Today I write as a semi-free woman.
Free from the pressures of grad school for a quarter, long enough for me to make some real personal headway in this life of mine. Only the Lord knows if a new job will appear in the near future to take away some of the trouble with me pursuing this grad degree. I'm not going to fret either way (well, not too much ;])
My anniversary weekend was perfectly amazing. It was the mini-vacation I absolutely needed. The TV came on once all weekend. We got all caught up on our homework. But most importantly, it was a weekend away in pure peace and relaxation. I can't wait until we find another reason to go away.
While away, we saw Brooklyn's Finest. If there was ever a movie to see on bootleg, that is it. That has got to be the year's worst movie, and it's only March!Even the bad movie couldn't change the good time we had together though. We had a homemade picnic in our room, quiet conversation, and candles. What more could two people ask for?
The only thing I'm concerned with our my next two trips to Oklahoma and Miami. I wanted to get the trips in sooner, but it appears my vacation days are sort of short, and with everything coming up at work (my responsibilities) I don't feel comfortable taking time off. So we shall see!
Peace.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
It's Our Anniversary
I thought I would include this video from Tony, Toni, Tone...but, we all know who THEY are. So in recognition of my sweet second year with Mr. Man, I am posting this unknown lip-synching a grade 'A' jam from one of the best R & B groups of the 90s.
PS. Weekend was GREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATTTTT at the Lodge! ;) Recap later this week sometime...
Peace!
Friday, March 12, 2010
I'm Only Human
Today is the beginning of my most glorious vacation with Mr. Man. We're going back to the Lodge. It's going to be nice just basking in each other's company four 4 days uninterrupted. He has some loose ends to tie up with school, as do I, so some studying will occur. Mostly just some chilling though, which is well needed. My mom says we're like an old married couple. She needs to just understand that quality time together is the BEST. My, how 2 years, and some months have passed though..seems like only yesterday he sent me a message on FB to be his friend, lol.
Happy Anniversary to us, lol!
Speaking of FB, I get a message from Mr.Man. Now back in the day, this was the only way we communicated. But now, FB seems pretty outdated, so if I generally receive a message from him its FB related. He was warning me that I.G. aka Iggy bka his daughter's mother has recently joined the ranks of FB. Now, my cyber stalking self, had actually been monitoring that, and apparently I'm slipping on my pimping (well, not so much, I check like every 6 months or so). Not that they were friends on FB or anything, but in the two years he and I have been together, I have not met this young lady, save for the uber-awkward phone conversation I posted up last year (click the link to catch up). At any rate, I would check FB to see if she had a profile, just for curiosity's sake. I know she had been checking for me because she hacked Mr. Man's Yahoo email account, and all of our emails were there. It made me sick to my stomach that someone would stoop to such a level and by in my B.I. like that, but I got over it.
I have not met Mr. Man's daughter. The biggest reason is because, he doesn't spend enough time with her, because of the strained relationship with the mother. It seems to me that soon the court will have to inevitably intervene because left to their own devices, it doesn't look too good for the little one. But the incredible thing about her is even though I have not met her, I LOVE HER. I ask about her, we talk about her, I see pictures of her and I just love her. I dream about this little person I've never met. I just get this indescribable feeling in my heart hearing about her. The love is so pure and not tainted and I just feel that away about her because she's a child, but not just any child, Mr. Man's child.
This sidebar is significant because upon notification of Mr. Man's message, I look up IG on facebook. And there she was. And it scared me. And made me feel something else in my heart. Mostly shame. And guilt. She's cute (but not cuter than me) and familiar looking (she could easily be one of the students I service at work). But most importantly, I could see her features in their daughter. And it made me double back. I asked myself how could I so strongly dislike someone who looks like someone I love so much just based on principle?? So this sent me on an internal trip I was not prepared for in any way, shape, or form. It was overwhelming. I closed the page, and thought. I don't like I.G. I don't like how she feels its necessary to use her daughter as a bargaining chip - I don't agree with her politics. And I know that we go to the same church (different branches, but same umbrella) and I know she knows better than to behave in the manner she chooses to, but she does. So I can't pardon her as merely being ignorant. I recognize her actions as desperation to make others feel as bad as she feels. I noticed she was scowling in the picture. I didn't know if she was trying to be sexy or not. But, on a universal we are all sisters/females level - I can see that she is so lost. And for that, although on the day to day basis, I find it hard to understand and accept her actions, I pray that she finds what she's looking for. I don't like her. And I don't have to. But my God says that I can pray for her earnestly and I do. I recognize that regardless of what either me or Mr. Man thinks, she IS the day to day caretaker of his Princess,and the child is not starving or suffering from broken bones and burns. And I appreciate that, because no child deserves to suffer.
