Sometimes, love comes around, and it knocks you down, just get back up when it knocks you back down.
Two days ago, Mr. Man commented on how his roommate and his whatever got into a big fight. Apparently the young lady actually threw something at him. Oddly enough, we had commented how we had never really gotten into a fight. We've had disagreements. Duh. I'm me. You can't just say something to me carte blanche and not expect me to say something if I disagree. But for the most part our relationship is not something that requires too much of anything. We just are.
Or were - on Tuesday, for about 4 hours I felt so unappreciated and hurt by Mr. Man I just wanted to run away from home. The situation, arised because I filed his taxes. I paid to file his taxes, and noticed that he owed. I bought it up to his attention, and he (alleges) that he told me "just to file them" and not to "worry" about the debt.
Me, in my typical "don't worry about anything" manner, went to the Currency Exchange to get our money orders for our school applications, and I bought one for the taxes he owed. I felt good because we were making movement on big things, or so I thought. I had told him via email that he didn't have to worry about the money order for his application, or the taxes he owed. He called me at work but I missed the call so I called him back. I had forgotten his phone wasn't working because he was switching service providers. So when he calls me on my cell phone, we talk about some random stuff. Then the proverbial shit hits the fan:
Me: Did you check your email?
Him: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that..Me: Is there a problem?
Him: Yeah - what would make you, I mean why would you do something like that?
Me: Okay, we need to have this conversation away from my desk-
Him: No, I'll talk to you later -
Me: Well I mean, I'm already up, I'm going to take this call.
He tells me that he appreciated the gesture (once) but then goes into this long dialogue about how I shouldn't have paid it (because of his beliefs about the state) and how if I was doing anyone else's taxes would I have paid what was owed (uh, obviously not - but you're not everyone) and just asking some more questions that made me dislike the whole conversation. I let him talk. He didn't get disrespectful, or ignorant. First of all, are we really beefing because I paid something for you? I don't think I really got over that part of it. I could even get over the (apparent) waste of money. But I couldn't get over how unappreciative he was. I politely told him, and I probably said it with a lot of pain, and exhaustion that "I have always acted on your behalf positively. There's not a moment where I haven't done something to make your life easier." I told him that "It was whatever" and that after going over it for 15 minutes, I was done. I had to go back to work anyways. He said "okay - I love you" and I said really quickly "loveyoutoobye". I was hurt. I didn't appreciate the implication - first, that I was doing something I was explicitly told not to do. And second, that I had acted independently on his best interest. Thirdly, I was utterly confused as to what boundaries should be crossed and how was I to proceed in the future when it came to him?
Apparently, he did some thinking, and sent me an e-card right away apologizing. I knew it wouldn't take long. He said he was sorry, grateful for me and loved me so much. It was cute. The card had a dog poking out of a hole, and when we first met, I reassured him I would never let himself dig a hole with me. He said I broke my promise. He was in the hole and he knew it. He followed that up with an email saying that "he had never seen/heard me sound so-" um, that's because you've never made me feel so- he reiterated his sorriness (lol) apology, and love to me. By this time - I still needed to communicate with him in person because I still felt rather sad and hurt. We agreed to go get a bite to eat. It was cold. It was windy, it was rainy.
But yet, when I left work that day, angry, and hurt - I prayed that I didn't act bogus. After all, I love him. No matter what. As I walked toward the busstop - I saw a rainbow. The rainbow is significant of so many Biblical things - I couldn't help but feel reassured that we'd absolutely be okay. It was one of those picture perfect rainbows from side to side. You could see the entire arc. I was only able to get a small shot of it, and that is the picture up above.
Suffice it to say, we went out to dinner, and rehashed everything. Took us like 3 hours, but how glad am I we were able to talk through it and even laugh about it. It wasn't soon before long that we were carrying on like teenagers.
Blah. Lol. The whole episode was so exhausting. But necessary. We addressed some key issues. I can't stress how import communication is in a relationship. Not just a love relationship but a work relationship, a family relationship...I believe problems generally arise when communication breakdowns occur. What do you guys think? I am (and will always be) a talker. If I have a problem with you please understand it will only be a brief amount of time before you hear about it. You can't hide a problem or breakdown by just glazing over it, or hoping it will go away. Sometimes, these are little lies we tell ourselves for whatever reason. Maybe we don't want to rock the boat. But maybe the boat needs to be rocked. To me, a person's primary interest should be to provide security, happiness, and freedom for self first and foremost before branching out into any relationship. If you're scared to mention an issue or topic because you think he/she might leave you that's one sign right there that the boat needs to be rocked. If you're in a relationship with someone that isn't interested in your security (the right to feel safe in a relationship) your happiness (the right to be happy in a relationship) and your freedom (the right to be free to pursue happiness and security by any means in your relationship) then to take a word from my brother: that's a huge fail. By my count that's three strikes and maybe a good reason to walk away.
I was thinking about this heavily. The people closest to me are the people who I've fought with at some point or another. Regardless of who was right (I was always right, lmao) they stuck through it to see to it that I expressed those 3 fundamental rights I expressed above. That's a real relationship. It hurts me when people make sacrifices to be with people that are not willing to reciprocate. It just boggles my mind. I beg of you all - please take a moment and consider the health of yourself. Now, consider the health of your relationships. Is there a wide gap between the two? Just think on it.
Long sidebar - I haven't preached in a while, lol so let me do my thang, lol.
This weekend seems to be a good one in the making. Partially because I know there will be hours and hours and hours of making up on the agenda (ha!) but on the flip side, Mr. Man's cousin's daughter is having a birthday party (she's turning 4 I think, lol). He invited me. He is unsure if he will watch his daughter yet - but he did indicate to me that either way I'm invited. I will go. I love rugrats, lol. And if we're at Chuck E. Cheese or something we can compete with each other at, it's all good, lol.
Peace!
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