Love No Limit

Yesterday was a day filled with...I don't know what to say? Happiness, sadness, grief, pain, and peace.

I went to see this apartment in Hyde Park that was beautiful. My friend that wants me to move in with her is a leasing agent. First of all, earlier in the afternoon, Mr. Man had called me and told me that he was leaving the studio early - which of course I hadn't banked on. I told him I had a prior appointment and as soon as I wrapped up I would go to him as soon as possible. It didn't matter to me that it was a practically impossible plan, I just needed to see him. Not necessarily talk to him; but see him. So many things have been on my head and heart lately that I needed to know if there was anything left that made sense to me.

Anyway, I had a good old time in Hyde Park. My friend's office is beautiful and I am absolutely proud of her. She's wonderful and I support her a lot. But what annoyed me about yesterday was that I got there early so she could take me to see the apartment and go to Mr. Man. I ended up just sitting in the office for at least an hour and a half. Mind you- I'm starving! I ended up breaking Sabbath (which I wasn't even in the mental mode to keep to begin with) and ate at Boston Market. The reason things were taking so long was because she had a client (a real client, lol) who was borderline slow. Nah, that application was short, son was just slow. My friend apologized profusely but I knew it wasn't her fault. Finally, around 4ish(I got to her job at 1 something) slow son left and we went to the apartment.

Hardwood floors, skylight, 3rd floor, fireplace, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, water and gas included, 3 br/2ba. Not too far from the bus stop or the train stop. So what's the problem? The real problem anyway?...

I'm not ready to move. While it registers with me that I need to move, I'm not emotionally, physically, or mentally prepared to move. I have to move when I'm ready to move. And I can't move the way things are right now. I can't leave on those terms. When we moved from our last apartment I was ready to move. Too many niggas being niggas (peeing in the hallway, drugs stashed in clothes for goodwill, food wrappers left all over, doors never being locked) all sorts of things that I (or my family) didn't need to be around. But most importantly I know full well that my moving now would be deeply selfish. My brothers aren't nowhere near where I need them to be as far as getting employed, at least. And regardless of my mom not seeing eye to eye, I would never never never leave them like that. If that's the case, I could've told Mr. Man to kick his roomate out and I would have just moved in with him half a year ago when he asked me to.

The other caveat to that is I don't know how interested I am in moving with someone. No matter how fantastic my friend is - and she is fantastic. I love her to pieces. But, seeing Mr. Man yesterday - Idk...for the first time in days my heart felt full. I didn't feel anxious about anything. I remarked to him as we were waiting for the train to take me home that it was the first time in days that I felt right. I want to come home to him. I love him. And it's the little things he does that let me knows its mutual. Like how he'll go out of his way to supply me with Naked Juice and Ben & Jerry's no matter how expensive (and unnecessary) he thinks it is. It makes me happy so he does it. I kept thinking about how my life is with him - it's amazing. I thought of my life without him. It might make my home life more easy - my family would be relieved. But I would be a mess, if I didn't have him.

I thought, when we were laying in his bed, had just finished the strawberries, and his eyes were closed and I looked at him, and the music was playing, and the stars were on the ceiling (small sidebar: one night I was not hardly thinking about sex. And he gets on my back since I was on my belly and whispers to me "Come on babe, I'll bring the stars out tonight just for you. We can make love under the stars". So OF COURSE - I look at him like what the hell are you talking about? He goes to his closet and takes out a mobile that he must have used for his daugter in her younger years that emits stars onto walls and ceilings - and voila. There were stars on the ceiling and walls, lol. I laughed my ass off that night, but I also thought that was just about the sweetest thing ever.)I thought to myself last night that the moment was just perfect. Didn't care too much about what the next day would bring, didn't care too much about what the next hour would bring. Didn't care about what yesterday was. All that mattered was that moment.

We have so much to do together, and its important to me to be as focused as possible. I can't always live so much trying to make sure everybody but me is okay. That is what happened to me the past few days. Worried about my mom, worried about my friend, worried about the genuineness of my relationship (which was unnecessary). I have to make sure I'm okay first and doing that doesn't make me selfish.