My life, my life, my life...hmmm...it's 2:00AM and I'm watching these girls be all heartbroken at not being chosen by freaking Brandy's brother. I mean that's his claim to fame - being Brandy's brother.
Although...when I was 13, Ray J. was a hottie! And yes, I'm ashamed to admit it, but you know I like to keep things as real as possible. I didn't know back then his claim to fame would end up being Brandy's brother and effing with Kim Kardashian (who profited way more from that situation than him, btw!)
But where was I? Ah, it's 2:00AM and I can't sleep.
Today was a very chill day. The past few days have been chill actually. After having a minor breakdown on 12/23, life seems to look a lot better. Breakdown? Yeah, in the midst of falling ice and rain I stared hard at my phone pondering who to call as the tears were falling, falling, falling, down my face. They had been filling up for days. I had been dangerously self-destructive in just about any relationship I found meaningful - PURPOSEFULLY I might add. To the point where Mr. Man blatantly said he was not familiar with the person he was dealing with - in fact, he was confused. And as much as that hurt to hear - I didn't really modify my behavior, until the conversation went in another direction entirely. This was 7 days ago.
You see, I could kind of rationalize about Lisa "Left-Eye" burning a dude's crib down because he didn't get her some sneakers. Because I was really seriously having the fits over not going to see The Princess & The Frog. And had I completely cracked up, her-story would have painted me as crazily as it painted Left-Eye. Her-story would not have dug deeper to reveal the thoughts swirling in my sub-conscious as I was just trying to make sense of the fact (and verbalize) that I didn't feel like Mr. Man was holding up his end of the bargain. And it caused me to act out. Talk back. Or go silent. Glare. Pout. Whine. Anything to avoid bearing all of those bloddy emo-emotions. Not me, no how, nuh uh.
Digging deeper, past that, I missed my dad. And I don't like to talk about it. People ask, and I say I'm good, I'm fine, but how the fuck could I be? He's gone, and he's just gone.
Add that to a late cycle (wouldn't this just be a marvelous time to find out I was carrying a human inside of me?) God can be mighty non-humorous in that kind of way. I mean right when I'd lined all my duckies in a row: looking for a new (better paying) job, moving out, going to school, getting rid of my debt - now I have to wonder "Where oh where has dear Aunt Flo gone?" :/
Ball of confusion, is what I was, and I didn't reach a tipping point until 12/23. I just remember being emotionally at my lowest. Bawling my eyes out on the bus. And not just crying, but, the kind of crying when you actually can't breathe because the tears are just coming through that strongly? Yep, that was me. I remember feeling lonely - wayy lonely, and good for not much of anything, at least not in an emotionally unstable that I was in. I got home, and of course, though I tried; I couldn't hide my tear stained face from Mama. I ate some soup, got my hug, and laid in the bed watching Everybody Hates Chris. Finally, Mr. Man called me. He had been working 12 hour days at work, and asked how my day was. I told him the truth. There was silence on the other end of the line, before he asked "What would you like me to do? Do you need anything?" At that moment, I realized that I loved this man even if he was always late, super cheap, and sometimes totally incapable of understanding that I want to feel tended to from time to time by him. He's a good man. He believes in God. Tries to get to church every week. He's nice to his Mama. And he wants to save the world as badly as I do. That is the bottom line saving grace of our union; our commitment to something way larger than ourselves. The fact that he would dart over to my house (sans car) after a 12 hour shift at work to spend even an hour with me, to turn around, get home by midnight, get 3 hours of sleep, and go back to work for another 12 hour shift snapped me out of it. That, a long talk with God, and sleep.
The few days since then have been progressively better. Life looks better when you're on a 10 day paid vacation from work. As well, it's better to just come to some base decisions...and as an old friend of mine says "Every now and again its good to take a calculated risk." Again, I'm hardly one for resolutions, but I'm not playing around in 2010. I'ma be trying to Barack Obama my way into 2010 - just give me three months to set the course of my domestic policy, dig?
Today, I experienced something truly wonderful. Mr. Man - with renewed attentiveness to EVERYTHING I ask for, or even seemingly think - was leaving. Hesitant to do so- and ever so apologetic, he explained the activities of the evening.He had a hot date to get to on the other side of town with a very demanding woman. His 4 year old daughter is one tough cookie. And I had heard her voice only twice before, once when Mr. Man allowed her to call me and say hello, and another time very randomly. Today Mr. Man put the phone on speakerphone while she was speaking and my heart melted. Literally, as if I wasn't already feeling, well, positively positive, that took the cake. She was excitedly jabbering about a surprise she had for him, which she let him know was cake, lol. He told her he had surprise to, as she guessed at it: "The Princess & The Frog?" I chuckled to hear that I wasn't the only one who was giving him shit about the movie, lol (even though we did see it!) as he tried to explain it wasn't on DVD so he couldn't bring it to her (at least a legit version :P) I was so delighted to hear her voice. Mr. Man could tell.
Hearing her reminded me that the things we do, really do have very real effects in the here and now. Our efforts matter. The daily struggle is necessary. We make small sacrifices now to perhaps have a better life in the future, and even if WE don't our children will. So we work the overtime, get the degrees, and pay our dues however The Powers That Be deem appropriate.
I don't know what is seeming to be special about 2010. It could be another year - same old thing. But maybe it's my oath, promise, that I'm making to myself (I'm actually buying MYSELF a promise ring) that I'm going to do whatever it takes to be wherever I need to be.
Peace...
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