Mr. So Fly Crash Lands In My Room

I am quite sure thousands, if not millions, have blogged about Kanye's 808s and Heartbreak. I would never ever admit this to Mr. Man, but 808s and Heartbreak is my guilty pleasure. When I feel depressed (which is often, no matter how hard I try to avoid it sometimes) I put on 808s and Heartbreak. It is a super-emo album. The beats (created from this old machine used to create beats back in the day -hence the title 808's) are extremely hypnotic and soothing. You just get lost. In fact, I could totally get an instrumental of this album. I think this was an album Kanye needed to release regardless of what critics would say. At first, I will admit; I didn't get the concept. I didn't "get" the album.

Actually I still "don't" get it. But, after the billionth listen, I've given it a meaning that works for me.

The other day I was fantasizing something awful about taking a glorious vacation. Is it bad that after my initial thoughts that it would be the perfect thing for me and Mr. Man to do...I started fantasizing about frolicking in the sand all by my lonesome? A tote full of philosophical and political works, my MP3 player, and a journal. I love being with him but, he's done his share of exploring and traveling. Anyway, my co-worker (HeffaGirl) is a travel agent, and I was really thinking of going on a Jamaican vacation in July for my birthday. I was willing to book with her, regardless of my personal feelings, because at least someone I knew would get the comission. I also sort of wanted to give her the business to help her out, on a sista-to-sista type deal. 

Just because you're a sister, doesn't mean you're a sista. She was extremely funny about it when I was asking her questions about booking, and what not, as well as just being generally disinterested. Heffa, if you don't want this money, that is too cool. I would rather deal with someone who can at least pretend to understand the basics of customer service; regardless of whether we know each other or not. She just lost a commission, and a big one too. It's all to the good. It should probably be better that my first vacation is something smaller anyway. 

I'm tired, and my stomach hurts. This is the big birthdaversary weekend approaching. Did I mention that I'm tired, and my stomach hurts, lol? I have Mr. Man's two gifts wrapped in the corner. They're pretty, gold and black paper and bows, because they're his favorite color. I-Pod Nano in his favorite color, because he loves music, and  a Tupac book (the best one ever) because he loves Tupac. I know my man well. But, lately I've been getting a mighty sneaky suspicion that since I put so much emphasis into planning things for him (his birthday), he hasn't planned anything on his own in regards to our anniversary.  I don't know how I feel about that. At this point I'm speculating, but, I know him. I kind of wish that both didn't fall on the same day, because he'll always end up getting two gifts from me, because that's how I am. It's not to say he isn't sweet, isn't thoughtful, and doesn't remember things like this. But I wonder if I dropped the ball by not explicitly stating how amped I am for our anniversary. And how much I'm kind of expecting him to reflect the same amped-ness. And how I had better just lower my expectations now because after booking a room on the cheap at the Drake Hotel, and dinner for two at Maggiano's; I'm going to be beyond pissed if he drops the ball. However, if I don't expect much, I won't feel bad. I'm not expecting much. Just want him to put in what I put in. Match my effort. 

I'm ranting now, but I know that this weekend has to be the bomb for him. Tomorrow is the last day he'll be working. I know he has said he's cool about it, but I can hear the reality of the situation settling in his mind and spirit also. To join the ranks of unemployed Black men - its not a familiar situation to me. My father, and brothers have been there. That's one of the reasons I've really been going all out. Mr. Man scrapes by on what's required and he never asks for anything, although he knows that I make twice as much as him. I hate to see that. To me, for once, I really wanted him to just not worry about money. I wanted us to just have the opportunity to focus on us for once. No roomates, no parents, no work, no studio. Just us. All of a sudden I just remembered why us being together for a year actually matters...

Peace.