I'm Here

I hate to sound like some televangelist - but the other day...well let's take this back two(three?) days. I was really wondering why I was even here. Not on some suicidal life-ending stuff. But on some existential "what is my life cause" type stuff. These are some of the things I have been dealing with lately:

Transitioning from clerk to supervisor (even though it's been months) at work is tricky. I know for a fact a few co-workers I actually used to go out and kick it with really don't like me anymore. It does bother me - why wouldn't it bother a person? But what bothers me is that they really aren't good workers. And if they don't do their job, then that's something else I have to do. So it's nothing personal at least on my end. Nevertheless, the balance is difficult. Just Friday I had to remind them that it's an office, not the after hours spot. I mean HeffaGirl just had music blasting from her I-Pod, carrying on a conversation loud enough for students to hear at the counter, and pretty much carrying on. I politely told her (and her "crew") that they needed to keep it down because they were too loud. They instantly got an attitude.

This is teaching me patience, as well as learning how to posture myself professionally. The other thing at work is that, sure I've gotten a nice raise for a supervisor. But I am still performing the jobs of at least one clerk - in layman's terms I'm doing the jobs of two people. It was really irritating me to the point where I didn't even want to speak to my boss. Eventually when work calmed down, we did discuss some off-campus supervisory training, as well as at least moving one job to another department. I did feel better knowing that is coming sooner than later.

Home life is actually better than it's been. I still miss my father something awful - I don't think I'll ever stop. Everyone believes going after a malpractice suit is within reason - it's just finding the time to do it and having the fortitude to see it through. I know for me, going through the suit isn't even about the damn money - it is more so about the other families that are still there at that horrible facility. Nobody should have to go through that.

Otherwise, there have been no huge disagreements or huge arguments. James works out at X-Port Fitness and we have actually been talking about working out together. Well not together together, but at least at the same gym, lol. I could (and should!)definitely start working out 3 times a week. I was thinking it would be better for me to get a personal trainer. I'm glad when things are a little less dramatic at the house. It just makes life easier.

The day Mr. Man and I had the Plan A conversation, I remember going to sleep and waking up extremely early. I didn't do anything. I was just thinking.

And that's when it hit me. Considering all of life's woes, and the small things that I unintentionally make big things, I know things could be worse.

But I'm still here. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us (cliche, I know) but it's really true. Death calls various people at various times and you know what? The Lord keeps me in His care, and decided that He can still use me in some way on this earth. I'm still here.

This was the affirmation I chanted in the shower that morning. This was the affirmation that I chanted at work. When people come up to me and ask "How are you?" I respond "I'm here." The mere fact that I'm here verifies that I've got a reason to be here. This means that as long as my goals exist, the Lord will meet me halfway in accomplishing them. That means in all the world and all the people that the Lord called to rest - He chose to keep me.

Recognizing this got me moving. I became rejuvenated and got back in the Bible. I started reading The Purpose Driven Life. I'm on Day One. I'm also reading the Angela Davis autobiograpy and Betty Shabazz biography. The Bible is for practical knowledge and application, The Purpose Driven Life is to clarify why I'm doing what I'm doing, and Angela Davis and Betty Shabazz are some of the black heroines I draw absolute hope and inspiration from.

As long as I'm here I'm going to do the best I can to be the best damn me I can be.