Beyonce is really sending these females off - I mean every chicken out here that thinks because she puts that "good good" (rolls eyes) out there on some dude (who probably isn't even worthy to begin with) should get a "ring on it". To follow up that pearl of wisdom we are now introduced to what else but paper chasin' and other general nonsense. Until Beyonce I had no clue that the term "hustla" was gender-specific. SMH. Reason nine hundred and fifty two why I don't entertain popular radio or music channels. I understand all songs don't have to be inspirational or motivational, but I definitley do recognize that I need so much more in the things that my ears and eyes are subjected to.
I have been in a weird mood lately. I haven't been crying but I've been awfully close. It hit me that it has been three months since my father has passed away. I know it's a morbid thought but I keep thinking of him in the ground so far away, his body cold. I don't believe in heaven. Maybe I would feel more comfortable or okay with his passing- if I did, but the way I understand things to happen in the end times, I just don't buy heaven. So to me, he is in the ground. At least when he was in the hospital I could go touch him, or hug him, or look at him, or shake him. Yes, shake. It was never fair. We were hurting so much on a daily basis. And sometimes all I could do was wonder if he could even hear what I was saying. So I would shake him out of anger. No response. Sometimes he'd blink, sometimes he wouldn't. I'm still angry. He should be here. And he isn't.
I'm angry at my brother Keith - who should be here too, but he isn't. He had no business leaving his house that night ten years ago.
And I'm angry at myself for being angry. And wanting to cry but not being able to because when I start I won't stop. And I'm angry because inside I'm a hypocrite and judgemental. I get angry with people who try to kill themselves. Like I very rarely feel remorse unless they're younger-way younger than me. I say to myself that they should be the ones underground and not MY loved ones. It's not fair.
I'm angry at the fact that I don't know why I'm second guessing my relationship. I have no reason to. This man feeds me grapes like I'm a queen-literally. Yet, I wonder if I am playing myself? I don't really know anyone in a happy and healthy relationship. Everyone seems to think he will break my heart at some point. I thought that I acknowledged that as a possibility early on, but obviously not really. I've just been loving openly, and freely, and honestly. And I hadn't listened to what anyone was saying because they aren't happy, or in a healthy relationship. And I'm angry at myself for considering moving in with him before we get married. We may never get married if I do that. Why should he marry me if we're doing everything that married people do? And I'm angry at myself for wanting a wedding. And even madder at myself for wanting a ring.
And I basically pretty much am not liking myself lately.
Every thing that hurts seems like it's hurting me deeper than usual.
And I don't really know why.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
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3 comments:
yeah, music these days pretty much sucks. it ain't about nothin.
don't be angry at yourself for being angry.
and you're supposed to love openly, freely, and honestly....until you have good reason not to. why are you mad at yourself for wanting a ring and a wedding? what's wrong with wanting those things for yourself? so you've pretty much cancelled plans of moving in together? and does he know that you're second-guessing the relationship?
You know Erika - Everyone makes me feel like I'm wrong and like everything I'm doing is wrong. All I want is to be with him and I don't understand what's wrong with that. Everyone keeps telling me we're too serious that I have no business being so serious with someone so fast. Then I feel really stupid - like maybe he IS getting too much too fast- like I'm playing myself. But to me that's like - playing games, I am the way I am because he has given me no reason to object or treat him in a strange way. I don't think it's so much the relationship as it is the person I am alleged to be in the relationship, as well as everyone's comments. Erika, I love him and wouldn't care if we were the only two people at our wedding. I don't even care if I have a ring from Wal-mart. And I do want to move in with him because it just seems to be the next practical step.
I agree with Erika--you shouldn't be angry with yourself and it is normal to feel the way you are feeling. I understanding you feeling guilty for wanting a wedding and a ring, but as women we are conditioned to think that way and want those things.
Don't let other people make you question your relationship! If you have no reason to question your relationship, don't question it. You know what is right for you and you know it (and him) better than other people involved.
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