So what I.G. and I have (in my mind) is a truce of sorts. I don't have to respect her, but I acknowledge and accept her presence. In my eyes, respect is earned. My beef with her is not related to Mr. Man - it's related to womanhood, and what real women should be capable of. And the day we meet, well, that's later than sooner. :) And for that I'm happy, because I'm still learning dammit. I am far from perfect but my humility aids me in coping.
Peace.
Happy Anniversary to us, lol!
Speaking of FB, I get a message from Mr.Man. Now back in the day, this was the only way we communicated. But now, FB seems pretty outdated, so if I generally receive a message from him its FB related. He was warning me that I.G. aka Iggy bka his daughter's mother has recently joined the ranks of FB. Now, my cyber stalking self, had actually been monitoring that, and apparently I'm slipping on my pimping (well, not so much, I check like every 6 months or so). Not that they were friends on FB or anything, but in the two years he and I have been together, I have not met this young lady, save for the uber-awkward phone conversation I posted up last year (click the link to catch up). At any rate, I would check FB to see if she had a profile, just for curiosity's sake. I know she had been checking for me because she hacked Mr. Man's Yahoo email account, and all of our emails were there. It made me sick to my stomach that someone would stoop to such a level and by in my B.I. like that, but I got over it.
I have not met Mr. Man's daughter. The biggest reason is because, he doesn't spend enough time with her, because of the strained relationship with the mother. It seems to me that soon the court will have to inevitably intervene because left to their own devices, it doesn't look too good for the little one. But the incredible thing about her is even though I have not met her, I LOVE HER. I ask about her, we talk about her, I see pictures of her and I just love her. I dream about this little person I've never met. I just get this indescribable feeling in my heart hearing about her. The love is so pure and not tainted and I just feel that away about her because she's a child, but not just any child, Mr. Man's child.
This sidebar is significant because upon notification of Mr. Man's message, I look up IG on facebook. And there she was. And it scared me. And made me feel something else in my heart. Mostly shame. And guilt. She's cute (but not cuter than me) and familiar looking (she could easily be one of the students I service at work). But most importantly, I could see her features in their daughter. And it made me double back. I asked myself how could I so strongly dislike someone who looks like someone I love so much just based on principle?? So this sent me on an internal trip I was not prepared for in any way, shape, or form. It was overwhelming. I closed the page, and thought. I don't like I.G. I don't like how she feels its necessary to use her daughter as a bargaining chip - I don't agree with her politics. And I know that we go to the same church (different branches, but same umbrella) and I know she knows better than to behave in the manner she chooses to, but she does. So I can't pardon her as merely being ignorant. I recognize her actions as desperation to make others feel as bad as she feels. I noticed she was scowling in the picture. I didn't know if she was trying to be sexy or not. But, on a universal we are all sisters/females level - I can see that she is so lost. And for that, although on the day to day basis, I find it hard to understand and accept her actions, I pray that she finds what she's looking for. I don't like her. And I don't have to. But my God says that I can pray for her earnestly and I do. I recognize that regardless of what either me or Mr. Man thinks, she IS the day to day caretaker of his Princess,and the child is not starving or suffering from broken bones and burns. And I appreciate that, because no child deserves to suffer.
So what I.G. and I have (in my mind) is a truce of sorts. I don't have to respect her, but I acknowledge and accept her presence. In my eyes, respect is earned. My beef with her is not related to Mr. Man - it's related to womanhood, and what real women should be capable of. And the day we meet, well, that's later than sooner. :) And for that I'm happy, because I'm still learning dammit. I am far from perfect but my humility aids me in coping.
Peace.
Monday, March 8, 2010
They Don't Know...Who We Be
"You will always be a part of me, I'm part of you indefinitely, boy don't you know you can't escape me, no way you're ever gonna shake me, you'll always be my baby" are the words I heard when I first woke up this morning courtesy of Mr. Man's ringtone. I reached underneath the pillow to answer and was pleasantly surprised at what I heard on the other line. Mr. Man called me, as he usually does in the morning so I know he arrived at work safely. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was thinking.
"Well, I called to basically say..that I just got done thanking God for you."
I sat upright and listened more intently as I fumbled for words to match such a heavy sentiment. We've been talking alot about life, and love, and our dreams lately - and how even if its all a huge failure to the rest of the world, we will have made our mark through our works, and our children.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself by not explaining where I've been the past month, and catching you all up.
