chuck E. Cheese or something we can compete with each other at, it's all good, lol.

Peace!