Fearless

Okay. Maybe not fearless. Maybe fearful should be what this is titled.

On one of the many occasions that Mr. Man and I were really making use of the King size bed we shared, it was brought to my attention that I was bleeding afterwards.

Talk about killing a buzz. Here I am floating so high in the sky (some orgasms later) and then - CRASH - the thought of blood is enough to snap me back into the very real and present reality. I won't lie - this is my blog so no need for that. There was some very hot, passionate, sweaty, rough sexxx going on. It didn't bother me because each time he took it up a notch - I took it up a notch also. Two people who don't really have any stopping sense when it comes to that category really don't have any reason to be together. But should it happen - the world should watch out.

I couldn't understand how I was bleeding. I looked down at my va-jay-jay. I wasn't sore. Well at least not in that area. My muscles were sore like I just got done playing two games back to back of full court basketball but otherwise. But nothing below the belt. I didn't worry about it. At worst, Mr. Man went too deep, and eventually I would be okay.

That was on Friday. Today is Monday and I'm still spotting. On one hand - I'm cool as a cucumber. I don't feel like I'm in pain so what is there to worry about? My paranoia (and slight instinct) has prevented me from even wanting to have sex (I told Mr. Man at best, perhaps we should wait 7 to 10 days before doing anything) but the more and more I consider things...the worse I feel inside. One (or two, or three maximum) sessions of rough sex could maybe bother my insides and prevent me from having children one day. What if the bleeding is indicative of a worse problem - a problem I'm not even ready to deal with? Or...what if I'm overeacting? This IS after all the first time Mr. Man and I have ever even been together intimately everyday in a week's span - maybe the va-jay-jay is worn out. But everytime I think about something being wrong with my reproductive organs - my heart hurts and I start wanting to cry. I don't want anything in the world to prevent me from having kids.

I need to go to the doctor, but if I go now - my mom will be super suspicious. I can't wait to schedule an appointment, because with fucking HMO I'll have to go to my internist BEFORE going to the gynecologist. If something IS wrong - then I'd be waiting anywhere from 3 weeks to a month before seeing someone about it. The way I'm feeling now though - I know I'm going to the ER, I just have to try to wait it out until Wednesday. If this were a regular workday, I guess I would just go after work and not worry about my mom. Granted, I'd probably be in the ER til about 11AM or 12 midnight but I'm sure I could talk my way out of that. Also, I'm due in at work for overtime this week at 8AM instead of my regularly scheduled 11AM. At best, I think I will just leave early on Wednesday or Thursday. What other choices do I have? The longer this spotting (and it's not major - just enough to make me freak out! and who wouldn't freak out at the sight of blood when its not that time of the month?!)occurs, the crazier I feel inside.

If it's not one thing it's another. I have no moral to this sotry until I find out the root cause of the bleed. I want to blame someone - but I can only blame myself. I feel so retarded. How could I not tell he was hitting something inside that he shouldn't have been hitting if I honest to God was in no pain? He feels bad because he doesn't want to think that he caused me pain - inadvertently or otherwise. It's embarassing, unnerving, but most of all, I'm scared out of my mind....