It's not often, but from time to time I really cast doubts about the decisions I make in this life.
I'm so very tired.
I want to run away. Not too far. Nowhere exotic. This bug called the swine flu has pretty much quieted any internal desires to vacation somewhere beachy and sunny anytime soon. I want to run away far enough so people will miss me. I don't know if it's PMS or an honest to goodness feeling I've been having that sometimes my actions are unappreciated.
Far be it for me to feel taken for granted right? I often consider the minuscule trials and tribulations I encounter as being monumental, enough to afflict my mental and spiritual being - but then I think about Jesus Christ. No blasphemy, but, I liken myself to Jesus only a reminder that I should hold fast to my faith and when I feel like I'm alone, I know the Lord is with me - and encountered more in his 33 years in his life as a human than I will ever encounter positive and negative. Talk about unappreciated? Jesus' own people turned him over to be executed! Be that as it may - I still feel like I co-exist with people who think I'll always be around. Chris is one of these people - but its hard to measure his transgressions because we don't talk half as much as we used to.
I think part of that is my own fault though. I make it easy for people to come to me because I feel the need to help people. I give of myself until there is little to nothing left. That characteristic really went into overdrive when my father was sick. It seemed as if I was compensating for the things I might not had done while he was well, and felt I could atone in his sickness.
And then came Mr. Man. It has been said by my family members, specifically - that my relationship with Mr. Man was a transference of sorts - I clung to my father, and then I clung to Mr. Man.
I've been mulling over this thought a lot recently. What made me consider it was going out to dinner with my friend Kim the other night. We were talking about counseling - and I started thinking that I might benefit from starting up a round of counseling. Though I have not been abused (physically or mentally) I have experienced tragedy - and I'm not convinced that I'm whole. I understand that my father is gone and I can't get him back. But I don't understand my Superhero complex. I don't understand how I don't just offer help to people around me - I practically force it upon people. And because I spend the most time around him, I see myself falling into a pattern of "helping" Mr. Man - in little ways; reminding him to do this, staying on him to do that, purchasing things if he mentions it - and I guess at the beginning I found that these were things I should do. I love him, want him to be successful. I thought that his dreams and visions were so beautiful that I could just help him color in the remaining pieces - but what about my visions? And if I help him color in his visions - can I really count on him to help me color in mine? I adore Mr. Man, and I believe absolutely anyone can see that. He does love me too. So I can't say I don't know how he really feels about me - but lately things just seem so damn predictable I could scream. Sometimes it feels like if I don't start a conversation about something that needs to happen (outside of a revolutionary context), or suggest something - things won't get done. I've done my best to make sure this time he has been unemployed has been as seamless as possible, but I've found that lately I'm feeling more and more empty inside. And if I don't get the gratification I think I should receive - at least I can get laid. But if we don't have sex - I immediately get upset, like that's the least I should receive. It seems like in my thinking there are big potholes but I'm not sure where they originate from, or if they're even related.
I want to talk about these things, but I feel like people around me will want to say they knew that Mr. Man was using me, or how they knew we wouldn't last. I don't believe anyone is being used - I just feel like I've given Mr. Man tons of examples of how my efforts should be reciprocated. I don't care about money - but he's an intelligent, creative, beautiful spirit - he can come up with things. Besides myself - there's nothing I've invested more time in than this relationship. I love this man and I want to marry him and spend my life with him, and I don't even want to modify my behavior a lot. I just don't want to feel like I'm being played for a fool.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
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2 comments:
I don't think you're being played for a fool mama...and you don't think so either! Its a matter of feeling unappreciated, and sometimes folks don't know that they aren't showing you the appreciation that is deserved because human nature naturally gets them into a mode of expectancy. Not giving him excuses or justifying anything, I just feel like sometimes our folks around us have to give the counter side of things to even out our mental stance...especially when we're PMS'n.
At the end of the day, you need to take some time for you. I'm not saying to break up with him, nor am I saying that you have to even SAY anything to anyone, but you need to put YOU first in your thoughts. You've gotta practice that because if not when you do tie yourself into a marriage (whether it be with him or anyone else,) you will feel like this eternally. Other folks can do for us but no matter WHAT they do for you, if you don't give yourself some time and attention it will never feel like enough.
I'm so ranting...love ya mama...stick in there and take some YOU time. Time to focus on YOU...he won't die, lol. Once you're understanding of where you are, who you are and what you want, you'll know if you need to change anything in terms of the relationship.
So so right on the head..mm hmm...
I'm blessed to be in a relationship where that focuses me to constantly reevaluate just to make sure I'm on the right path to we-dom (does that make since lol) but good good advice...
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