Order My Steps

Well hello fellow bloggers. I hope you all are enjoying - wait what am I saying? I don't know many people that get Thursday and Friday off during this holiday season. All of this time I had been searching for at least one positive of working at the college and now I have one. Granted, the religious holidays I keep I don't have off, but if I have the days to take time off, my boss is very understanding with my observations.

The past two nights I have spent at church with Mr. Man. I think out of this week, two days of it I caught minor grief from my family about Mr. Man. I don't know how to change how my brothers feel, or if I can - but they seem to think that I put Mr. Man over them. I'm not sure how they receive that perception, especially given all of the things I try to get going for them. I do know that belief is pretty consistent with whomever I'm cool with. We've had it out about Elia, Chris, etc. etc. The other argument was with my mother about - going to church. Yes, don't look at the screen like that. When I told her Mr. Man was picking me up for the Passover, she went off on this whole "You agreed you wouldn't be going to a strange church."I was upset with the strange church comment, but she explained that if she didn't know it, it's strange. I told her that she just has to trust me. She said that it's hard for her to do since I almost had sex in a car, have been hanging out in hotel rooms, and was going to a church where nobody knew anything about (nobody in the house anyway). That statement kind of hurt my feelings. Here she was, not saying anything about anything, but then throws past issues in my face. I almost didn't go to church at all. I was prepared to stay home and sulk. Also, it gave me another reason to just stay home and avoid coming face to face with this belief I had been studying for a full year - mostly with the passionate desire to know the ins and outs and answer on my own all of the questions I had for myself. I have a psychological barrier I've had about churches for the better part of my life. I never thought I was good enough to go to one. I never thought I knew enough. I would always get very anxious at the mere thought of church. Last year's Passover, Mr. Man invited me to go with him, but I felt the same way basically.

I tried to tell Mr. Man about my anxiety in an email (his phone was accidentally disconnected) but of course, he didn't read the email until after the fact, and I felt bad mentioning it on the phone since he went through the trouble of getting a car. Off to Passover we went, and all I can say is I've never been in a service where there was so much Bible study. It was exciting, just like class, but above all - it was refreshing. I felt that everything that was said or read was reasonable. I had a good time. Yesterday was the second night, and the beginning of The Feast of Unleavened Bread. Basically, the feast is 7 days with no bread (or any other products with yeast.) And then there was food - so so much food. I couldn't eat a whole lot of it, because it had red meat in it and I don't eat red meat. As well, some of it just wasn't that good. Everyone can't cook like my my mom. Shit, everyone can't even cook like me, lol, a close subsitute. At any rate, I had a good time, and met the head of the church. He was so kind, and genuine. So was his wife. All in all it was a good night.

For a long time, I had searched and searched for a faith that made sense to me. It feels good to start piecing these things together. I look forward to learning more, and eventually getting up to the place where I'm ready to be baptized. That's a big step, but I feel like I'm working towards it like my life depends on it. That's because it does.