Love Behind The Melody

The past two weeks has seen my health on a downward spiral. I've had a lot of time spent on my back (and not in a good way) but it was semi-positive. I've done a lot of thinking about my father. I see now how being in a nursing home environment is a horrible place to be. It starts off a never ending cycle of continuous illness. Before my dad got sick, I never knew men could get yeast infections. Now that I had my yeast infection, and have seen the causes for it, I see that prolonged exposure to antibiotics - those things that are supposed to help you get better - actually make you prone to other things. Each time I got sicker, first the extra period, then the yeast infection, and then the ear infection, I kept thinking if my father felt all of the things he went through. I often thought that he wasn't in pain - thinking of him in pain AND being that sick would have ridden me with enough guilt (survivor's guilt) for the next two lifetimes. I quieted my conscience by saying that most of what he went through he didn't feel. There were times were I could visibly witness his pain, but most times, I often thought he was just plain old sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is weird thinking of my dad being really deceased. I have not been to his grave. I did not go to the burial after the ceremony. I felt only a little guilty. Somehow that sight seems so totally final and something I'm not really ready for. I've never seen my brother's grave either, and I doubt that I ever will. I was so strong for so long for a lot of reasons in my dad's situation - but I know seeing that grave will just break me into pieces. And I'm woman enough to admit I'm just not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be either...

I had a lot of fighting going on around me last week. Besides me trying to gain the strength within myself to not succumb the itchy burny feelings in my ear and crotch...I was fighting at work. Not out and out clawing and yelling, but it was pretty close to it. If it's not being the King Solomon in the middle of petty disputes, it's fighting the administration. I think a few entries ago I mentioned my application to participate in this leadership academy at work. First of all, I thought it was a great way for me to professionally develop myself (outside of getting more degrees and certifications). Also, I don't think all leaders are born. I believe people can be taught to lead. I like to learn, know that there is a LOT out there for me to learn, and I have a real desire to be a leader. How else can I open my own school in a few years?

Well, the Dean certainly had qualms about allowing me to apply - not participate, but merely my application!! Me and my boss talked about it and I respectfully disagreed with the Dean's thought process (his exact words were "It's not her time") WTF?! I was so thrown and immediately threw myself into a job search. It's just not worth the drama. Everything is always so dramatic and everyone is so uninterested in moving above the status quo and that is NOT me.Eventually, my boss was able to persuade the Dean in signing off on my application, for which I was grateful. The overarching experience made me feel more determined than ever to be about my B I and keep it moving.

The weekend was a long one, seeing as how I was still sick but I made it through. My King took care of me. I am not in any way shape or form, a diva, or even a baby. But there's a feeling of knowing there's one person on this earth who will baby you no matter what. Mr. Man did basically everything I told him to do while I was sick. I asked him to rub my feet, and rub my back. He did it. I asked him to tell me a story because I didn't want to watch tv. What ensued was him making up a story about a Black cowboy named Dusty Rusty in the old Wild West, lol. Dusty Rusty was a loner, but eventually stayed in this one town and married Marilyn, a little waitress at the local inn he stayed at. Dusty eventually became sheriff of that town, retired, died, and entered the Lord's kingdom because even though he was a cowboy he was a good man. Lol. And like a 4 year old I interrupted every 5 seconds, lol. But it was funny and sweet. I told him to sing to me and he sang some song he made up called "Every Night." It was the worst singing I ever heard in my life, but he was working hard to make me smile and I couldn't help but do just that. Rapper, yes. Singer? Heck no! We watched movies he rented from the library and just had a gay old time as old people like to say. I probably fell more in love with him over the time I was at my absolute worst than I ever have before.

I've decided that my birthday provides the perfect occassion for both families to meet at ESPN Zone. Mr. Man's Mom did mention once to tell my mother "hello" although they had never met, and I think now is that time. We've been dating for over a year now, he introduces me to other people as his fiance. It only seems appropriate that our families meet each other in a low-pressure social setting. It's not some wedding dinner or whatever, it's a birthday dinner at ESPN Zone and if people get bored there are games to play and what not. Yes, I'm already considering my birthday, lol. It's about a month away before I turn...25.

Shit I'm getting older.

But I can't deny that I'm getting better, too.