What's It Feel Like To Be A Ghost?

That's how I feel when I log on to write.

I want to write. So many things I need to put into perspective, but I have some sort of block up that prevents me from just sitting down and doing it. So once again I will just start with what's primarily on my mind.

Mr. Man's nephew has a facebook account. I don't know why that bothered me. Maybe because he's a baby. (Well he's 9. And is beginning to be conscious of himself.) <--Which all the more reminds me of how much of a baby he exactly is. Of course Mr. Man just found out yesterday. Ironically enough, Mr. Man is not on facebook as much as when we started talking. It's just funny how for months that was our lifeline -completely vital in the early stages of our relationship, but now it's just one of those "remember when" memories of the early days. Anywho, his newphew is on facebook. First of all, they aren't friends, but second of all, it is super duper interesting who his nephew is friends with - Iggy's sister.

Say what now? Now, naturally I wonder why his nephew would have Iggy's sister as his friend. It did bother me a little bit. Why? My overactive imagination stepped on the scene. I easily saw Iggy logged in to her sister's account, perving Mr. Man's nephew's account, and eventually finding her way to Mr. Man's page that is somewhat a showpiece of our relationship. Very recently we decided it was cool to put pictures up of one another. At first we were extremely private and conscious of nosies, but at this point in the game it just doesn't matter anymore. For better or for worse we're together. I know, my overactive imagination could be wrong, but what more can I think of a person who has already hacked an email account and found out that I existed in that method? The fact that she probably sat and read every email we ever wrote in those days looking for something deliciously incriminating or something to accuse someone of. Le sigh.

But, I let my good sense overrule, and for the most part I am more concerned with the fact that a 9 year old baby is on facebook. My mama sense is going crazy. I want to tell, shit, I want my boyfriend to tell his sister. And I wonder if he will.

I've been wondering alot about me, he, and us. We're supposed to be going away the day after Thanksgiving. To Lake Geneva, I think. I look forward to dipping off and doing the romantic thang.Naturally my mother opposes but, what more can I do?

What bothers me most about my mother is that she thinks that I'm just walking around in this love cloud. I'm not. I know realistically there's no way I'm marching down anybody's aisle until I'm absolutely satisfied with this whole baby mama situation (at the very least). And it IS a situation. And although it's being handled it's not handled up to my level of handledness. (Nope,not a word. So!) He expects us to wed in March. That is absolutely not going to happen for a myriad of reasons. His house is not in order. I know this because my house is not in order. If I have it together more then most, and I can admit that all of my ducks aren't quite lined up, than I can certainly spot when someone (the man that I love) else's ducks aren't in a row. I'm walking into a situation where I become an instant step mom and I can't change that. But I can certainly make sure I'm prepared. And keep subtly dropping hints to let him know that 2010 is not looking good for me on this marriage thing, at least not the first 6 months. :/

I have much more to tell but this is it for now. Not getting everything out encourages me to return tomorrow or sometime this week.