Let's Keep Gettin' It On

I haven't blogged in a few days.

Lo siento.

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. I had chicken tacos. Yum.

Life has been pretty good.

I'm learning how to balance life, and love and I'm finding that it can be difficult. But when it's good - oh man it is really good.

I am super proud of myself at work. This is my first year being responsible for all of the background work around graduation. We're graduating a big class too. Its almost 300 students. Yesterday was the rehearsal and there was standing room only! I didn't anticipate that many students. I'm so proud, because most of the students I've known and they've finally made it. I could hardly contain myself standing alongside my boss at the rehearsal. One disabled student is graduating this year too, and this is my first time seeing that out of the 7 years I've worked there. They had to order a ramp and everything. I'm pretty sure he will recieve a standing ovation next week and he should. I used to tutor him! And now he is graduating and will start DePaul in the fall with a major in Public Policy. My friend Elia (who also is in a wheelchair) just finished her undergrad there. And it all started when I told her that she COULD go to school. I feel so good about that. Helping people to believe in themselves when noone else does? That's completely why I can't wait to be in the classroom. 30 or more sets of eyes, bodies, minds, and souls connected to me and all I have to give this world.

I was anticipating starting my MAT classes this summer...but, that is a dream deferred. I still owe $1,700 and I cannot register until that debt is paid off. What I have decided to do is take a class at the college I work at to defer my loans until I start school in the fall.

Emotionally, I've been going up and down. I wanted to blame it on PMS, but alas, my friend has not come to visit me yet. Whoops. That's so sad that I'm a woman, yet even I succumb to the stereotypes and blame my moodiness on my period. I hate when men do it, but here I am doing the same thing. Why make excuses for it? I have down moods, and I have up moods. Even after Mr. Man was trying his hand at the romantic thang (my co-workers are still talking about that one - trying to divorce husbands and what not) I was still quite down, and just so up in the air on things. I know that is so unlike me, and even worse, something that Mr. Man never expected. But, I had to look at my diary from last year, as well as some of the emails we sent each other - he was doing the same thing to me last year!! We were together, sureeeeeeeee - but there was a month and a half during our year where I was kind of vibing on my own. I didn't see him because he was sick one weekend, he had his daughter another weekend - just a whole lot of free time. He said "I love you" - I said "I love you" but had an inkling that he didn't really mean it. I was right, lol. Even then I knew him. It was an awkward situation - we had love for each other, and I was in love with him, but he wasn't really sure what love was and if he shared that feeling for me. Initially, I was upset. Chris talked me through that month. He was actually on his side (that's a wingman for you if I've ever known one) - he begged me to not turn off that Renee side too quickly. (FYI - Renee is the passionate and free side of me) One time I just told Mr. Man that he needed to make his presence available and talk to me one on one. I was prepared to work with him - but relationship? Nah. So, he came over to my house, watched some movies, listened to his CD the whole way through for the first time. It was so much fun. And then we were talking. It was late, and the only light on was the light in my bedroom from my laptop. I had turned on some music, just because it was too quiet. He asked me what I was doing the next day (it was a Sunday) and I told him it was my girl's son's baptism and stuff. I didn't really finish the answer because the next thing I knew his face was all next to mine and he kissed me right above my mouth. I told him that he wasn't paying attention at all to what I was saying and didn't even have the RIGHT to kiss me there because that's what boyfriends do. And HE replied "I'm not your boyfriend - I'm your man." Womp womp womp - naturally after that it was on and poppin' (well not really, because we didn't hook up for some time after that) but we were pretty much like two peas and a pod - schoolkids who got sick from not being together enough. But I always thought on that month - and wondered how he could be lukewarm about getting involved with ME?! But, understanding the feelings I was dealing with, I get it. I got those feelings after being in deep for a year and some months, and I guess it's different because I had/have different things to consider than he did. I lost a parent, and that weighs on me and everything I do even more than having him a sick parent. I have a family I have to contend with and a career that I'm trying to put together. I always come back to the same conclusion though - I'd rather do all those things with him, than not.

I've been thinking that I don't have to rush and have children because when we get married, I'm going to be an instant step mom, lol. Crazy thought right there. Anyway, one thing that Mr. Man and I have reached a conclusion on is dating each other - not just hanging out. There is zero anticipation, and truly I was getting bored. I mean I like being with him because it's fun and a hideaway from the rest of the world, but come on - I need more than a movie now and again. He understood what I meant (somehow when I was telling him he needs to woo - he didn't understand it) but when I told him that we should plan dates alternate weeks so its not just one person always doing the planning. He agreed. So Sunday was his turn - we went to Mickey D's which was actually really romantic because it was all quiet and the food was good and we were feeding each other our sundae, lol. It was pretty sicknening. Then we walked to the beach from his house and had fun just exploring the neighborhood and stuff.

I also came to the conclusion that moving needs to be a priority. I've just reached the point where I feel like I need to prove to my mom I can run my life. She's taught me all there is and now I need to apply it and show her "hey I was paying attention Mom. I can do this."

I know where I want to live - so it's just a matter of getting in where I fit in. It's a first apartment so I don't need glamour (well I consider glamour stainless steel appliances lol)- just a space I can call my own for a year or so. I'm going to call the leasing agent to see what the availability is for a 2 br apartment. If I play my cards right - I'm right there by downtown, but still on the west side: best of both worlds to me.