I have been living this life like its golden. Snow be damned. Cold be damned. Never again will I cower inside on account of weather unless I opt to be snuggling with my honey. Life is too short for that. The true realization that my life is truly beautiful began with a few doctor's appointments I had at the beginning of the year...
In January, I brought in the new year with a UTI. Not super unfamiliar territory for me. Until the medicine that was supposed to make me better, made me worse. In hindsight, I thank God that the medicine made me sicker, because if I didn't get sick I wouldn't have gotten an awesome new doctor. My old doctor wasn't bad, but she allowed me to come in, tell her what was wrong, and keep it moving. And as an internist, what else could she really do?? After all, its HMO. (Not complaining, just explaining.) After mustering up the courage to talk about all of my symptoms and the things that were not right with me (missed periods, recurring infections, weight gain, and unusual hair growth) I was referred out to a OB/GYN on the north side of Chicago. I was scared, but hopeful.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways. The woman I was referred out to see to start working with me is the very same doctor who visited my Anatomy and Physiology class a little less than 10 years ago in high school. Also, this might sound crazy, but I have never had a Black (let alone Bi-Racial) doctor. I just felt she would be the person who would be able to finally let me know I'm not crazy paranoid about my body, but do the investigative work to figure out why an otherwise healthy 25 year old keeps getting sick?
Blood test after blood test, and culture after culture, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It isn't an inherently fatal disease. It can be if left untreated. PCOS is related to how my body works, as far as weight management (in some ways, it looks like diabetes, without pills or shots, which makes monitoring what I eat nerve-wrecking) but it also has huge implications on my ability to bear children, and can lead to further issues such as cancer, insulin-resistant diabetes, and as I said earlier, death.
It has been a major life change for me. The first thing I did was hop on a plane to Atlanta to see one of my besties. I kind of felt like "Fuck it, I got the cash to do it, I got a vacation day to do it, so I'm gonna do it." I got tired of saying "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it." School gets in the way of life, work gets in the way of life, and I just know that if I leave this earth tomorrow, there are things I want to do that I have not yet done. I started a Bucket List for things like that. The Bucket List (a work in progress) will most likely follow this entry. The Bucket List is merely a list of things I want to do (trivial or not) before I die. I know that sounds really morbid, but I'm tired of waiting for the perfect this or that to live life. And in a way that is what I've done. Now this doesn't mean I plan to live life unreasonably, or that I won't plan for the future, but in the meantime and in between time when I desire to do something, I will.
My family has been really helpful. It's sad to say but, tragedy does bring people together in strange ways. And it's nice to know that they care. Annoying, because I don't like having family conversations about my ovaries, lol. But still nice, since they still do care.
I don't have a lot of good friends, but the few I do have, I realize I like to keep close. I have been good with spending time with them, but I intend on getting better. These are, after all the best years of our lives. And I just wanna live it up.
Last but not least, Mr. Man. The strain that I expected from this kind of news and a long, long cycle of non-sex and doctors visits is non-existent. If anything, I believe I have managed to put more pressure on myself than he could ever do. He is strong when I am not strong, and he helps me a lot. The biggest thing I have been tasked with doing with this disorder is losing weight, which is not easy. I love to eat. I have purhcased a Wii Fit and work out 30 minutes a day. I do Flirty Girl Fitness on days I don't work out. I eat about twice as many salads and have eased up on carbs. The fear of not being able to conceive children was enough for me to eliminate all bad habits almost instantly. I am not gonna claim to have it all worked out, but my efforts have resulted in SOME weight loss already.
The long and the short of the good and the bad is the evidence that I am still here to experience it all,and to echo Mr. Man's sentiment, I thank God for that. I thank Him for seeing me through, for giving me a great foundation, and making sure I have an amazing supporting cast. And I'm gonna keep on doing what I do until it ain't nothing left to do.
Peace.
"Well, I called to basically say..that I just got done thanking God for you."
I sat upright and listened more intently as I fumbled for words to match such a heavy sentiment. We've been talking alot about life, and love, and our dreams lately - and how even if its all a huge failure to the rest of the world, we will have made our mark through our works, and our children.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself by not explaining where I've been the past month, and catching you all up.
I have been living this life like its golden. Snow be damned. Cold be damned. Never again will I cower inside on account of weather unless I opt to be snuggling with my honey. Life is too short for that. The true realization that my life is truly beautiful began with a few doctor's appointments I had at the beginning of the year...
