He Loves Me

I hadn't told Mr. Man about my insecurities and doubts. It didn't seem fair. I know I probably should have - but we had previously spoken on how we're linked and if I do have a problem with something or don't feel good about something; then it affects him worse than it affects me. He had mentioned how it's one of the few things that really affects him deeply.

But he knew something was very wrong and he heard it in my voice. I won't go into extreme detail about what initiated the self-doubt, but more importantly doubt in the legitimacy of my relationship.He became a one man Emergency Room. He tried to be funny. He tried to talk about our future children. He tried to talk about how ignorant his daughter's mother is. He tried to talk about everything that might make me respond or laugh. Nothing. My heart was too busy aching and I was so mixed up inside. I didn't even want to see him because I felt if I did I might actually cry.

The following morning we spoke on my way to work - and I only sounded slightly better. After going to my desk, and getting settled in, Mr. Man called and asked what time I might be going to lunch. I told him 1:00. When I was in the back room speaking to my boss about a file, one of my co-workers told me someone was up front to see me. When I went up front, it was none other than Mr. Man! I was so surprised I could do nothing but smile. He went and surprised me for lunch. And what a surprise it was. And how NOSEY were my co-workers, lol. It was a nice thing for him to do - a small thing, but so very nice and overwhelming. I truly wasn't expecting it. He was impressed with the college. (I guess I'm not so much because I know all of the stinky bullshit that goes on behind closed doors, lol, but it's so nice to know at least it seems nice to someone who doesn't know better!)

Lunch was brief. I didn't want it to end at all because I didn't feel like we even talked about anything relevant (not that we had to.) He is wearing a sling because he injured his shoulder in basketball. I felt so incredibly sorry that he was traveling all handicapped and what not. He was telling me how he wasn't worried about his arm as worried as much as he was about me and he needed to see me to check in.

He left me a book, and a video, and a picture he had photoshopped and printed from Kinko's for my cubicle. It was the right size and everything. I had always been sort of in-between about posting a picture of us up in my cubicle - not that I'm embarrassed at all- but just extremely private. But I put my picture up right away because it was just the thoughtfulness of the whole afternoon. The repercussions of that one action are so long reaching - I'm not sure even he knows how much it mattered - or maybe he does and that's why he did it. I couldn't think of a time I loved him more than I did yesterday. He really came through for me in a pinch.

Later, we had a pretty big debriefing about the cause of the downward spiral during our daily nightly conversation. We spoke about things in our typical manner. And I laughed. And I smiled. And he could hear it and felt better - worlds better.

Regardless of the manner of how we got together, regardless of the swiftness of the union - something is so right about us being together anything else doesn't make quite as much sense. We just fit. We don't have to but we do. And that works for me. And he makes me deliriously happy. This is the person I've consciously chosen to spend the rest of my life (God-willing of course) with. I am glad.

I love him. But more importantly, he loves me. And that is the best feeling in the world.