Always Have Plan A and Plan B

Oh where, oh where has my period gone, oh where, oh where could it be?

On Sunday, the condom broke while Mr. Man and I were doing what we do best. I remember him saying "Oh, this feels so good" - which was my cue that he had finished. It was when I turned around and looked down that I realized why it "felt so good."

Sigh.

We went back and forth on whether or not he was inside. I'm pretty sure he was. There wasn't that much to talk about. The same thing happened about six weeks ago.

I hated every second of the episode. It was my first encounter with Plan B. The emergency contraceptive. Besides feeling extremely tired, I was wrought with angst. I can't get pregnant right now. I don't believe I'm ready to be a mother. But then who is? More than anything I've always been extremely stressed with the reactions I would get to such news; at work, in my family. It's just something I don't want to deal with in entirety. I wish I didn't have to worry so much about, but I can't. I'm human, and sometimes what people say (especially if I'm related to them) matters a whole lot to me.

Anyway, my January period was already late. So the fact that I would be having to make another trek to the local Walgreens to pick up another emergency contraceptive had me feeling really depressed. When I start feeling that way I try to keep it inside even though I shouldn't. The other night all I wanted to do was go see Mr. Man but I was hurting so bad I didn't think it was a good idea. Were my tears even reasonable? Put a pregnancy possibility on top of the fact that I miss my dad, on top of the fact that I was having wack ass web drama and you've got a cuckoo bananas woman on your hands.

Mr. Man and I did talk about what I was feeling. He suggested an alternative, until I feel better about things. His alternative was abstinence.

Favorite fiance say wha?

I thought about it. He and I not engaging in sexual activity until I felt better about the situation was a good suggestion. But it's not a realistic one. I know that pregnancy is a by-product of sex. I believe giving up sex (were that a decision we made) should be for something more than making me feel better internally. I've got to stop worrying so much about what other people want and at some point I've got to start living for me. I often feel like I'm 24 going on 60 sometimes. Take care of everyone at work, take care of everyone at home, take care of Mr. Man. I like taking care of people, but in taking care of everyone else I don't feel really well taken care of. I didn't make a final decision on abstinence. I feel that it wouldn't make sense to pledge abstinence when I might be pregnant, lol.

That wasn't really funny, but it was kind of funny.

As for now, I took the emergency contraceptive again. And I'm just kind of waiting for whatever. I've been talking to my ovaries internally. Something along the line of "Release! Release! Bleed!" please?

Okay, now that was funny, but in between praying, rubbing my stomach, and chanting, something has to happen. So far my period is approximately six days late.

I did take a pregnancy test before my period (I was expecting it January 31st). It was negative. That comforted me a little bit. But if I am late, and thus far I'm not pregnant - where oh where has my period gone, oh where oh where could it be?