In January, I brought in the new year with a UTI. Not super unfamiliar territory for me. Until the medicine that was supposed to make me better, made me worse. In hindsight, I thank God that the medicine made me sicker, because if I didn't get sick I wouldn't have gotten an awesome new doctor. My old doctor wasn't bad, but she allowed me to come in, tell her what was wrong, and keep it moving. And as an internist, what else could she really do?? After all, its HMO. (Not complaining, just explaining.) After mustering up the courage to talk about all of my symptoms and the things that were not right with me (missed periods, recurring infections, weight gain, and unusual hair growth) I was referred out to a OB/GYN on the north side of Chicago. I was scared, but hopeful.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways. The woman I was referred out to see to start working with me is the very same doctor who visited my Anatomy and Physiology class a little less than 10 years ago in high school. Also, this might sound crazy, but I have never had a Black (let alone Bi-Racial) doctor. I just felt she would be the person who would be able to finally let me know I'm not crazy paranoid about my body, but do the investigative work to figure out why an otherwise healthy 25 year old keeps getting sick?
Blood test after blood test, and culture after culture, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It isn't an inherently fatal disease. It can be if left untreated. PCOS is related to how my body works, as far as weight management (in some ways, it looks like diabetes, without pills or shots, which makes monitoring what I eat nerve-wrecking) but it also has huge implications on my ability to bear children, and can lead to further issues such as cancer, insulin-resistant diabetes, and as I said earlier, death.
It has been a major life change for me. The first thing I did was hop on a plane to Atlanta to see one of my besties. I kind of felt like "Fuck it, I got the cash to do it, I got a vacation day to do it, so I'm gonna do it." I got tired of saying "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it." School gets in the way of life, work gets in the way of life, and I just know that if I leave this earth tomorrow, there are things I want to do that I have not yet done. I started a Bucket List for things like that. The Bucket List (a work in progress) will most likely follow this entry. The Bucket List is merely a list of things I want to do (trivial or not) before I die. I know that sounds really morbid, but I'm tired of waiting for the perfect this or that to live life. And in a way that is what I've done. Now this doesn't mean I plan to live life unreasonably, or that I won't plan for the future, but in the meantime and in between time when I desire to do something, I will.
My family has been really helpful. It's sad to say but, tragedy does bring people together in strange ways. And it's nice to know that they care. Annoying, because I don't like having family conversations about my ovaries, lol. But still nice, since they still do care.
I don't have a lot of good friends, but the few I do have, I realize I like to keep close. I have been good with spending time with them, but I intend on getting better. These are, after all the best years of our lives. And I just wanna live it up.
Last but not least, Mr. Man. The strain that I expected from this kind of news and a long, long cycle of non-sex and doctors visits is non-existent. If anything, I believe I have managed to put more pressure on myself than he could ever do. He is strong when I am not strong, and he helps me a lot. The biggest thing I have been tasked with doing with this disorder is losing weight, which is not easy. I love to eat. I have purhcased a Wii Fit and work out 30 minutes a day. I do Flirty Girl Fitness on days I don't work out. I eat about twice as many salads and have eased up on carbs. The fear of not being able to conceive children was enough for me to eliminate all bad habits almost instantly. I am not gonna claim to have it all worked out, but my efforts have resulted in SOME weight loss already.
The long and the short of the good and the bad is the evidence that I am still here to experience it all,and to echo Mr. Man's sentiment, I thank God for that. I thank Him for seeing me through, for giving me a great foundation, and making sure I have an amazing supporting cast. And I'm gonna keep on doing what I do until it ain't nothing left to do.
Peace.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Tell 'Em That It's Human Nature
I haven't had the opportunity to blog in some time, so this might be a long one. It may be short.
I'm all over the place lately.
However, I can say that I had a most excellent time last Sunday when I went to see the school production of "A Raisin in the Sun". Apparently this year is the 50th anniversary of Lorraine Hansberry's moving play about a Black family, and their dreams. I felt good because it was an opportunity to meet with my closest and favorite people. Not so ironically enough, my boss went to see the play and I was thrilled. Co-workers do not understand our relationship, nor do I really expect them to. :/ I feel confident in saying that my boss is just one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and we hang out outside the workplace every now and again. He always has worthwhile advice to share. To me, he's a fatherly figure but still someone you can reason with. My other co-worker came, also, with her family, so it was a bunch of us grouped together, but fun just the same.
Speaking of work, I'm so sometimey with it. I had said I would stay where I was for the time being, but, I saw an opportunity to transfer. Same hours (which sucks SO bad, I hate those hours) but way more money. Of course I applied. It is for the position of academic advisor, something I do already anyhow. I am really hoping to get called for an interview on that position. We'll see.
I'm all over the place lately.
