Black Girl Pain

If the weather of the past twenty four hours is indicative of how I feel; thunderstorms, floods, snow, and ice - then I'm not well.

Last night, I told Mr. Man I was really not doing well. More than everything that's wrong with me I'm coping with the fact that my father is not here anymore. Mr. Man asked if there was anything he could do, and of course he can't. He did volunteer to come see me last night at home after I got off of work. That could help. Mr. Man is good at diverting my attention. Besides, the Passover feast is approaching, and I'm trying to mentally get on board with that.

As well as with other things. Our anniversary is in two weeks, as well as his birthday. This should be a relatively happy time in my life. I have much to be grateful for. I am gainfully employed, and for the most part my job is secure (3 people would have to be fired before I get threatened!) And I am done with school. At this point I am just going to school to get my certifications to teach, which will start back up in the fall.

Lately I have not been feeling that good about things. Fast forward to last night. I told Mr. Man it should be no problem with him coming to my home. It would only be for a few hours. But I called my mom just to be on the safe side to ask if it would be okay for Mr. Man to come see me.

She said no. I asked why. She said because she was washing and cooking. I asked her what did that have to do with me. She said why was it so urgent that I saw him last night after spending two full days with him last weekend. I said because I wanted to. Then she told me to get a grip. Before getting disrespectful, I hung up.

Mr. Man called me back and I was in the rain waiting for the bus. It was raining cats and dogs. I felt like my mom was questioning my sanity and couldn't understand the issue with my request. I miss my dad and all I wanted to do was get home, possibly see Mr. Man. Of course, my previous issues were overshadowed by the fact that my mom was denying me this one simple thing. I told him he couldn't come over. And I could feel my eyes beginning to tear up but the last thing I wanted to do was let him hear me cry. I think that he's only seen me cry once. Yes, just once.

I told him I'd call when I got home. He said that he didn't have to come inside the house. We could just sit in the car. But that was a futile suggestion also. Of course when I got home, I was soaked from head to toe. The saving grace was that my coat has inside pockets or all of my stuff would have been fried - my PDA, my mp3 player, all of that. My mom was waiting for me. Told me to have a seat. Doesn't understand why last night was so different from another night. I told her I didn't understand why he couldn't come over. She said guests have to be out at 10. I said that he wasn't a guest. She said that the whole situation is bogus; that I brought him into our (correction: their) lives bogus. I said it really isn't about them. She said that's part of the problem, he's not just dating me, he's dating all of us. I said that wasn't true and absolutely nobody does that anymore. Then she said I'm clingy and I don't spend time with none of my other friends like that. She even couldn't understand why I was so busy with consuming myself with him. I shouldn't be so serious with someone at my age I was told. I got sick of talking and asked if he could come over or not. She said no, and I walked away. She says I need to move, and I don't disagree. But I disagree with the reason I'm moving. And I already know if I move, I'm bound to never hear the end of it. Because then I'll be known as the girl who moved to appease her boyfriend.

Mr. Man and I spoke again briefly before I went to bed. He talked, and I didn't have too much to say so I just listened. He tried really hard to be neutral. I love him for that. I know a lot of people would take advantage of the situation. But he hasn't. He did get concerned with my mental state as of late. I even admitted to him that I felt deterred. When he and I first first first spoke, almost a year and a half ago - I told him that he would soon find that I am not easily deterred. That's our catchphrase. So my admission that I felt deterred is what got him on a different plane. He said that if moving is what we need to do as a couple than that trumps the music, and that trumps him going to school. I told him that wasn't fair. We're a unit, we have to make decisions together that benefit the both of us. Luckily he didn't stay on the moving subject. And eventually I went to sleep. Anyway, all of the arguing and back and forth made me desperately tired. Tired both mentally and physically.

Of course, today, my mom wakes up like everything is cool. I normally am not one to hold a grudge. But right now my heart is heavy and just hurts too much. I really came to the conclusion that being with Mr. Man is one of the most beautiful and simple things in my life because he is beautiful and simple. If there wasn't anything going right for me, knowing that I have this good relationship with him means so much to me.

It's everything else I don't know too much about.