Humble Me

Not much to blog about, so I will share my correspondence to Mr. Man from the past two days with you all. I only do it because they (the emails) pretty much sum up the things I've been considering and trying to deal with.

From Me to Mr. Man: 3/5/09

I am taking a break from work - and trying to refrain from getting too reflective...but I can't help it...I can be quite over-analytical at times (I guess it's a gift and a curse - you tell me) but there seems to be a permanent black cloud over this place...evil has taken hold...a lot of the daily rigmarole of it all... I just choose not to mention aloud, but you have no idea (actually, you are probably one of few who do know and can empathize) how damaging it can be to the spirit...the constant repression of intellectual exchange ("dumb it down") combined with the overarching oppression...all in an institution of higher education (how ironic! I think on how my father is sooo having the last laugh right now...I could've been a corporate attorney like he wanted for this) the blatant classism that exists amongst the workers...what's the point anyway? Some are so eager to lie, cheat, snitch, and steal, to get where they need to be...but the bottom line is; whether you're faculty, staff, cafeteria worker, or janitor...to the administration we're all lumped in as lumpen...even worse, a mere means to an end...it is so crazy...people like you and I burdened with the awareness of our seemingly perpetual condition are few and far between it seems...I find myself more and more of an official recluse in this environment...I can't merely discuss shopping at Nordstroms' or the mall, nor citing how Barack Obama is really doing his "thang", nor Lent or Easter and not eating meat on Friday...I'm at a standstill, because there is no revolutionary change I can put into place where I am...for the sole exception of my student organization (all females ironically...I often reference Harriet's quote 'if only they knew they were slaves...'I guess to me at this particular level (since this is where the bulk of my time is) my goal is only to spark something in someone...maybe inspire (force...you know I have totalitarian tendencies) someone to go beyond what they're taught..I simply count the time that goes by and interact when necessary until I can flee to the freeness and (semi)solitude of my room where I can study and work in peace...I find solace in the fact that this is "only" 8 hours...that my self-identity isn't based on this job...and I suppose to that end, this is only a means to an end for me too but, it isn't that...I genuinely care about the well-being of any people I consider myself to serve...in this capacity it's the students...in a revolutionary capacity, it's the people and obtaining our freedom..the more I feel the institutions bearing down on me the more motivated I become to make sure we do not stray too far from our path...we simply don't have any other viable options...

I don't know if I wrote all of this to necessarily garner a response or just to get it out (perhaps a little of both)...as always I'm severely grateful for your presence...for always having an answer...for always keeping me encouraged...you know, I must admit it is getting more and more difficult to not share my life with you on a daily basis (physically, obviously...I suppose a more accurate term would be 'space')...I'm not complaining, just explaining...but, to use a phrase from our early days... "sooner than later" right comrade?...I guess the question is how 'soon' is (too) soon?...and given that question...where would that place us on the ceremony timeline...sooner than later as well...soon as before moving or soon as in after...? I absolutely consider you my King in every sense of the word...but I know a long time ago I made a promise to myself that I am so very tempted to disregard...I just want to be with you...period...that is all...if it sounds like I'm inconclusive in it's because I am (only a little though)...but what I'm not inconclusive about is the fact that I love you more today than yesterday (is that possible?Yeah, it is because I say so) and that next to the fact that I'm gaining more and more understanding with the Lord...preparing myself to participate (lead?!) in the struggle...just a few things that comfort me amongst the madness dear...I remain undeterred...

From Me to Mr. Man: 3/6/09

It seems awfully serendipitous that I began to read the Betty Shabazz book when I did...first of all, thank you...you operate in my subconscious quite frequently...second of all...it seems that I have been internally considering loss (quite a bit...Mrs. Shabazz knows loss...and that's what got me really thinking) lately...on surface, we are told to remember that "everything happens for a reason" particularly in death and other life catastrophes...I hate to admit it but it's hard to see the reason...wouldn't dare questioning the reasoning of the Lord, but..."why" is a thought that has crossed my head and heart frequently (to noone in particular) but this process has proved to be extremely cathartic (which is necessary for me) and I don't have the entire answer, but from a revolutionary and spiritual context (the dual perspective works...and probably should be the only perspective from which I operate from from here on out) loss is extremely inevitable...regardless of the type of loss, it is bound to happen...and you should know I'm framing this from the context of losing my father recently and then losing my really good friend at work...it helps to think of my father as at final peace...and it is better that I laid him to rest rather than the other way around...likewise, my friend will move on to a better position...we all know how damaging this environment here is to growth, creativity, truth, and intelligence...spiritually....I think of how the Lord instructed Lot and his family to leave the town (loss) and to never look back...of course...Lot's wife looked back and we know how that story ends...I think we have a lot to do in the present, a lot to focus on without looking back...as well looking back is bound to harbor pain and sorrow when we (humans) contextualize loss upon loss...if I am able to honestly accept that I have learned something from this loss...if from this loss, I am able to garner motivation to move forward...than the loss truly IS behind me, and I can instead focus on what I have gained as a result...you know in an even larger context, I have foresaw that when the movement starts moving, we are bound to lose comrades as well...so it's best to compartmentalize loss, and keep it movin...whew, I was working on that thought for a moment, lol...I just know that internally I have to make things like this right or externally I won't perform the way I need to...