However, I can say that I had a most excellent time last Sunday when I went to see the school production of "A Raisin in the Sun". Apparently this year is the 50th anniversary of Lorraine Hansberry's moving play about a Black family, and their dreams. I felt good because it was an opportunity to meet with my closest and favorite people. Not so ironically enough, my boss went to see the play and I was thrilled. Co-workers do not understand our relationship, nor do I really expect them to. :/ I feel confident in saying that my boss is just one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and we hang out outside the workplace every now and again. He always has worthwhile advice to share. To me, he's a fatherly figure but still someone you can reason with. My other co-worker came, also, with her family, so it was a bunch of us grouped together, but fun just the same.
Speaking of work, I'm so sometimey with it. I had said I would stay where I was for the time being, but, I saw an opportunity to transfer. Same hours (which sucks SO bad, I hate those hours) but way more money. Of course I applied. It is for the position of academic advisor, something I do already anyhow. I am really hoping to get called for an interview on that position. We'll see.
Monday, February 1, 2010
How Sick Am I, I Wish You Health...
Well, I have approximately 3 pills left to take. I am hoping that this will end my long running infection for good. To make a long story short, the first medicine I was prescribed made me feel totally horrible. So I had to switch antibiotics, which by the time I had, my infection morphed into something else (yup, morphed) so this is where I am now: third course of antibiotics, feeling better but somewhere expecting something else to emerge.
I must think positively, I know.
One of the things that transpired at my last doctor's appointment was a real brief discussion about my weight. I had never expressed concerns about it because I've been somewhat comfortable with my outer appearance. That comfort has not shifted, but it is amazing what you begin to consider when you really begin to visualize yourself as a life carrier. So, lately, I have been considering how if I'm heavy now, BEFORE I've had children, how much bigger might I be AFTER a few kids? Not a comforting thought especially since it's not healthy weight. Weight comes with diabetes, high blood pressure, crappy cholesterol (need I go on?)And given my family history, I don't need any added incentives to NOT do the right thing when it comes to weight. Anyway, I have a new doctor, and we did discuss my weight. She ran some blood tests to see why I am so heavy. Maybe it's genetic, maybe I have a disorder. I don't know. I will find out at my next appointment, but for the first time, I'm going to have a plan with this so I feel good. If more things in life were like school, I'd do so much better, I swear. Tell me what the problem is so I can study it. Simple as that.
Even then, I'm taking measures into my own hands. I didn't want to be in the gym with all of the New Year's folks, so pretty soon (like tomorrow soon) I'm joining X-port Fitness (maybe)- lol. Depends if I like it. I do want to take a tour...so we shall see!
Peace.
I must think positively, I know.
One of the things that transpired at my last doctor's appointment was a real brief discussion about my weight. I had never expressed concerns about it because I've been somewhat comfortable with my outer appearance. That comfort has not shifted, but it is amazing what you begin to consider when you really begin to visualize yourself as a life carrier. So, lately, I have been considering how if I'm heavy now, BEFORE I've had children, how much bigger might I be AFTER a few kids? Not a comforting thought especially since it's not healthy weight. Weight comes with diabetes, high blood pressure, crappy cholesterol (need I go on?)And given my family history, I don't need any added incentives to NOT do the right thing when it comes to weight. Anyway, I have a new doctor, and we did discuss my weight. She ran some blood tests to see why I am so heavy. Maybe it's genetic, maybe I have a disorder. I don't know. I will find out at my next appointment, but for the first time, I'm going to have a plan with this so I feel good. If more things in life were like school, I'd do so much better, I swear. Tell me what the problem is so I can study it. Simple as that.
Even then, I'm taking measures into my own hands. I didn't want to be in the gym with all of the New Year's folks, so pretty soon (like tomorrow soon) I'm joining X-port Fitness (maybe)- lol. Depends if I like it. I do want to take a tour...so we shall see!
Peace.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Here We Go...
I'm on my way to the library to...study.
What did you think I was going to say.
I think at the age of 25, I am officially sick of school. I am sick of midterms, and sick of finals. I am sick of sitting in 3 hour classes.
It's cold out here, and I don't feel like going one bit, but alas, I will do what I must because I am interested in the payoff. Afterall, it won't be soon before long I have my very own classroom.
And...12 more days until my trip to Atlanta.
What did you think I was going to say.
I think at the age of 25, I am officially sick of school. I am sick of midterms, and sick of finals. I am sick of sitting in 3 hour classes.
It's cold out here, and I don't feel like going one bit, but alas, I will do what I must because I am interested in the payoff. Afterall, it won't be soon before long I have my very own classroom.
And...12 more days until my trip to Atlanta.
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